In a Dream

I met him two years ago at work. I never expected any of this to happen. I fell for him. We fought and made up a million times. We became close, and we became distant. He ended up with my best friend Amelia, and a lot happened because of it. She did a lot, and I did a lot. In the end, when we finally let it all go, he was gone. It’s been 4 months. I still don’t understand, but these are things that happen. He was a huge part of my life, and I have so much to say about our story, But for now, I want to share my dreams.

I dream a lot, but in the whole two years I spent loving and hating him, I only dreamt of him twice. Since he's been gone it's been about four times. The first dream I ever had of​ him was ​a first date. We were at work I think, and he asked me out. It was Valentine's day. We left and ended up at an empty arcade in upstate New York. He told me it was his fathers, and he had closed it down so we could spend our whole day there. I just remembered feeling curious, excited, and very in love. It was just a dream. When I saw him at work the next day, I had even more feelings for him. I couldn't stop thinking how happy I would be for my dream to come true. The next dream was based on New Years. We were walking down Hoboken, and we went into a liquor store. Someone I know was there being rude to me. S started fighting him, and I pushed him out. We left and ended up in a coworker's apartment. We went into the bathroom, and this part felt so real. He was drunk, and I was upset. He kissed me, and I swear I could feel it even after I woke up. He said he loved me. I think that's when I woke up. Almost everyone at work knew about my crazy crush on him at this point. A lot had happened. I was speaking to our friend Steve, and I told him about the dream. The ​door to the shop opened, and it was him walking toward us as he usually did, to our spot. Steve's corner in the shop.

After he passed away, I had a dream I was at work with the girls. He was walking by and I didn't speak to him. I barely noticed him, he was just kind of there in the background. There was an art show, and all the focus was on that. Amelia told me later she had a dream exactly​ like that. He was just there in the background, and she was in the office unable to speak to him. The next dream was heartbreaking​. It was a two weeks later. I was in my office, and he was sitting on the desk. We were talking, and it felt so real. I touched his leg, and I could feel it like I feel my own skin right now. I completely forgot he had died. I thought​ that moment was actually real until he disappeared​​d. I was crying, "I forgot! I forgot he died! He was right there! I swear he was right there!!" I then woke up into a different dream where I was telling my mom about the dream, then another one where I was telling Amelia about the dream. I was so upset. When I woke up, my heart felt heavy. It was as if I had just found out all over again. After that, I didn't dream of him again until his birthday. I was coming down the stairs at our old job, and I saw him. He was standing in the hall in front of the manager's​ office rapping a song that just came out. I was thinking, "How is he here?" I got closer, confused, wondering if anyone else could see him. I reached out to him, but my hand kept going through him. I begged him "please, let me hold you!!" Finally, he faced me. He hugged me smiling, and he said: ​"it's ok." I woke up wanting to hug him. The last dream I had was last night. If you read my last post, you know I have not been ok the past few days. I fell asleep crying. I was in that office again. Sitting on my seat, and he was sitting at​ his desk right in front of me. I was telling the girls he came back to life, and he was trying to get used to his body. He had a serious face on. I was thinking how crazy it all was. Then, he turned to me. I stared back at him nervously. Then, he smiled. He put his hand up to the glass. I envisioned a post it on his desk, saying "It's ok. :)" I can't remember anything else. I woke up feeling happy. It’s nice knowing he’s still here, alive in my memory. I don't know what this all means, but it's nice to be able to see him every now and then. I miss you S; I love you.