Survival

The months of April and May have been two significant months in my life for two years now and I would love to share a life story perhaps someone would pick courage or strength from my journey.

Here it is.

Friday, 7th April, 2017

That date up there changed my life, it has ushered me into the good, the ugly and the victory. Each step has been a blessing thus far not forgetting the challenges I have faced these many months as well.

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It was 12:45 am I was still wide awake writing a story which I would post for Facebook. A story that refused to let me sleep until I had written it down before I could find rest, so, I started the story for "Dearest Austin"...a story to a dear friend my department lost a year back. The post is still on my page and I have refused to delete it even though Facebook notify me of this post yearly.

I started writing until 2:00 am when I concluded my story, posted on Facebook immediately before calling it a night. I reread the story one more time to check for errors after I had posted it then made my move to charge my already drained battery. After I had done this, I stretched my tired body on the bed to fall asleep.

Two men walked into the room with one a gun and the other a knife. The one with the gun was skinny in shape with a somewhat rugged face but because of the blue light I couldn't see the faces of these men while the other chubby baldy held a gun. It was then I knew they were robbers.

They had come through the back door! Same door I and my roommate made sure to secure every night before we slept.

How? Why did we forget to double.. Triple check if it was properly locked? Who left the door open?

These and many questions loomed my mind as the robbers told us to lie down on the floor. Ahhh!!!. The worst condition they met us in was in our nakedness. We for two months slept naked with the windows open for ventilation so we could have proper sleep else the heat would deal with us.

On the cold tiles we laid shivering in fear as the robbers ransacked the room looking for valuables. They made away with our phones, chargers, earpieces, money we withdrew the day before and my new school bag.

Petty thieves.

They even had the nerves to ask for our laptops but we told them we had none so they kept quiet.

After the operation, they went just behind the window to whisper, I heard when they were contemplating what to do with us. I was shocked, I was shaking, wanted to make a move to go jam the back door before they came back to finish off what they agreed to do to us and then scream my voice out to alert my neighbours and others about the incident. Out of fear I laid still. I didn't want to lose my life just yet. I didn't want to die while in year three (3). I wasn't ready for death yet so I laid still.

I laid obediently there praying and asking God to let this cup pass over us. I prayed for the safety of I and my roommate. I really prayed.

I felt a tap on my left shoulder then I looked up. It was one of the robbers who asked us not to scream or say a word else they would shoot us. The rugged one told us to corperate and do according to what he says.

They asked us to follow them outside in our naked state out in the cold night.

We begged.
We pleaded.
We cried.

We knew what they wanted.
We knew this was going to change our lives for good.
We knew the stigma.

They refused to listen. Threatened us the more. I got slapped in turn when my voice was beginning to get loud and was promised death if I dared. In the process my lower lips was bruised because the force of the slap made me bit my lip. I tasted blood.

Ayemi!!! Ahh!!

This was how being 20 felt like.
This was how being initiated into adulthood began.
This was how.... Jesu!!

We followed cowardly. We marched to our doom. We went on until we got to the fence. These idiots helped us over the fence to an open land...to an uncultivated land and had their way.

One for each girl. One for the road.

University of Port Harcourt ! 😭

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Saturday, 8th April, 2019

After we had climbed down, I ran like a mad woman banging on the doors of my neighbours to tell them what happened. I screamed. I Cried. My roommate was exhausted, weak as she laid on the bed weeping profusely. My neighbours, boys, came to our scattered room to console us and see if they would find the culprits. It was an unlucky search!.

7 am.

My roommate suggested we go to the hostel to a friend of hers so we would get help from her, call our parents and relatives to relate our ordeal to them, by using her phone.

We each took turns to call our relatives... Mine was my elder female cousin who stayed at Woji. She had to urgently call my uncle to rush to the hostel to get me and roommate and equally take us to the school clinic to run tests on us so we know if there were any tragic issues that needed taking care of.

My head was all woozy and aching I felt faint on each test. My body was no longer mine I wanted to just sleep sleep for long and never wake up. To forget all of this.

                   Heavy sigh. 

All tests proved negative. All.

We were administered drugs (the blue ones especially that was to be taken for a month without fail), counselled to and told to take heart. The looks from the doctors and nurses read pity and pain. They attended to us quickly giving words of encouragement which spoke to our broken spirits.

We were asked to choose between the school clinic and Doctors Without Borders at Garrison for our treatments. We took the former because of distance and fear of spreading the news further.

Evening.

I got to my cousin's with my uncle, my roommate and a friend. The journey was in silence with me exhausted and eyes red and puffy. Eye bags had emerged within hours of continuous weeping with my nostrils partly blocked.

I ended up staying a week there as I returned to school to write my first semester exams. I thought I could push the incident aside to write my exams, alas, I failed woefully to stay strong. I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't read. Rather I slept more than read! I would sleep a whole day without eating a meal if I do not force myself to. It was a struggle.

A month later there was news the police apprehended two notorious thieves and was asked to come identify if they were the ones. I was happy, I wanted to see justice done, to be avenged for the sin done to me, I wanted those men behind bars.

But,

My roommate outrightly told me to leave her name out of my mouth if I choose to go public and into the papers.
My parents and some of my relatives told me to forget about the case that it would bring more harm than good and equally give me a label that would last a lifetime if not properly handled.

                    Sighs. 

I had to let go. Had to listen to 'reason'.

My roommate and I parted ways with each dealing with her pain her way and mine was a long laborious process.

June.

I moved to another community in school...living alone, a choice I made on my own because I had had company in my freshman and sophomore years. I wanted something different, to face my battles alone, cry without stopping and have nobody console me. I fought hard by myself.

The drugs began to take effect as I began losing more weight. It started with lose of appetite which became a routine or I found myself forcing myself to eat just a little because my intestines began to rebel.

Then I began skipping classes, go late for classes, looked semi unkempt not minding colour combination or cloth pattern, I missed tests, never wrote assignments, my smiles faded because I kept to myself, I cut my hair, just didn't bother about life again. I sank deeper and deeper into my hole.

I had many thoughts - suicide inclusive - and would spend longer time in school because my room became hunting and when the night drew nigh, I prayed for strength, strength to face the nightmares. I had daymares too. My sleep was always interrupted.

Then I took to writing dark poems or short stories. It was at this point poetry found me, this phase I knew I could write better for I was looking for a way to express my thoughts without talking to anyone. A way of freedom.

            I was all alone. 

July - August.

These months were beautiful months for me, months I began the journey of healing and healing completely after I decided to open up to someone about my darkness. I spoke with Maureen Alikor.

Each time I felt chocked I would call her to let me come over. When the nightmares came she was the first that came to my mind to share them with although I didn't call often as I thought I would be a burden to her.

Her house became my succour.
She became my mother, friend, adviser.
She spoke to my spirit.

To further keep my head busy and avert my attention from sadness and depression to being social and alive, I began selling snail sauce and rice to my coursemates and some of my neighbours too. It became a mini business which made me make little profits from it 😂 soon I began thinking wide and global but had to stop because of school. The workload became unbearable. I couldn't balance school with work and had to sacrifice one for the other...with my accidental entrepreneurship which lasted a month, I learnt!

The remaining months in 2017 had me join the phls family courtesy of Maureen.

2018

I started a mentoring school - Mould Africa to keep up with my social life after I met Mezie and we talked with me opening up to him as well. Mezie has been an amazing friend same with Kingsley and these men made 2018 fun for me.

Soon I began speaking to my mind, spirit and heart, found comfort in my room because I spoke it to be, and read books on self help to boost my confidence. I became the lively me again within the Phls circle 🤗

2019

The 2017 incident made me have an extra year in school (I cried in March on the day of my school's 32nd convocation ceremony when I remembered my coursemates and my roommate who graduated / convoked) but I am no longer bothered about it because I gave myself time to heal properly and entirely. I no longer have nightmares nor feel depressed anymore and when I have the opportunity to share this experience to anyone, I do with confidence. Nobody can shame me. It will be your undoing if you think you would use this stigma on me because I wear it proudly and brightly 🤣.

I will love and be loved.
I will get married.
I will have sex and enjoy it.
I will birth children.
I will help people.

Rape victims still live life.