Why to always remember that your feelings are valid
Many people mistakenly believe that assertiveness is simply about standing up for oneself by expressing thoughts and feelings. If that were the complete explanation, then a particular strong statement might be viewed as assertive.
However, this approach is often perceived as aggressive when delivered in a demanding tone. Such an aggressive manner can make it difficult for the listener to truly hear and understand the underlying message being conveyed.
Conversely, a statement that tries to be assertive may falter due to its passive tone. When someone communicates in a way that lacks conviction, the listener is likely to dismiss the message altogether, regardless of its importance.
A passive approach can make the point seem trivial, even when it carries genuine significance.
Visualize assertiveness as a spectrum. On one end, a person may appear too weak, resulting in their message being ignored or not taken seriously. On the opposite end, an overly aggressive approach may provoke defensiveness in the listener.
True assertiveness occupies a more balanced position, falling squarely in the middle of this continuum.
Real assertiveness is defined as the ability to articulate one’s feelings and needs in a manner that is both kind and respectful. This respectful communication significantly increases the likelihood that the recipient will engage with the message and take it to heart.
Developing assertiveness is not an innate skill for many people; it often requires diligent practice and effort. If assertiveness does not come easily to you, it’s important to recognize that these capabilities can be cultivated over time.
A fundamental step towards strengthening your assertiveness is learning to acknowledge and prioritize your own feelings and emotional needs. For many, especially those who experienced childhood emotional neglect, this can be particularly challenging.
When a child grows up in a household that dismisses or minimizes their emotions, they may struggle with assertiveness as an adult. The neglect they faced often prevented them from learning about their feelings and understanding their emotional landscape.
Such experiences may lead them to view their emotions as unimportant, making it hard to articulate them later in life.
To improve assertiveness, consider these five skills:
Become mindful of your feelings during significant interactions. Understanding your emotions in real-time is vital. For example, if loud music disrupts a quiet night, you may sense a rush of energy that points to anger. Recognizing this feeling in the moment is crucial.
Acknowledge that your feelings and thoughts are legitimate and should be expressed. Validate your anger, especially if the late hour affects your sleep.
It’s essential to manage negative emotions before expressing them. By taking a moment to acknowledge and ensure clarity in your thoughts, you can convey your message more effectively. Taking a brief pause, sipping some water, or practicing deep breathing can help you regain composure.
Try to understand the perspectives of others involved in the situation. Consider what they might be experiencing. For instance, your neighbors may simply be enjoying their night without intending to disturb you.
Assess the context and setting of the encounter. Reflect on how you want to communicate your concerns. You might choose to speak directly to your neighbors in person or place a call. Additionally, keep in mind that this behavior has been a regular occurrence, affecting your peace multiple times over the past few weeks.
By mastering these skills, it becomes easier to communicate assertively, ensuring that your feelings and needs are heard and respected.