How to Stop Attacking Yourself for Your Failures

Most individuals tend to keep their small, everyday mistakes to themselves. This silence arises from two main reasons. First, the mistakes are often mundane and lack excitement.

Second, people do not wish to reveal what they consider to be their weaknesses or personal flaws.

This collective silence around mistakes has a notable effect. It leaves everyone feeling isolated in their experience. Without hearing about others' blunders, we start to believe that we are the only ones who frequently err.

This creates an illusion, making us feel as if we make more mistakes than anyone else, reinforcing our insecurities.

Understanding the Mistakes Made by Those Who Suppress Their Emotions As a psychologist with a focus on childhood emotional neglect, I have observed a worrying trend.

Adults who were raised in environments where their feelings were dismissed or overlooked often struggle to acknowledge or process their emotions. These individuals tend to be more susceptible to severe self-criticism.

Why does this occur? Mistakes, whether big or small, inevitably stir up emotions. When feelings go unrecognized, they hold much more power than those that have been acknowledged and understood.

For those who grew up without appropriate emotional responses from their parents, this tendency to ignore feelings usually persists into adulthood.

Consequently, unaddressed emotions inflate the significance of their mistakes, making them feel far worse than they should.

Examples: The Struggles of Bud, Bonnie, and Brett Bud finds himself quickly engulfed by guilt and shame. Rather than seeking balance and perspective in a challenging situation, he resorts to self-attacks.

This approach undermines his self-worth and exacerbates his distress, adding unnecessary panic to what could be a manageable moment.

Bonnie wrestles with an intense fear of appearing foolish. In her quest to avoid judgment, she resorts to deceit. This choice leaves her feeling trapped in a cycle of inadequacy, reinforcing her belief that she lacks competence. Alone with her fear, she finds no relief.

Brett grapples with the fear of being exposed. His feelings remain unprocessed, leading to a cloud of anxiety that overshadows his weekend. Rather than confronting his fear, he allows it to linger, disrupting his peace.

Introducing Compassionate Responsibility Having witnessed many emotional neglect cases where individuals suffer from self-criticism and avoidance, I devised the approach known as Compassionate Responsibility.

This method is designed to help individuals cope with their mistakes and minimize unnecessary suffering. It has proven effective for many, and I share it here as a practical tool.

Compassionate Responsibility comprises three essential steps that guide individuals from recognizing their mistakes to overcoming them.

First, own your mistake. Acknowledge it with statements like, “I made a mistake. I’m human. I will take responsibility for it and work through this.” Then, check in with your emotions and identify what you are feeling.

Second, show yourself compassion. Consider how the mistake occurred. Reflect on your role – what part was your fault, what contributed to it, and what lay outside your control?

Understand how you can manage similar situations in the future.

Third, learn from the experience. This step is critical because it involves self-improvement. Ask yourself what you can take away from the mistake and how you can avoid repeating it in the future.

After completing these steps, you equip yourself to move forward and leave the mistake behind.

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