Thank you for being here. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I've fallen so far into the pit of shame that I've become completely helpless, my biggest fear. I am here on this earth to help and heal people. To fill in those empty spaces in people's hearts. It is a power that I've allowed to be taken from me.

Here's the story:

I've been working as a barista, at a magical place where people go to be a part of something. A family. When people have problems, the community takes care of them. I'm always there to listen, to give advice, free food, hugs, quick shoulder rubs, a good remedy for a cold. I felt needed. Loved.

I was just about to start massage school in my attempt to fix the world.
And then I developed a severe case of carpal tunnel due to the job itself, and it's taken everything from me. I became a burden to my coworkers. My customers became a burden to me. After a year of struggles, it's gotten worse and worse, now to the point where I can no longer hold a cup of coffee in either hand, let alone probably ever give another massage in this lifetime. So here I sit, unable to feed myself, unable to even afford to feed myself.

Unable to HELP ANYONE, even myself.

My partner has to make me food, do my dishes, clean the house, pour my water, see me in my pajamas everyday, watching me waste away. The emotional toll it's taken on me is contagious, and I can see it eating away at him to.

This is not the life he signed up for.

I'm ruining his life by being loved by him.
I should not be loved.
I have become a disease, for which there is no cure.

I couldn't help but cry when I got a text this morning, from one of my customers and friends (and avid Steemit user), who I've helped in the past during his time of crisis. He gave me a grocery gift card that anybody is able to add money to. He also offered me a marketing job for the new company he started (which you'll hear all about if you follow me in my journey)

I know this is already an excessively long comment, but the whole point is that it just felt good to get that out. To be heard. I invite anyone who is feeling helpless to come talk to me. I think it would help me to feel like me again. You need to know that you are not alone.

To whoever actually reads this:
I, a complete stranger, care deeply about you. You matter, even to me, a complete stranger.