Enter: Survival Mode.
This is my "what the actual fudge life" face, lol
I have pretty much spent my entire life living in “survival mode” and for the most of it I have thrived through the stress, chaos and constant chase to the finish line - but this time around the arena I am pretty peeved about it if I am honest, lol - but, having said that… I only have myself to blame. What is that expression… fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.
This break up marks the second time I have to rebuild my life from the ground up and deal with the heaviness of a broken heart in the process. Those are not two things which are very easy to manage well together… as anybody who has been through it will know.
In many ways, the first time I had to navigate my way through these waters was easier - as ludicrous as that even sounds, because I had just given birth to my first child, had to go through a really ugly divorce two months after his birth, continue running a business AND deal with a wrecked heart. Perhaps my perception is a little skewed now because so many years have passed since then, lol - I mean I know that time in my life was BRUTAL to say the least and I do recall the many days which I honestly just didn’t think I could go on… but, I suppose what made it different then was a few finer details that lack in my life this time around.
Snippets from my life lately
First off and probably the most impactful - at that time, I still had my mom around to reassure me, guide me and comfort me. Sadly, I no longer have that grace. I do talk to her… even out loud lately haha… but she only ever seems to answer me in my dreams and I often struggle to decipher those messages… though not for lack of trying.
The other thing which was starkly different to now, is that I had a business to run. Initially it was a monumental mountain which I never thought I would be able to climb… but it actually became one of my biggest saving graces, because I was literally busy every single moment of the day and I had very little time to dwell on “crap”.
My life is rather different now… a lot “quieter” all round and perhaps that is why I am struggling with it all more. Well, not struggling… okay, yes - struggling - FARK I don’t know… haha! Whatever, you know what I mean… well, I hope you do at any rate!
just a reminder that you can buy my art on all sorts of cool stuff! Pillows are my favourite as you can see
I am doing my best to look at things from a maturer perspective though. Back then, having my mom around made things a lot easier and it also allowed me to escape to some degree… I could go out with friends etc. this time around I have been forced and have also forced myself to deal with the solitude. The silence and everything that comes with it. Which is a lot.
Like a lot of a lot! Haha! But, I know that that aspect of it is a HUUUUGE learning curve for me, all on its own… because if I can steer my way through the often SO overwhelming moments of nothing, accompanied by my mind, its internal chatter, the heart problem… and everything else - then I think I could weather ANY storm in my future… though I do hope there are less of them, lol - because I am feeling pretty tethered to be honest, haha!
Just another glorious sunrise in Bumpkinland!
Writing is something that has helped me heal my entire life. In fact, it was the writing here that actually got my life back on track way back then! It helped me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe! I have found release through many mediums in my life and art is another, but writing I think will always be my first love.
So, here I am again… to annoy the one person who reads this. I think Steemit allows a post every 8 minutes or something like that hehehehe… you might see close to that from me for the next little while and I apologise in advance, but - I need to offload somewhere and because I don’t really TRUST anyone who is “physically” in my life enough to share with them… here I come. Here I have always come and here I will continue to return… and can I just say, I absolutely LOVE that I can do that!
A tune - because why not! This is a Saffer and Aussie combo! Enjoy :)
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Typos make me human. I may or may not get around to correcting them.
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Dear Jaynie! I'm getting very personal now, and I apologise in advance for that. You are open and direct yourself and perhaps believe me that I don't want to annoy you.
Write freely! Let out what gets you down. Sort yourself out. I've done the same thing for years. But: you're lonely. You won't find contact or company on the Steem or anywhere else online. So write down your grief every eight minutes, but pull the ripcord before you only exist online... And you look super cute in your photos - but I see wine all too often. Take care a little...
Hugs from the heart! And now go for a run or go gardening or power yourself out in some other way.
With all due respect - I am a 44 year old woman and I will cope with a 13year relationship breakup however I see fit that helps prevent me from putting an end to my life entirely. I do not need to be parented here please. If I wanted to be parented, I would have gone and had a conversation with my father.
I have no doubt it came from some kind of a good place, but a little bit out of line for you to think it okay to tell me how to better manage myself, or how long it should take me to deal with this and that I need to "cowboy up" and get on with it.
I will do whatever I need to do, however I need to do it, for as long as I feel I need to do it.
Perhaps it is not company I am seeking here, perhaps it is a safe space to release - and your comment, only makes me feel judged - and yes, highly annoyed.
You don't need to understand how or why I do things - but you do need to respect my choices without imposing your "solutions" on me.
I've now looked at all versions of your reply - the edits wouldn't have been necessary for me, all good.
Far be it from me to tell you what to do like an underage child. Hey - I'm sitting thousands of kilometres away reading your blog! But I'll tell you what I notice (you usually like it and respond to it) - and in this case it's a kind of intervention. Incidentally, this works best when it comes from an outsider and not from your own inner circle.
So don't let me annoy you any further. Just as you use and need writing, I am someone who reads and thinks about it. And then also writes. It doesn't get any better than that, for both of us ;-))
I have no interest in destroying a perfectly nice "friendship" or whatever you call these online interactions - I understand that your intentions were not negative - and mostly I do enjoy as well as appreciate your candid nature, but a little presumptuous to assume I needed an "intervention" to begin with. Just because I share my emotions doesn't mean I am falling apart at the seams. Just because I enjoy having a glass of wine in the evenings does not mean I have lost the plot.
I am a big girl. Made it this far, I am certain I will be just fine. Time is the only real healer anyway.
Thanks.
Wow. Very amazing pics. I love your pillows.