My life is full of boring days but on exciting times but I am still compelled to grind and grind
Sideways up-side down I love you sign or I was given the middle finger.
In a way I do like my life because if I would think of it, I am progressing. It is better then regressing or just being stagnant if not no prospect in the future just like many people where a level of uncertainty is overpowering their lives. In my case I do have different uncertainty and that is about my health issue. It is only the mercy and grace of God that I am surviving and without the power and influence of God in my life, I could have been a soil many years ago.
If I would think about what happened in my life, I could say that things feel into their proper places for my benefit and I feel like my fate is being protected. Like for example if my brother in tandem with my Aunt not funding the taxi service which was their venture to earn our family a living even though my father suddenly sold the right for that taxi to operate, I would have a lot of trouble for my need to be transported to and from the dialysis clinic which I went to and from all the past years of being a dialysis patient.
Then there's this, if my supportive brother didn't joined our church, then he would have been not that supportive or just be like my eldest brother which is not ready to help me even in the beginning. The support of this brother of mine had been a big crucial factor about my survival as a dialysis patient because in the beginning he with the help of my mother would go to loan sharks just to get some money for paying for my dialysis treatments and then he will pay it with his salary considering that he is just starting with his job during that time while my other siblings are still in school/college while my eldest brother returned to college to pursue a career as a teacher because he figured-out that his trade skill of being a welder will not really give him an ample amount of money to raise a family.
All the while when I was just so penniless that I would grip a twenty-peso bill because if I would lose it, I will have no more money to spend. I even ask my mother to give me some coins so that I could buy myself some candies and those were the years when I stopped going to College because my brain and body could not really cope anymore so I told my self to just stop until things would get better, it didn't until my Kidneys conked-out after even trying to get them fixed by going to the large hospital in the city but of no use because of the kind of Kidney disease which even if I get a transplant, the Kidneys would start to get inflamed again until they fail again not to mention that I am positive for Hep B which made the treatment not to push through.
But my brother which I am referring (not the eldest), will for certain limit his support for me and that is what I was thinking all the time because for one thing, he is not obligated to help me and this is true for my parents, none of them are. It is just the love of my family prevails although financially it is just so limited because we are just poor, it so happens that my siblings now have jobs along with their spouses which would be the reason that we or they are belonging to middle income when their salaries are combined with their spouses.
But my point is regarding my brother, he will soon raise a family of his own during that time that he was still single and will certainly prioritize his family over me. In fact he was giving me an allowance regularly until his maid asked for a raise and it affected my allowance getting slashed more than half. I reckon he took some of my allowance and gave it to his dodgy maid who actually faked a call saying that he plans to leave because she found a better paying job while she can be heard by my brother. How I learned about it, well my brother told us, he raised her salary anyways because it is hard to get another maid considering that he already had a kid and both him and his wife is working.
But it affected the amount of allowance which I received after. However I didn't complain nor even talked about it because for one thing I do not want to bother my brother about me, it is is just that I am just helpless during those times that I have to get have some money because I was a dialysis patient already and could not possibly work because I am weak all the time and do not feel well all the time as my dialysis treatments are always to far in-between and also my normal mobility also didn't help.
Fortunately after my effort of finding ways to make money from the internet, I did found it although it was short-lived, it worked as my gateway to investing and more. For investing, I did lose a whole lot but at least I was able to keep some which I do think is far more better than anyone can think of in terms of financial success. This peculiar financial venture which I went into had truly pulled a needle from my family's throats especially from my brother which will not worry anymore about supporting me financially.
It's the same with liberating my parents from worrying deeply because of me unlike before when we were just relying on a small store that my mother operates until she closed it because all of our needs are just taken from it because my father sold the taxi's right to operate all of a sudden and buying a useless air compressor and then a pesticide after he saw the chili pepper plant bore some while insects.
Like what I said earlier, things went into their proper places to make me survive with a flair and utmost relative success. It was like if I haven't done this then this would not have happened to my benefit scenario and it feels like I was being prevented from failing. I do think that it is a mercy and grace of God because even though I am the lowest of the low, I am always trying to do what is good and only God I think will ever know what my heart contains or wants and could be one reason why I am, like this!
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Camera Sensors: 50 MP Main Camera
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ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ɪᴍᴀɢᴇs ᴀʙᴏᴠᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴏᴡɴᴇᴅ ʙʏ @cryptopie 𝘶𝘯𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥
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So your life is full of boring days? How come you don't start painting like we talked about several times? It's time to take the next step and keep the mind busy, or ventilate by creating something.
You can use literally everything to paint instead of a brush, sponge, feather, cloth, piece of paper.
I understand the worries and frustration you had and feel at times. I do understand you don't like the way you look, the sound of your voice, how your life changed from one moment to the next and no I am not talking about not finishing school
You did some huge steps and you are still around, so m ake the best out of it, paint, paint, paint, create something, share music while you try to heal your body.
I you have no idea how it feels if you say this
I thought I said before you should NOT say that, no matter how you feel, it will not have a positive effect on you, and it hurts your mom as well.
Did you ever ask yourself how she feels, how your parents feel, if they feel guilty because of what you are going through, how much they worry and sacrifice, the tears they shed, all their unspoken words, thoughts?
The lowest of the low has nothing to do with looks but with how we act. How we behave towards others. The lowest of low are those who scam, cheat, fill their pockets on the account of those who cannot defend themselves or act, the lowest of the low are the rapists proud of themselves.
So gather yourself together and go shop for paint, brushes, paper, canvas and fight those dull moments, even if it takes you a week or month to paint, something is better than nothing.
Let me know what you like to buy.
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Hi Miss @wakeupkitty, I still long for that normal feeling which normal people feels in terms of physical well-being and often times it would affect me emotionally considering that I cannot no longer get back to that state of being normal again.
That is why I said that I am lowest of the low not because of being immoral, evil, and all that, but because I had gone into a path of fate where only a few in Billion people would fall into, so I regard myself as so unlucky considering that we only live once in this world and yet I failed to catch some joy from this short lifetime of mine.
But I am trying to keep myself strong inside and out because I do not want to disappoint the people who cares for my existence like you and others and of course my siblings like one of my brothers which supported me right from the start and also my parents which are like the hand of God for me. If I will lose spirit and give-up, it will also be a pain for the people around me and I do not want it to happen, so am just continuing to fight even though making a difference in my physical well-being seems to be futile because there will be a point that something has to give but I am trying not to think about it although it makes me sad and frustrated feel inside.
Anyway, If I would start to paint I will chose the watercolor paint because oil paints requires me to use volatile paint thinners to clean the supposed brushes and it is harmful to even anybody's health and i do not have an ample space to do it much less a physical energy to do the oil painting which I would really prefer than watercolor painting.
It is because oil painting with proper materials can do a much detailed creation in my opinion. I am basing it on how Bob Ross does his painting whom I got my inspiration to do my own digital painting before which I discontinued because it is a hard work because of my weak arms and hands. That is why I am finding myself trying to rest my eternally tired body and setting aside these things that I want to do. But maybe for now I can try a watercolor painting and I hope wills it for my body to get more better so that this supposed future hobby will be enjoyable rather than a painful chore to do.
Thank Miss @wakeupkitty for your love and support in many ways for me. I appreciate it all truly with my heart. 🧡🧡🧡🌹🌹🌹
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First of all I like you to know that I know not one single person who experience a positive physical well being.
My child asked me yesterday if I ever felt fresh after I woke up. I said no. The child has the same and many have no matter the age or how they look. Most suffer from their back, neck, cramps, painful joints, headaches and so on. It makes me wonder if it is all the result of the mental state (worries, rush) or we have serious lacks of sun, vitamins, minerals.
I know you felt emotional and you have all right to feel that way. No one can feel what you feel, the battle you fight every minute of your life next to the worries and everything you try to take care of. I truly find it a miracle you do this all, but also want you to do something fun for yourself to find some relieve and not only stare at a device or the ceiling.
How about you start with water colour and acrylic? Go have a look at what you can find and I sent you money (see PayPal).
Also look for the plants with flowers in front of your window. It's not a new house but it doesn't mean we can not brighten it up with the beauty we can create if we practice and it gives you different things to photograph.
Friend, let's do it now and not see it as a future hobby. Live today, let's not add more regrets.
A good start for or after Pentecost.
Live for yourself and if you feel you can no longer fight or hold on know that is fine too.
♥️♥️🤗🤗🍀🍀
Let's go for flowers and paint.
P. S. You can feel low or down but you are not the lowest of the low!
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I remember one of my brothers telling me when we were just kids and he said, "Last night I closed my eyes and when I opened them again it is already morning". It actually amazed me on how he slept nonstop without waking up at leas once which means an excellent health condition, well of course he is not sick.
I just missed those younger years of mine where at ten o'clock in the evening it is just unbearable to stay awake anymore and at that time the night seems to be so deep in the night for me considering that I am already sick back then but not yet on dialysis, just on the process.
Anyway I was feeling better "sleepwise" because of this mattress, it is not uncomfortable to lay down on my bed in any position thanks to you my friend. I must say that one soft mattress is a key for a good night's sleep although I still have an intermittent sleep pattern during the night but maybe the noise around like from the road causes it too.
I am saying that my body is so different now and I am frustrated about it so little differences in my well-being in terms of improvement is a real joy for me like for example even if I walk like a ten centuries old man with an acacia tree on my back, I am still so thankful that I can still move my body because I already experienced being a potato in bed with miserable joint pains and cannot possibly walk until thanks be to God a million I was able to at least crawl to the bathroom and wash myself on my own.
Anyway again, I don't know if I can ever paint. The digital painting that I had done before required me a lot of hours to do and its a trial and error until I got the best creation suited for my taste and little talent.
I reckon that unlike oil paintings, when I would do a water color, I will not be able to erase a redo what color I had put in. Actually I had never done a "real" painting before and I am not sure that I can ever do it although I wanted to but I am not an artist and lacks the skill for sure in doing it.
I appreciate the funds you sent me through PayPal to purchase the needed materials, now I will have to try it but I am afraid to try, I am not an artist. 😅
Thank you Miss @wakeupkitty for all your attention, love and support. May God always bless and keep you along with your loved ones. 🧡🧡🧡🌹🌹🌹
#wewrite #comment
Upvoted! Thank you for supporting witness @jswit.