Physical pain is better than emotional one

When all else fails, work. Work your ass off. Sure, your body will ache and there will not be a muscle you will not feel but you will be so physically tired that crying yourself to sleep will last much shorter than usual. There is a reason why "physical therapy" for patients with depression has shown great results.

In the last ten days, I have not slept more than 5 hours a night and had extreme physical activity all day. Too bad that @actifit is not synced with MiFit2 watch. My phone was not on me all the time and the battery only lasts for a couple of hours (yeah, I know, I need a new one...) but that watch was showing somewhere around 45000 steps on average. When you combine that with little or no food, you get 3 kg lost in ten days. Extreme, some would say, but again... Physical is better than emotional, not always but often and it is very therapeutic, at least that is what my doctor says so I guess I am fine. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I am doing great, who am I to argue? Why bitch around when I can renovate and make a complete makeover on my apartment? Plastering holes in the walls, sanding, painting, varnishing wood, walls, pipes, radiators? Sure, why not? Cleaning every piece of furniture no matter how big or small (even those that are already clean) and then cleaning it again? Sure, bring it on! And besides, it is not like I do not have some weight to lose so it is actually a win-win situation. Until I can get my hands on a new phone, my actifit daily activity will be very low. Stupid thing lasts for 3 or 4 hours and then it dies. It takes some 7 hours to charge it again ____ (insert your favorite curse word on the line)

The thing I am longing for is some peace, quiet and my for my life to get back to normal (whatever that means). I think normal is overrated and who the f*ck defines it anyway? All I want is less than 20 things on my "daily to-do list". I know, I have put them there myself and it is sort of bi-polar/schizophrenic to ask yourself to leave yourself alone while you are, on the other hand, pushing yourself to do as many things as possible, but no matter how many people around, sometimes the best person to talk to is yourself. You can be your worst enemy (my curent case) or your biggest supporter (my usual self). That is what I want. I want to be my usual happy self again. It still feels chaotic and I just want to relax. When I do try, panic kicks in so relaxing is (at least for now) not a logical option. Standing still, even just for a moment brings entropy of thoughts and emotions. Sadly, my physical body is slowly refusing further cooperation and those moments of stillness when time itself stops and I am left in a never-ending moment of agony, are becoming more regular than I would want them too. PMS time is not helping and I am trying to rationalize my condition with biology and hormones. It is not helping. My brain simply gives me the middle finger and switches off leaving me to act like a punching back to my own dispear. The good thing with having more than 20 things on that to-do list is, I have no time to give in to those emotions. I just wipe my tears when they come (which is usually in the worst possible situations like paying for stuff at the farmers market or in the public transport) and carry on to the next task. I have plans, a lot of big plans and I can not start working on them until this chaos is still present. Nothing lasts and neither will this. A little purifying chaos for a better future is a good thing, right? Physical pain is better than emotional one.

Daily Activity, House Chores, Walking