After 12 Years Being Together and 7 Years of Marriage: How it Worked for Us

Yesterday was Valentine's day and we did NOTHING!  
We aren't banning the holiday, we just were simply tired.  Both worn out from work and after putting our kids to bed, we just wanted to sit and do nothing.  However, we talked about how happy we are and what we believe helped us be successful in our relationship.  After all, we've been together 12 years and married for 7 years so I think that counts for something.  I hope this list helps you as these are the things I've learned throughout my relationship with my husband.

1.  Don't Let Your Partner Do All the Heavy Lifting
When you are single, you have to do everything by yourself.  When you have a partner you can split all that burden in half.  If your partner is good at cooking then maybe you do the dishes.  Maybe you like doing laundry and your partner likes mowing the lawn, then trade off tasks.  Be honest on the work load that you put out.  The truth is, we all know when another person is carrying their weight or not.  Overtime, if you and your partner are not fair on who does what, you will build resentment.  Just remember, when you are single, you'll have to do everything by yourself.  So when you are in a relationship, be fair and both people get to benefit.

2.  Be Honest, Be Open to Criticism, but Be Nice About it.
We all know that you aren't suppose to call your wife "fat" but what if it's because you are worried about her health?  I mention this because my husband was starting to worry about my health.  This was almost 9 years ago.  I was going back to school and eating poorly.  I was back to school full time, had a part-time job, and an internship.  I was gaining weight really quickly.  One day I said "Honey I think I'm really bloated."  My husband took the opportunity to say to me "Dear, I don't know how to tell you this but I don't think it is because you are bloating."  I'm not going to lie, I felt it was very harsh.  I looked at him and said "Are you saying I'm fat?!"  He looked at me and said "Listen, there is no easy way to tell you this, but yes, you are and since you asked I'm letting you know."  I was pretty upset about it.

However, after another semester later, I did something about it.  I worked out and got back in shape.  It was easier when I didn't have school anymore.  But we talked about it later on.  How important it was to talk about how we felt even if it seems hurtful at first.  If I was being honest with myself, if my husband gained too much weight, I don't know if I'm going to attracted to him.  It sounds judgmental but the truth is, not only is it not healthy, but attraction is undeniable.  It's not like you can make yourself attracted to someone, it's biological.  So after that incident, we realized it's important to be honest and open to criticism...but really be nice about it.

3.  Know that You are a Team
In every relationship, you are going to argue.  It's because you aren't going to agree on everything it's just not possible.  When you don't agree sometimes things get heated up because you can't understand why your partner doesn't get your point-of-view.  If you turn it around, however, would you like it if someone forced their viewpoint on you?  When you do argue try to be constructive (it's not easy, I think it took us almost 10 years how to figure out how to argue by being 98% constructive.  Sometimes I tell him I hate him and we both laugh because it's so stupid).  At the end of the argument, try to separate yourself from the topic.  Remember that you are a team and that you love each other.  That you aren't trying to hurt the other person and they aren't trying to hurt you either.  You just have different viewpoints.  There are still topics that my husband and I will never agree on but it's not things that get in the way of our relationship.

4.  Be Up Front on Life Goals, Expectations, Morals, and Non-Negotiables BEFORE getting Married (Especially if you plan on having children!)
My husband and I have always talked about our viewpoints on religion, morals, and non-negotiables.  We are so glad we did this because we didn't have to compromise on our beliefs.  It may not seem important at first, but it's a big deal when you have kids.  We see this with our friends and how they struggle with these differences because they didn't talk about it before they got married.  We are so glad we did because now that we have children we want to raise them the way we believe is best.  

Feel free to reach out with any relationship questions!