Resilience and the importance of having a full well

6 or 7 years ago, when I was deep in the trenches of single motherhood to a 6 year old who's Dad had just emigrated half way round the world and a newborn who barely slept, a good friend of mine started asking me - how have you filled your cup lately? What she meant was, what had I done to give myself the energy, patience and general good feelings to be able to meet the needs of my children whilst also maintaining a degree of sanity.

Now, as a business and life strategist, it's a question I ask my clients. I have come to regard this cup as a well, something that each of us has and which is filled by specific things that are unique to us all. When life gets challenging, how full our well is determines how much resilience we have and how easily we weather the storm. When your well is empty, even the smallest deviation from your expectations can feel catastrophic.

So, how do you ensure your well is kept topped up so that you have a full complement of resilience to face life's challenges? By working out what fills your well and doing more of that!

I work with a lot of women, and particularly for those with young children, the first port of call is nearly always sleep. When you are chronically exhausted, it's like having a hole in the bottom of your well - it doesn't matter how many other things you do to fill it, they are unlikely to build up a reserve. Beyond that, start by asking yourself a few questions:

• do I feel energised or drained after spending time with lots of other people? Knowing whether you are an introvert or an extrovert can be a big help. Bear in mind that you can be a shy extrovert and an outgoing introvert - the key to knowing which is to know whether you feel reenergised by time on your own / with 1 or 2 close friends or by spending time with lots of other people.

• what is my love language? Feeling loved is a big one for lots of people, and maybe you don't feel you are getting that from the people around you. Before decluttering all your relationships, find out what your love language is and work out whether the people around you are showing love to you but just in a way that you don't 'hear' it
  ( http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ )

• what things have I done in the past that left me feeling deeply content, exhilarated or excited and ready for more?

Now, get on and try some! It's a process of trial and error but soon you will start to learn which activities and experiences fill your well and which ones drain it. When you find something that works for you, do more of it!

Some suggestions for inspiration:

• Creativity. For some of us, when we stop creating our well runs dry. Refill it by creating - no purpose necessary, just do it because it fills your well. Paint, sculpt, knit, photograph, quilt...whatever floats your boat

• Nature. Go for a walk, swim in the sea, book a camping holiday, spend time with your pets, do some gardening!

• Human touch. Intimacy and touch are a key element of a full well for lots of us. Sexual intimacy with a partner is one way, but also hugs from friends or children, massage from a professional, hand holding, back rubs, reflexology - there's a whole host of ways to fulfil this need

• Exercise. Go for a run, ride a horse, do a yoga class, dance round your kitchen whilst no-one's looking

• Express yourself. Make music with your voice or an instrument, join an amateur dramatics group, write poems or songs or books, use interpretive dance to answer all your children's questions for a day

• Travel and new experiences. Go to a gallery or a museum and fill your mind with new images and knowledge, visit a town or city you've not been to before, fill your senses with new sights, sounds and smells