Open Letter To Everyone | "Push People"-Initiative Updates And More...
Changes For The Future.
I'm on the verge of giving up. Not because I want too... But because I've been pushed around so much that I can barely breathe anymore. I've pushed myself for so long, so I'm running low on both energy and motivation. Things need to change and I've done what I thought was for the best with high hopes of being as successful as possible. For me and for everything I've done, to be as successful as possible. Even though I've been successful in many of my endeavours, it wasn't enough. I am sorry for letting you, and myself down, and most of all, I'm sorry that I wasn't enough.
It's not my intention to sound selfish or to make it sound like I am the only one doing things around here, because I'm not. What I have accomplished would never have been possible without the amazing people who've participated and helped me through thick and thin.
The Amazing, Generous "Pushers"
From The "Push People To 500SP"-Initiative:
@thedarkhorse | @simplymike | @erodedthoughts | @ifartrainbows | @preparedwombat | @headchange | @lyndsaybowes | @goldendawne | @phoenixwren | @blacklux | @abh12345 | @erikklok | @deirdyweirdy | @googlyeyes | @deadspace | @insideoutlet | @lynncoyle1 | @davemccoy | @gduran | @khimgoh | @minismallholding | @sparkesy43 | @robertandrew | @danielsaori | @zekepickleman | @whatsup | @stever82 | @coinsandchains | @kaerpediem | @empress-eremmy | @janton | @cryptocurator | @guiltyparties | @gooddream | @matthewtiii | @lemony-cricket | @dfinney
The Wonderful, Caring People
From The @asapers:
@shai-hulud | @insideoutlet | @lynncoyle1 | @mirrors | @viking-ventures | @yogajill
And One Of My Biggest Inspirations:
@fulltimegeek
https://steemd.com/witnesses
No words can ever describe how thankful and honored I am to have worked side-by-side with many of you. We've worked together, in various ways, and you've all had an immense effect on me. I am truly grateful for all of it.
I am grateful for the opportunity Steemit has given me throughout the years I've been here and I'm honored to have served as a user in some sort of leadership position for the majority of my time here. I am thankful for all the support you guys have given me, and I am proud and honored that you all allowed me to evolve as a person.
The truth is, that I've been running on fumes for a long period of time. I have asked for help and I've showed myself vulnerable on several occasions. I struggle with motivation and I haven't been "myself" lately. My real life situation affects me tremendously and the terrible feeling of being taken for granted, even in School by my teachers and classmates has taken a huge toll on me. This is something that eats me from the inside. This affects me in several ways, and some of the things are, lack of motivation, time and energy.
However, this is not my only problem. My biggest problem right now, is the fact that I've struggled to survive since I started to study in March this year, and things have gone downhill ever since. My only option so far, has been to use some of my earnings from Steemit and to work extra during holidays and evenings after School. That's literally the only reason I've survived... But it gets worse. It doesn't stop there.
From ~May next year, I won't be eligible new student loans, because you're only entitled to a student loan for x-amount of days and I've used up all of them in the middle of next year. As my education ends in December 2019, I'm literally terrified. I don't know what I'll do from the middle of 2019, and I don't have as many options that I'd want to have... It's either to work more on top of my studies or to quit my education.
I realize that it might not sound "that bad" when you're looking at it like this, but one of the things I need to keep in mind, is the fact that I study full time and that I also suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I've also had a depression for a very long time. It's impossible for me to describe how that makes me feel and how that affects me, but it basically makes it impossible for me to do "all the things others do" with ease. I often struggle when I get stressed out. If and when I suffer from a panic attack or having problems with my anxiety, I'm usually in bed. I end up with zero energy so it's pretty much impossible for me to do things...
That said, I can't push myself too much, because if I do, the outcome will be extremely bad and I'll end up in an even worse situation.
I'm Drowning...
I started to study due to various reasons with two main goals. In an attempt to get knowledge and to heal myself, but also because I want the necessary tools to help others. I was alone when the first panic attack practically ran me over. I felt alone, because I struggled to describe what I felt and I felt that no matter how much I tried to explain, people turned their backs on me. I've lost friends due to their lack of understanding, or due to the fact that they couldn't handle the fact that I was "different" than before.
I lost my father in 2012. He died at home, in front of me. His heart just gave up on him and no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was impossible for me to help him. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I screamed, I cried and I tried to do CPR. I gave it my all, and despite my biggest efforts, it was in vain... I couldn't save him.
My father was my biggest supporter and definitely my biggest role model, and I wasn't ready to lose him. But I did. Because I couldn't save him. I know it wasn't my fault, but I still blame myself for not being strong enough to revive him.
Despite all the pain I felt, I hugged him for the last time when he was lying there in bed, and I told him that he didn't have to worry, because I'd take care of my mother. I was acting tough and strong. I had to be strong for the sake of my mother... And I've done everything I can to take care of her ever since. I help her with whatever things it might be. Grocery shopping, paying bills or take out the trash. Whatever it might be, I'm there for her.
It wasn't until about a year after my father had passed away I started to suffer from mental illness. I had "locked away" all my emotions and I did everything I could to ignore this horrifying thing for as long as I could, but I eventually broke down. My body and my mind literally gave up. I couldn't withstand it anymore... So I broke down.
I've suffered from panic attacks, anxiety and depression since 2013. Some days are obviously better than others, and nowadays, I've learned to handle things far better than in the beginning, but I still can't withstand everything at all times. I still suffer.
I've lost many friends and I've felt alone... At one point, I couldn't even go out in public. I still struggle with that occasionally but I continue to push myself, as much as I can. My life is far from how it once were...
More than 1000 people in Sweden commit suicide each year due to mental illness. That's four times more lives, than people dying in traffic. A very strong risk factor for suicide is depression. The number of sick leave due to mental illness increased 67 percent between 2010 and 2015.
Yet, it's still almost "taboo" to talk about mental illness. I want to help people who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest... I want to be the help I never felt I had.
With that being said...
Quitting is not an option. I can't give up on my dreams. I want to make a difference in the world, and I know that I'll be able to do that if I stick with my education. I might not have such big impact in the world, but if I can get one person to feel better about themselves, and to live their life to the fullest, my mission will be accomplished. I want to heal the world.
That same mindset, is what I have on Steemit.
It's not about me "saving" people, but I want to make a difference. Something sustainable that really counts. Something that makes this a better place. That's the reason for the @asapers initiative. Due to life and other commitments, the @asapers have been very inactive in terms of featuring authors and sharing rewards, but both @shai-hulud and @insideoutlet are still curating. The asapers might look inactive, but the official account still does work and the discord channel is still growing steadily.
We're still looking for new members who're interested in writing the asapers-issues.
That same mindset is also the reason for the "Push People To 500 SP"-initiative. A simple, yet effective method to build something that can resemblance the first real middle-class on Steemit. We are 11 out of 11, so we've been very successful so far. However, like I've said previously, it's a very tedious task to browse through literally hundreds of users each week to find good and eligible candidates, and due to my situation, it's an overwhelming task.
Requirements:
We only push active people who are dedicated and spam-free. The users we push must have less than 500 Steem Power, but preferably more than 450. (Especially during the early stages, as we lack the necessary support to push people with less than 450 SP.) - We will not push people who're in the middle of a power down as that will be contradictory to our entire purpose. Reputation score doesn't matter, but people who're repeatedly getting flags will not be eligible for a community push.
Due to the current situation, changes have been made. Much due to @phoenixwren's comment in my previous article. From the time I write this, I will not search for candidates. Anyone interested in this, will have to apply.
So, if you meet the requirements above, feel free to send me a message on Discord, or reply in any of my articles stating that you're interested in a community push.
and with my mental illness in mind,
what options remains?
I can barely survive as it is now. I work extra, study full time and use some of my earnings from Steemit. So, to work more is one option. However, I know it will affect my studies negatively, so it's not the most optimal option. And even if it doesn't affect my studies in a negative way, it will most certainly have a negative affect on me, as a person, and with my mental illness in mind, it's not an option I'm in favor of.
Am I Too Blind To See That Quitting Is In Fact
The Only Logic Option I Have?
Dude! @hitmeasap! How old are you? You seem to be carrying a lot of weight on some very young shoulders.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. It has taken me more than a decade to even understand what is it, let alone find strategies to be able to manage it.
I did find anti-depressants helpful as they levelled me off while I got a few things in order. I don't think they are a good long term option, but in the short term they did help me settle down and allowed me to not feel so overwhelmed.
I never imagined I would be where I am today, so if you feel it's not all quite going to plan, it's okay. Sometimes letting go and allowing life to happen can be just as important as having a plan and sticking to goals.
I wish I could do more to help you realise the world is not going anywhere, if you need time to slow down or take a break. That's perfectly okay.
Take care of yourself
@kabir88
I don't know about young... I'm 33 years old. Born in September 1985.
Yeah, it's a very long process. I still struggle but I've been able to handle things better with time. I often react to the symptoms differently and I can sort of "calm myself" to prevent "hell from breaking loose". It doesn't work everytime though. Far from it.
I've tried a wide variety of meds and pills and they helped me in the beginning, but I stopped taking meds relatively quick because I started to feel worse with time.
Regarding taking a break or slowing down:
Well, even if I wanted too, I haven't been in a position where I could do it. I can't afford to do it and my studies are extremely important for me. It helps me and I get more knowledge which helps me to feel better too.
This whole scenario is pretty messed up, and I have no idea what I'll do... But I need to figure something out before it's too late. Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it and I hope you'll be okay. :)
33 years old! I remember being 33 and in my first year back in college. I thought i was so old. I felt so self conscious sometimes in class. I remember anxiety attacks over paper work and student loans and grants and constantly wondering how i would ever handle all the endless details. And taking absurd classes they made me take if i wanted to graduate. I went back to take ART, drawing and painting. People would ask my major and look at me like i was an idiot when i told them. I've had depression and anxiety my entire life. Oddly enough i had a certainty and confidence about making art and i knew i was good at it so i just kept going. That was 27 years ago. All the 18 year old friends i made and all the pretty girls i thought i was too old and broke and stupid and depressed and nervous to ask out are 45 years old now! Most of my teachers are retired and many have passed away. These years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I'm not sure this is any help at all. Probably i'm just another annoying irritation. I was there where you are now. I tried everything to lesson the noise, depression and thoughts of wanting to quit. I thought about killing myself often because it seemed the only way to stop the shit in my head. I loved painting and 3/4ths of my school time was spent doing other bullshit and worrying about how i would ever get any of it done. Oh and i tried to help others too. Yes i did that and still do. But it also made me sicker and more screwed up. I have no idea how to explain that in a comment here. Maybe the one thing that i could say is, do the thing. The one thing, that you KNOW you want and are good at and can do. I painted. What is it for you?
Yes there are thousands of things.
Are they even yours? What is it you truly want to do. You know without having to think about. Choose that and you might feel a huge relief. I did but i had to keep choosing it everyday. Every 10 minutes. I would forget and then remember. I would get lost in other peoples points of view, their wants, wish's and desires. That will kill people like me. Being here on steemit ruins me on a daily basis. The judgement, rejection, being completely ignored. But that's another story.
Creative people who suffer depression, anxiety etc. will NEVER be understood or accepted by at least half the population. They don't get it and never will. How do i know this? I'm 60 years old and have been dealing with it for that long. I can tell you it will pass and it will. will it be cured? lol maybe maybe not. Keep going, there's plenty of fun things too
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. It was such a long comment so I'll focus on answering your questions in it.
In short, I'm a pillar of support. I've always been that "go to" guy, ever since I was a little kid. Whenever someone had problems, if they felt sad or had a bad day, they came to me. My entire life has been like that.
I've been there for my friends and for my family. I've been there for my mother and I was there for my father when he was still alive. People have always been able to rely on me... And I like to be that person.
Ever since I started to suffer from mental illness, I've been eager to make a real difference. I want to help others. I want to help people who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest, and that's why I've started to study. I've studied since March this year, and I worked as a full time freelancer for years before I took that "leap of faith" and started to study.
I might not be that same type of person on Steemit, but I work to make this a better place. I'm the co-founder of the asapers and I'm the founder of the "push people"-initiative. Both are projects to improve the overall experience and to make Steemit a better place.
However, I might be doing things wrong though. I mean, I'm only human, I make mistakes and it's nothing that says that what I'm doing is what's best... But it is what I personally believe is the best I can do.
I hear you - and you know where I am for a random text chat on discord.
For now - I just want to take a little weight off your shoulders - I've just sent you a gift of 15 SBD. It's a GIFT and is not to be returned. You can spend it however you like. This week maybe a good use would be a small luxury for you and your mum.
Please feel free to call on me for help. I will put my thinking hat on. I know you have a great community spirit and will continue to add value to the community on here.
Best Wishes CC
Wow, thanks man. Thank you very much. I appreciate your generosity and I'm thankful for all the things you've done for me previously too. Our conversations are always rewarding, in all aspects, and I appreciate that you take the time to chat.
Cheers!
Hugs to you. I'm glad at least searching for candidates is off your plate. I keep hoping we'll have another bear market soon so those of us that really could use the financial help can breathe a little.
Thanks @phoenixwren. I'll probably do another announcement later on. A more proper one that doesn't include all this other shit. I just started to write and I couldn't stop...
The sharing is good, it's important to have a sounding board and be reminded that what goes on in the mind isn't always a fair reflection of the world outside.
Vent away, I do it, too.
It sounds like you need to pause for a moment, let all guilt and all the things you think you need to do go for a moment and relax. Then assess from a more distant perspective.
When we feel out of control, like you must have watching your father die and not being able to do anything to save him, we can subconsciously try to get control back in other ways. We can end up taking on more and more, trying to do more and more to try and make that difference, to make a change. When things don't seem to be making any impact, we think maybe we just need to try harder, so we add more pressure onto ourselves. We might see others making what we feel are bigger differences, so work harder again to keep up. The truth is, that we can't change everything, we aren't superhuman, but we don't always see that those little things we've done have a bigger impact than we might realise.
Relinquish everything for a moment, a day a week, more if you need. Then assess what is the most important thing for you, first and foremost. Everything else can wait. You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. If your education is important, focus on that and finding a way to get yourself through to the end of next year.
I guarantee that you will never be able to save the world, your country, Steemit or much else that isn't entirety within your control. You can save yourself though and in doing so you can enrich the lives of those around you. That is not only enough, it's a gift for those you touch.
As for finding minnows to feed, you're right to say you will no longer look for them. There really aren't that many, at least at this time, who fit the criteria. If they have the determination to build on here, then they will come to you or be guided to you. If you search too hard you'll end up pushing some that may not be able to commit long term to steemit anyway. You've made a huge impact on those you've already pushed and you've touched all those who've helped to push. I, for one, have started looking at more ways that I can support other redfish here. I'd like to think we're ask adding to the snowball.
Posted using Partiko Android
I like your style @hitmeasap! :D
Thanks Dave. I'm not sure I like it, but I'm glad someone does. :)
I'm so sorry you had to watch your Father die.
Have the knowledge that you were there for him when he needed you most; he did not have to die afraid and alone, and that is a good thing.
My Father is dying very slowly in the hospital. It seems the medical community does not do much in the way of Healing, people heal themselves, what the establishment is good at, is keeping people on the verge of death, suffering in a state of near death..
i want to ask a couple of questions, do not feel obligated to answer; your life is your own to share what you will.....
After you suffered your Father's death, did you begin to take pharmaceuticals for depression?
I can not warn people enough, to stay away from pharmaceuticals, especially the serotonin re-uptake inhibitors,
THEY CAUSE HOPELESSNESS DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS......
Do you understand that what you're going through is natural, and that one doctor's diagnosis, is just one man's opinion?
The only thing worth quitting are actions that have a detrimental affect on you, or the people around you...
You are crying out for help and i feel you..
Perhaps talking to a counselor would help you to feel better..
Going outside of your comfort zone is a good way to experience the Joy of Living once again, and that is a fact!
I wish you the best, keep your chin up, believe in yourself, Love yourself..
Remember, people fear what they do not understand..
Well, that's not entirely true, I guess. Because it wasn't something we expected. He just collapsed on the floor, but I wasn't to clear with that in the article.
No. It wasn't until about a year later when I suffered from my first panic attack I started to suffer from mental illness. Everything came at me like a lightning bolt.
I talked to several psychologists, and I went in and out from Hospitals as I thought I was about to die each time I suffered from a panic attack. It wasn't until then I started to take meds.
I stopped taking meds after a few months though, after several attempts on a wide range of different pills, because I felt worse.
Yes and no.
I've talked to several psychologists and doctors, so I know that the diagnosis are accurate and real so to speak. I know how I feel, and I know that I suffer from mental illness, but I also know that many of the things I feel and experience is natural, even though my panic attacks are the worst thing ever.
I still, to this day, struggle to understand and realize that it's a panic attack and not myocardial infarction I suffer from for instance. When a panic attack sets in.
Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it and I hope you'll be okay.
Tricky thing Life; nobody survives it..
We must "Endeavor just to persevere".
Brotha I have read this and thought about all your struggles. I am proud of the work you're putting into your content and I am proud of you for putting yourself out there. Not everyone has this type of courage to share their personal struggles with the world. All I can do is say that no matter what decision you make for your education the sun will always rise tomorrow. Opportunities present themselves in my different forms. You might find all the answers you're looking for tomorrow, or in a month or so. Just keep your head up and keep pushing forward. That is what life is all about!
I've actually never felt comfortable sharing things from my personal life, as I know that negative stuff often annoys people... But due to Steemit and due to the support I've been able to gain during my time here, I've also started to feel more comfortable sharing things, no matter what it is. It's okay to feel sad or have a bad day, week, month or year...
I like to share stuff and any input or support is always encouraging. I wouldn't have shared personal things if I didn't have the awesome audience I have. It's because of my readers I'm starting to feel more comfortable, so the least I can do, is to continue to share things.
I'm trying... But I wonder if it's time to go a different route, as I can't really see how I'll ever be able to continue with my education for instance. I'm trying to figure out a way... Something doable... But it's hard.
Thanks for the comment though, I appreciate it! :)
Thank you for what you do for the community. Know that it is noticed and appreciated. This community is a better place because of you.
I've had issues myself and my daughter suffered from panic attacks etc., no need to explain the circumstances. You have a lot on your plate, and you probably need to relieve some of it. To echo some of what thedarkhorse said, Delegate. For me learning to delegate was one of the hardest leadership lessons to learn, after all no one can do it as well as you can...
Two things that we have found that can help sometimes.
Finding someone to talk to, not a clinical person. Just someone to listen, they may offer advice, but that is not the primary purpose, it is just to listen.
The other can be done by yourself. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper and start making a list of everything you are thankful for. It can start off as simple as I'm thankful that "I was able to get out of bed today" "for air to breathe" etc. It might surprise you how fast the list grows.
I have a prediction that I know will come true. You will make an impact on the world, because you already are, and the world is a better place because you are in it.
source
Thank you for your comment @coinsandchains.
This is basically what happened with this post. This was supposed to be something entirely different, but when I started to write, it was impossible to stop. That's why this post is all over the place.
However, I appreciate these tips and even though I don't really talk with people that often, (weird comment from someone who publicly shares these types of things) I do write stuff. Both on paper, on my phone and my computer. I've always liked to write, long before I started to suffer from mental illness actually. I even started to write on my biography many years ago, but I haven't looked at it since 2012.
Thank you very much, I truly appreciate it. I hope you and your daughter is and will be okay.
the days of feeling productive will come back...
it's the breathing cycle of life... sometimes we run out of breath... but if we can find some rest, we'll be able to get back on our feet.
stay strong!
Yeah, I hope so. Thanks for the comment. :)
@Fraenk you took the Words right out of My mouth