The Hidden Burden

What are the customs and practices regarding parents in-law in your society? As human beings, we are commanded to maintain kinship and show compassion. Perhaps the fundamental difference between humans and other creatures lies in this very trait. However, in our society—particularly in Pakistan and India—there are such complexities surrounding in-laws that it becomes almost incomprehensible, especially when it comes to daughters-in-law.

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A culture and mindset have taken root here where the responsibility for the husband’s parents is considered more of the wife’s duty than his. No matter how progressive one becomes, the question remains: where will the elderly parents go at this age, and who will look after them? The answer is almost always the same: the daughter-in-law.

Now tell me, for those who have no sons, where will their daughter-in-law come from? Who will take care of them? And the issue isn’t always about how the in-laws behave. Even if they are exceptionally kind and understanding, there is still an added burden of responsibility placed on the wife. In our society, if you examine the situation closely, 90% of household conflicts revolve around this: "My mother wasn’t respected," "She wasn’t served food on time," "She didn’t get her tea," or "Her feelings were hurt."

Now tell me, how many relationships does a woman manage in a single day? Her husband, her children (some of whom may be stubborn or difficult), her parents in-law and at times, sisters-in-law or even more extended family members. In a deeply combined family system, sometimes even the husband’s brothers become part of her responsibilities.

But that’s a separate discussion. Even if it’s just the parents in-law, you must understand that the number of dependents relying on the woman significantly increases.

In many households, there is often an unspoken rule that the responsibility of maintaining the home and managing various tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, and ensuring everything runs smoothly, falls on one person. This is particularly true when in-laws stay for extended periods as guests in your house rather than you living with them, or even in situations where they live with you permanently. The expectation can create a significant burden on the lady of the house (i.e., the wife and daughter-in-law), even if the household is a shared space between the couple.

_{The culture in the Indo-Pak subcontinent, at least, is a bit of a different story!}

Speaking from personal experience, whenever I take on this responsibility, the dynamics of my family change entirely. My entire day revolves around worrying about what to cook for lunch and what to serve for dinner for my husband's parents. In the midst of this, my children often end up being neglected in one way or another. More than anything, I stop taking care of myself because I remain physically and mentally occupied throughout the day.

You’d be surprised to know that despite having help in the form of a maid, my work never seems to end. My mother-in-law is a kind woman. She doesn’t burden me intentionally, at least not from her perspective. However, given her age—she is 73—her role in our household is more like that of a guest. At this stage of her life, expecting her to do any physical work would be unfair.

I try my best to ensure she doesn’t have to exert herself in any way. But as a result, my own responsibilities increase significantly. I can’t go to the gym, I can’t take a walk, and I’m constantly under pressure with tasks piling up. Even their basic needs fall under my and my husband’s care, but household-related duties almost always become my responsibility.

I constantly find myself battling an inner conflict. A voice inside keeps reminding me that human compassion demands this effort, and it’s the right thing to do. But honestly, I get so tired sometimes. What makes it harder is that, despite the added responsibilities, my husband still manages to make time for his outdoor activities, while I can rarely, if ever, do the same.

My husband is supportive and (maybe) appreciative of everything I do for his parents. But even so, there are times when I desperately need a break from this routine. Unfortunately, I can’t take one. I have to remain constantly present—both mentally and physically—for them.

You might argue that I have the same level of responsibility toward my own children or family, but I beg to differ. While my children are usually fine with takeaways or snacks on days when I don’t feel like cooking, or when it’s a lazy Sunday; When elders are part of the equation, the concept of a Sunday simply doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a day off—every day requires the same level of attention and care, leaving no space for a true break.

Am I being overly dramatic? Maybe. I honestly don’t know. Because when I look around, I see women who are doing much more than I am. And apparently, they’re fine. Looking at them, it doesn’t seem like they’re very stressed or overworked.

Maybe it’s just me who feels overwhelmed, or perhaps others have simply learned to accept this as a way of life. Either way, it’s a constant struggle to find balance—between responsibility and self-care, between what’s expected and what’s sustainable. And while I try to manage it all, there are moments when I wonder if it’s okay to admit that sometimes, it’s just too much...