Focus on Being a Good-Enough Parent and Not a Perfect One

in #family7 years ago (edited)

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I’m pretty sure that when many of us now in our mid 30’s or older think of our childhood, we clearly remember being free to roam the streets and woods on our bicycles or on foot and had hardly any limitations on going out.

Not that our parents weren’t loving; they were caring and doting of course, but they weren’t overprotective. Instead of keeping us locked indoors and arranging inside activities, they used to let us explore the world on our own and encouraged us to kill our boredom by ourselves.

While the parents of this day and age, may criticize the older method of parenting, studies show that allowing your kids to take charge of managing themselves helps them emerge more confident, responsible, and stronger.

The times had changed a lot and parenting is not the same anymore. Parenting supervision and involvement has drastically increased and is almost 10 times higher than it was in the 1970s.

Modern parents are now almost always on the top of their children, telling them what to do and how to do and making sure their child stays safe from all sorts of perceived evils.

While being involved in your child’s life, activities and development are extremely important for their emotional well-being and progress, it is also essential that you don’t loom over them all the time.

A survey shows that children between the ages of 8 and 12 mostly stay indoors and about 1/3rd of them have never played in a muddy puddle. Moreover, it also showed that children are now hardly allowed to play beyond their own backyard. The distance kids traveled in the neighborhood was 90% larger during the 1970s.

The bigger issue behind this scenario is the reason why is it happening. Issues like child abuse, abduction, and violence have now pushed parents to hover on the top of their kids 24/7. Parents incessantly worry about their child going through any of these undesirable experiences outside of the home which is why they feel a strong need to keep them indoors and protect them from all sorts of harm.

Not only that, but parents are now more concerned about how their parenting approaches influence their children. They worry incessantly about whether or not they are good parents and if they need to do more to bring out the best in their children. This pressures them into doing everything they can to raise their children perfectly and to be perfect parents for them.

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Perfect Parents?

This is precisely the issue- the need to feel as if you are a perfect parent.

Perfectionism is a huge myth that needs to be debunked and since it is still prevalent in the society pushing people to be perfect in everything they do, it has now become a constant in parenting too.

Instead of trying to raise their children in a good enough environment and provide them with love, care, support, and guidance while encouraging them to be independent, parents now feel the need to be perfect parents. They feel it is their responsibility to look after every interest of their child and to make sure their child is always entertained, happy, comfortable, protected, and calm.

This makes them disregard the fact the person who is now their baby is soon going to grow into an adult and will need to step outside in the fast-paced world. If he or she is not mature, confident, sharp and independent enough to handle himself/herself alone in that world, it is likely that he/she will be crushed in the crazy stampede going on in the world today.

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Helicopter & Lawnmower Parenting

It is this ignorance that had paved way for two extreme types of parenting styles: helicopter parenting and lawnmower parenting. Both the styles are extreme and keep a child from growing, learning and prospering on his own.

Helicopter parents are mostly busy hovering over their kids and as soon as they feel their kids need their protection or help, they are ready to swoop in and save the day.

Lawnmower parents go a mile ahead of the helicopter parents and make sure to create a smooth path for their children to walk on, ensuring that they don’t encounter any obstacle on their journey.

Both these types of parenting interfere with their children’s’ personal lives even when they are adults and don’t let them mature on their own.

While parents with these parenting approaches may feel they have their children’s best interests in heart and are doing what’s appropriate for them, they are actually making their kids weaker and less confident from within.

Research shows that these parenting approaches often contribute to anxiety and narcissism in kids. Naturally, when kids are used to their parents saving them from every trouble and looking out for them, they stop doing that themselves and become upset when they encounter undesirable circumstances.

If this frustration continues to build, it can turn into anxiety. Moreover, when parents don’t provide their kids with a realistic environment and try to shield them from the harsh realities of life by only supplying them with the feel-good thoughts and suggestions, children are likely to turn into narcissists.

Not only that but helicopter and lawnmower parents keep their children from having their own adventures, learning from their mistakes and experiences and looking for fixes for their problems.

When I was young, I used to have lots of adventures daily with my friends when we used to roam the streets or the woods every day. Yes, we often used to return with bruises and cuts but all of that had its own charm and enjoyment.

Sadly, this is something parents pursuing perfectionism don’t understand. If you are by your child’s side 24/7, how are you supposed to let them grow and turn into an independent adult?

We are mortal beings and all of us have to depart this world one day, so what will happen when you cannot be physically there for your child? Let’s just put death aside since it can be frightening, what when you have to be somewhere else and cannot be present for your child? And what when your child grows into an adult and it is time for them to move out? Will you force them to stay with you even then because you are scared of them encountering troubles on his own?

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A Good-Enough Parent

If you want your child to grow up into a confident, mature, gritty, resilient, independent, and strong individual, you need to shun perfectionism and follow the good-enough approach.

Good enough parents are those who settle for good enough instead of chasing perfectionism. They let their kids have their own experiences, be independent, and learn from their mistakes by not supervising them 24/7. They let their children get bored because they know boredom strikes creativity and don’t focus too much on providing their children entertainment all the time.

Moreover, they don’t also read too much into the many emotions a child displays and perceives them for what they are. If a child is upset, a good enough parent won’t perceive it as a sign of bad parenting but will try to figure out the main reason behind the kid’s frustration and resolve it. Not only that, but good enough parents focus more on their children having an excellent and exciting childhood and to not hover over them all the time.

This does not mean the good enough parents do not care for their kids. Of course, they do look after their needs and make sure they are safe, but they also let their children look after their own interests. If you want your kids to be proud of themselves one day and live a more independent and meaningful life, you need to adopt the good enough parenting approach too. Here are some ideas that you can implement:

  • If your child is between the ages of 3 to 10, don’t encourage them to use the phone or watch TV if you feel they are getting bored. Rather, let them find entertainment on their own by creating their own games, activities, or by reading a book.

  • Take your children to the local parks and, if your child is above the age of 8, let them explore far from you for an hour or two. Make sure they know your phone number so they can contact you if they get lost. If you are too scared, observe them from a closer, but still far enough, distance and see how they interact with other kids. It is best to do this when your kid has one or more friends around. I know this sounds scary. If you are worried about child abduction, you should know that the likelihood of kidnapping has just increased by 0.0005% in the U.S. as compared to its rate in the 1970s.

  • When your child comes to you with a problem, don’t rush to offering him/ her a solution. Comfort and soothe him/ her and then ask him/ her to find a way to fix the mess. This helps him/ her think independently and broaden their horizons.

  • Also, set healthy boundaries and rules for your kids so they know what they are supposed and not supposed to do. This disciplines your children and keeps their attitude in check too.

Work on these approaches and keep showering love with firmness on your kids and you will raise great individuals.

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This article really teaches me a lot. I grew up in a family where my parents had laws and regulations to respect. Such as attending morning & evening family prayers, being the best at school and always reaching home early like before 6pm .

We used to play, moving with friends eating in neighbors houses,...but missing out his regulations would be a disaster.

I really don't understand this modern society. When I had just reached town from my district village, I fund different things like some kids never knew to organize some games with others, sharing and they all had their parents on their sides

My mum has never done it and that's why I love her. She only made sure that I study and finish my high school. She gave me some advices and then presented me a world to explore. Life was hard, I learnt to make money after starving for 3 days in a foreign land. I'll always thank her for that .

I started campus with a very small budget and spent a my time studying while working to survive. I know she could have sent me if she had, but that was not her purpose.

I spent time looking for connections, telling my friends to start up a business with but few really understood and I did it myself.

This life is real and strong mentorship is needed to survive. I fight to live, i'm not an orphan, but the only gift my parents did was to introduce me this world to explore when I had just reached 19 years, mentored since when I was 17 years old.

Wow, @jona12, I wouldn't have thought that this issue would be found in any large amount in Africa. I am always interested in your experiences as you live in a world that is very different in culture compared to where I live.

Thanks for sharing and I know that finding your own way has helped you greatly in life so far.

Yeah....I just learnt to fight on my own and be a responsible, independent and successful man one day

When I was young, I used to have lots of adventures daily with my friends when we used to roam the streets every day. Yes, we often used to return with bruises and cuts but all of that had its own charm and enjoyment.

Yes, yes, yes. This was my childhood growing up in East Tennessee in the 70s and 80s. We had HUGE adventures. At least it always seemed they were HUGE. The neighborhood was a spectacular place to grow up where I was from.
We had a creek, lake, cove and so much woods and forest.

I loved hiking back in the woods with my neighborhood friends. Especially going spelunking in the local caves.

It is this ignorance that had paved way for two extreme types of parenting styles: helicopter parenting and lawnmower parenting. Both the styles are extreme and keep a child from growing, learning and prospering on his own.

You know this raises a great point with me. What do you think about these kids getting Home Schooled their whole elementary and high school years??
Honestly, I just cannot imagine for the life of me how that is good for a child. A child needs to learn to adapt, thrive, and deal with a diverse environment a typical school presents.

Anyway, thanks for this post/rant @getonthetrain. A good one

Any homeschooled adults I have ever met were always quite weird fellows. I don't think that is just a coincidence.

Have you met any?

Not that I can remember right off hand. I am sure I have. But I would think they are probably a little strange and weird.. The whole act of doing it is

Helicopter parents are mostly busy hovering over their kids and as soon as they feel their kids need their protection or help, they are ready to swoop in and save the day.

Like the ones who argue with the teachers because their child had a bag grade... well if their child was the only one then the child should have studied more

es, we often used to return with bruises and cuts but all of that had its own charm and enjoyment.

I have scars from those days, especially on my hands from falling of my bike xD

I couldn't agree more with you, my parents always tried to protect me from some stuff, thank god i had a older brother, by the time my parents thought he had enough age to adventure on his own i was just a child, but since i was with my older brother i could go with him, some of my most precious memories are from that time, driving around on my bike.

I was only able to go out at night 1 year or 2 later than most teenagers, i had a curfew at 3 am for some months, after that the curfew expanded to 5 am but i always got home at 8 am xD
My father always gave me the best advices, but i guess i'm his son, i'm a stubborn guy that needs to do my own mistakes, so i repeated most of the mistakes he did and that he tried to give me advice on.

I've seen some Helicopter & Lawnmower Parents, most of their kids were socially unfit to deal with high-school, they couldn't fit in, they were awkward, and even when we tried to hang out with them we weren't able to, they were just to weird...
So parents, if you want your kid to be socially fit don't protect them from everything, let them do their own mistakes, do what this post says!

Yea, I've known a few kids that were homeschooled and they were all weird people - socially unfit as you say.

Now maybe that is just because these particular parents were also extremely protective and these kids had no chance to learn on their own.

I didn’t know lawnmower parenting was even a thing! I try not to hover over my two boys that much. I want them to grow up to be their own men, and it’s important for them to figure out some things on their own.

You gotta let them go so they will become strong minded adults.

I was blessed with parents who understood my every needs perfectly. They weren't that overprotective and was always supportive to what I want to do and what I want to be.

Great, do you know anyone who had very protective parents?

I had never heard the term lawnmower parent until now, and honestly the idea that a parent would directly manipulate their child's environment to stop them from encountering hardships that would make them grow as an individual is, quite frankly, frightening.

I think it's time to create a horror movie on the subject!

Oh, I am sure that would be a nice flick!

Hadn't noticed that now days parents are even more protective. We have alot of helicopter parents nowdays
I suppose many of the children are not growing up to experience the toughness of the world incase it ever became so.
Actually nowdays here in Uganda Africa many sons and daughters take a very long time before leaving their parents homes after graduation not like those days when sons left their parents home to face the world when it was early enough.
Thanks for this one, I think good parenting is much better than perfect parenting.
Considering the fact that we are all humans who make mistakes.

True, I do hear that a few men are still not leaving home even when they are in their 30's! They say it is because life is too expensive, but I think there is something else. I mean, if it was just money why not have a roommate or two to splot expenses with?

I think it is because these men are too scared to be without mommy.

When I was young, my parents don't like me going out the house since I am a girl. So I always sneaked out to visit my relatives house.

Sneaky, sneaky. Did your relatives never tell on you?

Well this is an article that is well worth reading. I am not a parent but I'm an ant to 4 boys. What I can say that is important for them is that their parents notice them. Children need love and parents that are aware that each child has its own character, and common sense, and... 😆😆😆

Well, thanks for the kind words about my article here. How independent are your nieces and nephews?

Great read, it is sadly true that parents these days are so controlling that their children have no idea how to function without them.
I was very overprotective with my first but as I have had had more children I have grown as a mother and now push them to experience things on their own. Let them makes mistakes and take chances while they are young and let them learn from this. If hey never fail it will hit them hard when they become adults and make the realisation that not everything can be controlled for them.