BIBLE BELT BAND BATTLES BRAWNY BODACIOUS BAR ROOM BRETHREN

I was a bit skeptical when the Praise and Worship Music Director asked me to participate in a The Battle of the Bands at a local bar and grille. The goal, I was told, was to promote Jesus. OK, what the heck, I'm in. So I as the senior, literally at age 61, I found myself with a group of very talented much younger amateurs, including our 14 year old girl bass player. Now I can tell you, as a professional performing musician, I spent more time on a bar room stage in one month than they had collectively in their entire lives. I warned them that we were to be quite the novelty as a Christian Praise and Worship Band in this den of iniquity. Our hearts were big, our goals lofty and we had the Divine on our side. I cautioned them to stick close, keep their eyes and ears open and if anyone looks at Bella, our bass player, I wanted to know about it. I explained we were about to have an interesting evening. This band performed a whole skit based on the lead man being a boxer. It included a bikinied girl that held up the round numbers between each song, a suited ring announcer giving fight details between songs and a crew that tended to the boxer's needs with water in the face, waving towels and massaging his arms between songs also. In the corner sat a fellow that kept "singing" intermittently during the songs , "wiki, wiki, wiki" in a high pitched tweety voice. There was some music in there somewhere including a hip hop rap about a chicken wing recipe(wiki, wiki, wiki) then the bell would sound and he would collapse into his corner again for another revival. Speaking of revival, we were next. We did our bit. Our gimmick was real music dedicated to Jesus. We were hard rocking some Christian contemporary hits. I could see the judges and it was pretty clear we were sparking their interest and the crowd was surprisingly responsive. We went over the top on an in your face "Come to Jesus" moment type song. I saw the judges arms crossing. Bad sign! It was truly a three ring circus. The winning band did deserve to win. It was an all girl, upper middle aged group with beautiful folk/Americana singing and instrumentation. They included a gal that interpreted the lyrics with sign language in a very demonstrably emotional way. Ironically they beat out the freak show by only 1 point. Next was a 3 piece hip hop abomination. One member was looking like a reggae Frankenstein complete with Herman Munster lift boots and pasty white skin. The lead singer was good. Then there was a duet comprised of a fellow banging (I do mean banging) on a banjo, screeching hillbillienese and his percussionist slapped out a backbeat rhythm on his vintage wood pallet. Not unexpected, we were last. The last shall be first... It was a fun night! By the way, the winners of the contest received a "paid" booking at the venue. Typical band contest ...