Broken hearted

I don't wanna hide it anymore.
Two years passed by and I still don't know where
we stand..
Maybe you think of me as a friend or maybe not.
Maybe you think that I'm an idiot and want
nothing to do with me.
Maybe you don't think of me at all.
But still..
Every time you're around I don't really know what
to say and I become insecure and self
conscious.
It's an uncomfortable thing not knowing whether
to show affection or be indifferent because you
don't know how they'll take it.
That unexpected almost kiss on new year's eve
left me perplexed and I didn't know how to deal
with it. How to deal with you. It was out of
nowhere and it changed a lot. I didn't take it
seriously but I guess your intention was obvious
two weeks later on my birthday.
The side of my story is that I pushed you away.
But I didn't know if you meant it or not and it
never happened to me before to have someone
interested in me that way. I wasn't even sure if I
thought of you in that way. I loved your way of
thinking and I couldn't help but feel energetic
when you're around but I was scared that I didn't
know you enough.
It hurts. It hurts a lot not knowing what to do
and how to handle it especially when I haven't
been in a relationship before and I was scared to
mess things up especially with you.
I thought that by avoiding it and acting as if
nothing happened things wouldn't be awkward
and our friendship wouldn't be ruined. But it
wasn't the case. At least not for me.
A coward I was for running away from it,
whether you meant it or not because it messed
up my head when something like having someone
in my life was the least of my concerns but
suddenly it became everything I could think of.
We never talked about it really, I never dared I
guess.
I tell myself that someday we'll get a chance to
talk deeply and honestly about what we think of
each other but it won't happen because you see,
I'm not much of a great talker and you probably
don't care.
You mean a lot to me as a person and I didn't
want to ruin whatever was between us and hurt
you but I guess that's exactly what happened.
We barely talk anymore, and if we do it's a
shallow and meaningless conversation.
If you could read my mind you'd know how much
I tried to sum up the courage and talk about it
but the proper words just won't get out, and plus
it would be very weird after all this time to open
that subject out of nowhere. I even pity myself
for still thinking about it.
I'm not the type to over analyse every word and
move, in fact I hate it, I don't even think of this
stuff and understand that everyone has their
reasons but I can't help myself to think about
the few words we exchange every time we meet,
by chance, or every move you make because it
constantly feels like you're avoiding me and I
don't like that.
I don't like not knowing whether it's because you
don't like me anymore or if you're just like me
not knowing what I think of you and afraid to
confront me.
Maybe we're just two people afraid of
confronting each other.
Maybe not.
I never meant to write this long,
I never meant to write at all but,
I never take my feelings seriously, and I never
set them free.
But it's true that the things we don't say are
what haunts us the most.
Truth is I don't think I care anymore.
I care about you but no longer about what you'll
think if you ever read this.
I just needed to get it all out
Because I never did
And probably never will.
Funny are the battles that we fight only in our
head.