Dealing with Dissociation

Everyone develops some form of defense mechanism to shield their ego from harm

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Psychological defense mechanisms are strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety or feelings of being threatened. From a young age, we begin to develop our own strategy in order to deal with uncomfortable situations.

When individuals develop intense defense mechanisms due to childhood trauma, it can be a difficult thing to work through and overcome. Often, our identity becomes attached or built around the tactics we employ to shiled ourselves from harm.

This can be seen in individuals with rigid, 'tough guy' exteriors. The perennial hardass is employing a defense mechanism to appear unbreakable, firm in the face of criticism. Yet, this person likely deals with blowback from being such a stern and callous person.

Dissociation was my defense

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Recently, I received Neuro-feedback therapy as a way to improve my focus and overcome obsessive thought patterns. It was an interesting experience, one that I have mixed feelings about in terms of whether or not it was effective.

One of the more useful things I discovered from this process was realizing that, throughout my life, I have dissociated from my surroundings as a way to deal with reality. I didn't have a great upbringing growing up. It wasn't filled with intensely traumatic stuff, more just the persistent form of dysfunction that many individuals experience.

My immediate and extended family were largely cold and unsympathetic individuals. They were clearly dealing with unresolved emotional baggage, things that get passed on from generation to generation like a depressed man's game of hot potato. If you don't get deep in the shit and stop the cycle, you're likely doomed to repeat your family's dysfunctional history.

Dissociation shielded me from harsh realities, but has been an obstacle now that those realities are no longer present

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Dissociating from my surroundings made life easier. My parents' marriage was never really functional, nor was my relationship with my brother. I didn't really have a full perspective to understand it at the time, though unconsciously I knew things weren't 'right'.

Instead of becoming hyper-vigilant to my surroundings, which was my brother's reaction, I gravitated towards the disconnection route. The path that largely ignores external stimuli, and instead resorts to an inner-life of imagination and fantasy.

For much of my childhood, I was 'shy', but I now believe this was more a product of being so detached from my surroundings that I struggled to naturally relate to my peers. People in my class liked me, but I struggled to relate to others because I was so trapped in a fractured paradigm.

Daydreaming ad-infinitum

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One of the biggest traps I've dealt with as a result of dissociating from my surroundings has been the desire to be somewhere else or to be someone else. When you're constantly focused on being someone you're not or wanting to be in another place entirely, you are setting yourself up to battle the reality you're still existing within.

No matter how convincing or engaging your imagination might be, reality will win. It will remind you that you are still in this moment, in this body, dealing with this set of circumstances and that no amount of fantasizing has changed a fucking thing.

Dissociation also sabotages one's ability to fully absorb information. My attention, focus, and memory have always been less than optimal, something which is likely a result of a persistently wandering mind.

When you're dissociating, your mind is separating itself from your body, disconnecting from the stimuli it is receiving and instead opting to focus your attention elsewhere. This is incredibly inconvenient if you're trying to interact with other humans, as your ability to naturally respond is severely limited if you aren't present to the conversation or your environment as a whole.

The struggle to reintegrate

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Uncovering our thought patterns and habits is often an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience and is likely why most people choose to avoid doing so. For many people, it's much easier to simply trudge along with these deep, psychological programs running as they are, forgoing the possibility of ever changing them into something else.

But for others, reality can eventually become so unbearable that a breaking point is reached and we simply cannot go on with the status quo. I reached this point my first year of college, as I realized that I needed to change myself if I ever wanted a different outcome.

Frankly, I was so fractured and lost within myself from years of dissociating that I struggled to maintain friendships or hold basic conversations with people. I didn't quite have the understanding of why I was acting the way I was, but I knew it wasn't the ideal way to live.

My journey to reintegrate and cease disconnecting from myself and the world around me hasn't been easy. Even today, I often find myself going down the old path of fantasizing about being somewhere else, whether it's being in a different town/country or having a different job. I'm better at catching myself and stopping the process than I used to be, but old habits certainly die hard and it's far from over.

Our habits are like deep grooves within our mind, fabricated from years of continuing to go down the same path which only deepens the grooves in the process. Being aware of the grooves is a great first step, but it's also delusional to believe that awareness will be enough to fully overcome the comfortable path we've come to know so well.

In the case of dissociation, I've found a few strategies to be of use

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First, mindfulness in all its forms is a fantastic way of reconnecting with one's self and breaking the habit of dissociating. I'm not the most disciplined meditator, but when I do stop to observe myself I realize that presence has intense power beyond my comprehension. Of course, I'll soon get lost in the same thoughts once again, but it's the process that matters.

I've also found that physical activity is perhaps my best tool in the fight to keep my mind and body together. It's hard to dissociate from yourself when you're doing intense exercise, whether it's running, lifting weights, or playing a sport.

Skiing, in particular, is one activity that I never find myself dissociating from. If I did, I could easily end up dead. That's motivation enough to remain present to myself.

There is not a clearcut path to overcoming any defense mechanism. There will be setbacks along the way and I'm consistently having to jump over the same hurdle I thought was long in the rearview mirror.

But if I've learned anything along the way, it's that any amount of pain or suffering is far better than dissociating from it. Because regardless of how bad it feels, it's always better to perceive it than to disconnect from it.

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All uncredited pictures from pixabay.com or my personal account

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