Do you have children? Or teens? I used to think the same way as you’ve written. I didn’t yell at my little boy. Then he turned into a complete teen-boy stereotype – and I learned why moms yell.

More to the point, is yelling really the issue? Or is it forgetting to reinforce what is said, in whatever tone it is said, with appropriate reinforcement actions? I see lots of parents driven to distraction by their kids, yelling at them, but doing nothing proactive to reinforce the discipline they are trying to impart. Or – and this is the experience of most parents today – is it people sitting in judgement of our parenting who are not, never have been, and never will be in that moment in which we’ve been driven to yell?

A real life event, witnessed by me (I had been sitting on my own front porch watching my young son playing with other children in our yard): A mother I know, devoted to her son and daughter, is a woman who never raises her voice. She doesn’t hit her children. Her then eleven-year old daughter was angry over having her phone taken away from her. She was outside, on her front porch blocking her mother’s entry, screaming obscenities at her mother, who just walked away. The girl continued screaming so loudly and with such profane vitriol, that the workman building a house a block away stopped their work and came out into the middle of the street to see what was happening. Her mother walked around to the back of the house and went inside through the back door. The girl remained at the front door screaming for several minutes more until she finally flounced off the porch, flopped on the lawn and laid there crying piteously until she wore herself out to the point she couldn’t be heard any longer.

Another real life event: I had my son at the age of 40. I’m also disabled and use a cane to walk. He was a very active and extremely curious toddler. When we went places in public, I didn’t want to keep him strapped down to a stroller all the time. I wanted him to grow up active and moving. So, I employed a tether. Everywhere we went, he wore his favorite monkey backpack, which was really a harness and tether. He was a laughing, curious, happy little boy. That didn’t stop the judgey-judges from telling me how terrible it was to “put a leash” on my child.

Another real life event: My husband was in the line at the grocery. Our then two-year old was in the seat in front of him. Our curious toddler kept reaching out for all the brightly colored packages in front of him. My husband kept pulling his hands away, but never raised his voice nor scolded our son. An elderly judgey-judge behind him flat out GROWLED at my husband, “You’re spoiling that child!”

A generalization: A kid who wanders through the store touching everything, knocking over displays, picking up products, etc., while a parent drones in futility for them to behave – we’ve all seen that parent and child. How often have we seen a child run amok in a store, while a parent just keeps futilely calling for them to stop? We’ve all heard the parent’s nagging refrain. How many times has that parent removed the child’s hands from their straying? Or held the child’s hand to stop them roaming? Does the parent ever pick up that small child and put them in the cart so the can no longer run amok? I also know that I have seen people look upon that parent with scorn and even heard some deride their parenting. Most of these judgey-judges think they’re offering helpful advice. Worse, if the parent does take hold of the kid’s hand, or puts them in the cart, the child has a meltdown and then all those same self-appointed judgey-judges around the little family look on in scorn or, again, take it upon themselves to let the parent know what a terrible parent they are being.

Parenting is hard. It’s practically a minefield, at times. There are no easy answers – EVER. No one wants to yell at their kids or to see anyone else’s kids yelled at. But, there are times when yelling feels like the only thing left. If a child will not listen to calm reason, or has a meltdown over direct intervention, what is left to parents? And, who are we to judge?

Perhaps more “walk a mile in my shoes” and fewer judgey-judges would make parenting less of a minefield. Maybe yelling is just clearing a path through the minefield.