Forgive Me Father (Steem) For I Have Sinned.
6 Days Feels Like A Lifetime.
I am not the best writer, but I thought I'd give you an insight in my life. A dark and nasty nightmare for some, but a normal day for me. A nightmare I'm desperately trying to get out from.
I have never tried to hide things regarding my life. I have always tried to be open and honest about my well-being, my mental illness and my studies. I have publicly talked and shared different details about myself. I have tried to be real and honest. I have expressed my feelings and my gratitude to specific Steemians who I've mentioned by name on several occassions and I have told my readers and my audience that I wouldn't be where I am in life without the wonderful and amazing support I have, and that I wouldn't have managed to achieve any of the things I have without the incredible opportunity Steem(it) gives me.
These last few weeks have taken a huge toll on me. To be in a constant, never ending battle, and no matter what obstacles that comes in my way, always try to stay positive and continue to fight brought me into a situation I could no longer handle. I was too weak to fight back all these overwhelming obstacles. I failed. I failed myself.
For far too long, I have tried to uphold a fake facade. I have been too stubborn and ignorant to realize that I should've given up a long time ago. Life, and all the things that have been coming my way, brought me down to my knees on several occasions but I have never given up. I've kept a tight hold of my dreams and I have kept pushing myself forward with high hopes of changes. I have wished that something better will come my way.
Desperate times. Desperate situation. No matter how desperate I've been, I've never dared to give up. I don't want to be a failure, but I'm starting to believe that failure is my destiny. I think I rushed into things, blinded by my dreams. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be who I believe I am supposed to be. Perhaps I'm not the person I thought I was.
If I can't even handle my own life and my own problems, how am I supposed to help someone else? It's often easier to help others because you'll be able to "pause" your own reality for a while... But I've started to lose faith. In myself.
Perhaps I've been too desperate in my attempt to pursue my dreams, so I've become too ignorant to clearly see how the reality looks like. Perhaps I've been neglecting myself, due to my own ignorance. Perhaps I'm just a nobody, that never will become a President or accomplish anything life changing for anyone... Perhaps my attempts have been in vain.
It seems that no matter what I do, I'm being tracked down and haunted. I solve one problem and find a solution for another one, but life pushes me back on my knees again. I still haven't given up, no matter how many times I've been told to do it. I have tried to push myself towards my goals and to pursue my dreams because my life belongs to me. No one should decide who I am or what I should do. No one but me... But I've started to realize that I'm just a pawn in a chess game.
I have done everything I can to adapt. I have tried to change my behaviour, my approach and my beliefs due to rules, guidelines and due to what others have said. The system is flawed and I've tried to fight back. All in vain. I have tried my best to regain control over my situation, to conquer any problem or obstacles coming my way, but life has given me too much to chew. I'm not ready to give up, but perhaps I should.
I have talked to my teachers about my well-being and my current situation multiple times. They are aware of my mental illness and how that affects me in life. They know that certain things can and will function as so called "trigger points".
My grades have slipped these last few months. Mostly because life is too much to handle so to speak. It's too difficult to try and explain the whole situation in English as it isn't my native language. Let's think of it like this:
I'm usually getting anything between A-C. I've been getting E on anything I've done after my summer courses. Instead of trying to talk to me, both of my teachers have given me E. They've given me E, even if my papers haven't been good enough because they know that I'm better than an F. They've treated me wrongly and unfair and I spoke with both of my teachers earlier this week about it.
They admit that they've treated me wrongly and we had a good talk. They know better now, and I feel better about it too. I had the chance to share my perspective and to give them even more insight. They are sorry for not talking to me about things, as they could clearly see that something weren't right. I will be treated accurate going forward.
In the beginning of this week, I also lost my extra job. My extra job and a portion of my Steem income has been literally my only way to survive. With the decline in price of Steem (and SBD), I've had to rely even further on my job. I contacted my boss the first time a few weeks ago, as I could clearly see that I were in huge need of more hours.
A second call, earlier this week, resulted in no more hours at all. I wasn't fired or anything... I actually quit. It was my decision. The reason behind my decision was because they couldn't give me more hours and they couldn't even promise me a single hour per week. As I work extra, they only call me when they need extra manpower and the list of extra personnel is longer than a little kids wish-list for Christmas.
So, I'm sitting here without a job, as a full time student with an income too small to pay for my living expenses during a free fall in crypto... With the underlying mental illness I suffer from. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade... But when life gives you troubles and you can't find solutions for them, no matter how many times you try and no matter what you do... I guess you give up.
Even though I know that, and even though it sounds like the only thing to do, I can't. I can't give up on my dreams. I can't give up on life.
For each thing I overcome, accomplish and/or find solutions for, two more shows up. It's been like this for several years already, but I haven't given up yet. The problem is, that there's no more breathing room. Bills are starting to piling up and the reality kicks in more and more for each second.
Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've done everything I can to cut expenses. I don't even have Netflix anymore, even though it's a cost of ~$11 per month. I haven't had my asthma medicine since mid-summer because I haven't been able to pay for it. As I haven't been able to pay for my internet, they'll shut it down any day now. Things are truly messed up and I hate it... But I can't give up. I don't want to be a quitter. I value life too much to give up.
I value my dreams too much. I want to fulfill my dreams, because I know that I will have a positive affect in other people's lives. I want to help those who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest, and my current education is the first stepping stone in that direction. I'm afraid that I don't have what it takes to accomplish this though. I've started to lose faith.
With all that being said, I am truly thankful for all the amazing stories I've read and had the pleasure to be a part of on Steem(it). You've all been giving me inspiration and strength through thick and thin and even though I've failed to be active lately, I am still grateful for all the wonderful things I've witnessed here. I appreciate each and every comment I've got, (except for the trolls and any form of beggars), and I am truly thankful for my audience I've been able to build during my 2+ years on Steemit. You're all amazing and I wish you all the best things in life.
It's harder for you and me, in Europe, earning a few STEEM a post won't help us survive. Still, in the end, we will experience the riches, the relief, the difference it will make when the prices go up.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't know you well, but I read and I feel like you're experience a long long road of disappointments and failures or things that fail you, and you're tired and feel like there's no end to it.
I know this feeling. I know me saying 'don't give up it will be better' sounds overly superficial in times like these. I still hope you want to see it, you want to believe things will be better, that's the most important thing.
Take care @hitmeasap, take care of you first, do the thing you think is not 'wise' but is the thing you know you need. Like take a semester off to walk around a forest for a few weeks or whatever. As I said, I don't know you, so I can't advise you. But it's often the thing that's in the back of your mind whispering to you 'If only I could... for a while...' that you should do to recharge, let some stuff go, get some strength for the challenges to come.
I always want to say more if I see someone suffer, but it's hard to say the right thing anyway, let alone digitally to someone I've never met. I mean well. Hope you'll soon see some light at the end of the tunnel.
I know it's difficult to know what to say and I don't count on anyone to tell me something that will be life changing. However, I do appreciate all form of encouragement, so I'm very thankful for your comment.
This was more about telling people how it is, and state the reasons for my recent absence, more than anything else. Even though I don't really owe Steem(it) anything, I do feel somewhat obligated to share things with my audience, especially as I've been doing it for a long period of time.
It just doesn't feel right to ignore or neglect my audience, no matter the reasons I have. I owe my audience to show my dedication, and one of the "responsibilities" I feel that I have is to share feelings and thoughts with them. No matter if it's good or bad things. That's my way of showing my gratitude for their endless support.
I'm in no position to take any form of vacation as I'm in the middle of studies, which is extremely important to me. So I just need to withstand things for as much as possible and continue to hope that things will be better. Soon. Thank you for the comment!
Until you cannot afford food or a place to stay you are rich my friend ! There’s nothing on Netflix anyway ! 😂😂. I remember when I was in college we were stone broke and survived on noodles. Elon musk set himself a budget of 14 rand a day for food. That’s 1 Euro. Duncan Ballantine was homeless when he started his fitness business. The world is your oyster. I don’t really know you but I’ve heard of you so you are famous in the community so dust yourself off and press reset . You have a great network now that could help you. What city do you live in ? (Asking that because I have connections in some cities in Europe )And what is your part time job? Some of the decisions you are making are random so it seems to me you act without thinking. But the young guys do this a lot. You quit your job because they had little hours. Now you have no hours and have a bigger problem. So snap decision are bad. Just think of consequences . No job means no internet. It’s near Xmas so lots of jobs out there so go out there and get another one with more hours . Once you have a job all your problems are solved and by then SMTs are gonna be launching. Wanna start an SMT? Why not! Lick snow till March. We gonna boomtown soon brother.
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I should've explained the part about my job a little further. The reason I quit, is because I can't go around and wait for them to call when it's not even certain that I'll get one hour per week. I haven't worked a single hour since late August, so even though I had a job, I haven't worked because they haven't offered me any hours.
That said, it's literally impossible for me to sit around and wait for them to call when the terms are like that. I have applied for another job but haven't heard anything so far. I do get your point though.
I live in Sweden, Norrköping, and I work with home care/home services/assisted living. Don't know the exact word for it in English. However, things that affects my personal life is the fact that I suffer from mental illness.
As I already study full time, it's extremely difficult to find a job that offers me hours when I'm free to work so to speak. Also, even though I might be free and available for work, I might not be capable of doing it at times due to my mental illness. As I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, I can't really control it, but it gets worse when I'm stressed and things like that... So most things feels like a double-edged sword, but I'm trying my best.
I appreciate your comment though. All type of encouragement is highly appreciated!
work in a kiosk. It is flexible hours and easy work.
That would be really cool. Thanks for the tip.
I actually check earlier today if I had missed any of your posts since I haven't seen anything from you. But this explains it :)
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I'll try to be more active again. :)
Not to belittle your struggles, just know that everyone goes through this. These problems and solutions are what binds most of us and you are writing thoughts we have all had.
Life isn't what is happening to us so much as how we chose to handle the situations. If you have made it this far, you are a braver warrior than you think and well equipped to cruise right through this as you always have.
Focus on things in your control (crypto NOT being one of them except STEEM posting) and turn your mind to the solution.
It is darkest right before the dawn so go make that sun rise and be ready for the opportunity a new day will present to you.
Thanks for your comment @zekepickleman, I appreciate it.
I really hope so, and this is more or less the same thing I would say to someone else, so I need to continue to believe in it.
You are right. I've tried to focus on things I actually can control, but I've also, in some way, built up some sort of "safety net" around things I cannot control. The value of Steem for instance. I figured out a solid and doable plan, and when I did that, I automatically started to rely on Steem at a minimum of 0,70. The price were higher at the time I figured this whole thing out, so I felt really good about it. It gave me a ton of motivation and encouragement. I knew I'd be able to pull through so to speak.
However, I didn't actually realize that I was relying on crypto itself, as much as I relied on my own strength and commitment to post etc. But it obviously goes hand in hand. It doesn't really matter how much I post if the price declines. It's easy to see that now, but I guess I was being blindfolded by my own ignorance due to the extreme ease of relief I felt when I figured it out. It felt so good so I couldn't think of anything else. It really felt like the absolute best solution at the time, but I can totally see that it was a mistake I made, as I automatically started to rely on the price at the same time.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Well thanks for sharing. Give me a chance to throw my tiny upvote in to help and lets me and other folks know we are not alone in the struggle.
With so many problems/issues to solve, you are just going to be kicking ass when life swings up.
This. That's exactly how I've been looking at some of all these things actually. That's one of the things that's been fueling me.
Especially everything about and around my mental illness. Reasons for it. All the who, why, how and when sort of things. That's one of my two main reasons for my education.
I want to help others who suffers from mental illness. That's the first reason. The second one is that I truly believe that the entire education can function as some sort of "self-heal" along the way.
Keep your head up as there is always sunshine after the storm. It may all seem to be going wrong but as others have said here, you still have yourself and the great things you are capable of doing. The way you have created a following here on STEEM and the great things you have done for others are admirable and inspiring to others. This is not easy to achieve so you should focus on the positive things you have achieved instead of those that are pulling you down. I wish you the best!
Thank you for the comment. I totally understand your point and I'm definitely trying. It's easy to get lost when things doesn't seem to go your way though. I try to stay positive, but it's really difficult when it feels like things are going downhill wherever you look.
I have been your follower since last year. I shared similar situation with you and I understand how difficult that is. How about freelancing?Outside steemit and your onsite job, Have you tried?
Toughen up ! There will be better days soon. I personaly believe that it's like the season. There will be summer after the winter.
Good luck!
M.
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Thanks. Yeah, I haven't been freelancing for a very long time now, and I haven't really thought about it at all since I started to study... Might be a good decision though, to give it a try.
Then, I guess it's the time to do freelancing. I am sure you have experience and upwork or fiverr will work out for you.
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In the moment, we can start changing our world, the thoughts you have written down run like programs in your head, change the message, live a good life.