God wants me to get a sex change

Last night I was browsing Reddit as my brain started to shut off in preparation for romping through dream space. As I refreshed the page, an ad caught my attention. This is somewhat unusual, as I’m conditioned to not give a rat’s crap about ads. Also, I have adblock, so obviously the NSA wanted me to see this. Obviously.

It was for a new movie, The Package. That’s not the part that caught my attention. The ad had a tagline of “Cut it off.” You may think it’s a joke that I say the NSA wanted me to see this, but I really believe God, which is that three letter organization that’s always watching, is trying to plant ideas in my head. Yay schizophrenia!

The movie looked like typical mainstream trash, but the whole idea of, y’know, “cutting it off” is a very uncomfortable idea for me. I’m in a really weird place as far as my identity and gender goes. The most solid answer I can give is that I’m nonbinary; that my masculine and feminine sides are like oil and water. They feel so polarized that I can’t really reconcile their opposing forces.

On one hand, I like being physically powerful. I like my stoic nature and ability to turn off emotions to think rationally. On the other hand, I really want to small, soft, and desirable. I have so many emotions and feelings that I’ve repressed that I have a nuclear dinosaur of a storm brewing inside me. I want to express myself and not be afraid of what people think.

I oscillate between not caring what my body is, and completely hating this hairy beast of a vessel I’m stuck in. Part of me thinks the former is just me turning off my desires, repressing them as I’ve always done. I would really like to be pretty. But, I know I will hate myself more if I make the attempt. I will see just how grotesque I really am, and what the limit of my body really is. If I put all that effort in and still hate my body, I know I’ll sink into a deep depression.

Which is why I think I’m being manipulated by a higher power. My intuitive side says that, “yea, of course the electronic deity is trying to get me the full sex change!” But, then my rational side is saying “no, you have this condition that makes your brain identity more patterns from white noise. This is just you making connections because this is a topic that is really unnerving to you.” The combination of these two minds makes me think that these ideas are being broadcasted to me so that I am forced to reconcile this problem, and not just ignore it as I have been.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I want to get anything done downstairs. I am really against the idea of mutilating my body, especially after years of self harm (that’s another thing, I can’t stand these scars I have...one set is tally marks that reminds me the number of times I’ve been raped, and the other is a reminder of how I escaped a cult). But, I feel like I have to do something with my body. Even just taking care of it better would probably alleviate some of this dysphoria.

I have my first appointment with my therapist on Wednesday. I have no idea how that will go. I’m really scared to open up about this stuff in person. I’ve reached a point where I’m not afraid to type something up and send it out on the electronic ocean, but the act of telling someone face to face feels really unnerving. I’m going to do it though. I can’t keep hiding or repressing this stuff. I want to heal. I want to love myself.

Hey, I wrote a short book about the experiences that led to me being in this place. It would really mean a lot if you picked it up. It's a rollercoaster ride through my childhood and explores (mostly) everything that shaped me into who I am today.