Mum

LOVE waking up to rain and thunder. LOVE a cloudy, dreary day. It gives me peace and assurance that I'm really not crazy or alone, that nature's simple rhythms and unhindered balance, its intrinsic ability to know when the time has come to "vent," if you will, is proof that we all ARE a part of the grand scheme of things.
God, Creator, the Universe, or merely reality, whatever term is used; set up things to work and to work together in unity. In the supposed outer natural world, there is no conflict, ridicule, judgement, or criticism among nature's "cast." Each of Earth's basic "cast members," have a role to play; each "member" has its place and they don't envy each other or jockey for higher position. The seasons don't complain when their time comes to allow the next to enter into its moment. The water, trees, other plant life, rocks, and dirt don't rage when a storm uproots, redirects, or otherwise relocates them.
From that train of thought, rainstorms almost appear to be an innate transformation or pressure release; and the word "pressure" is even included in meteorological terms when weather changes. Low pressure brings the eruption of "bad" weather, high brings the expression of "good." Low pressure systems free up and mold moisture, high pressure has the "flame" to get things cooking and expanding; and the clash of high and low creates a release of rain, snow, thunder, lightning, ice, wind etc.; not in anger, but more in ecstasy.
After a storm, there's a tangible peace in the air. It's as if nature slams together to let out a build up of friction produced from the basic workings of all that exists in the framework of what is.
Enter the human element. Something in me, something in us seems to throw off the natural order of things that should be innate. We complain, we conquer, we mock, we compare, we climb, we judge, and we rage when someone outshines us; as if whatever place we're at or season we're in is never enough.
Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the difficult position I'm in, or maybe I'm seeing things that were just never obvious before; but I want the balance, the ease of acceptance, the desire to flow as nature does --- without judging, comparing, or getting the upper hand on anyone else. I just want to be me, to love and accept others freely, to celebrate my and others' victories without jealousy or estrangement, to have others want to do the same.
The human world is inherently not this way. In fact, humanity is becoming increasingly inhumane. So, for me, (at least right now) being alone is survival. Observing the rhythms of nature and restoring the faith in myself being a part of it all, accepting my purpose or role in it all as it has been laid out to me, even when it seems to conflict with what role humanity thinks I should play, is necessary for my sanity and physical health.
Unfortunately, I will have to get certain things checked out in me because of my drug abuse. My using drugs has caused chaos in my physiology to the point that my body is at war with itself. Perhaps even this treatise on nature and our connection to it is a mere manifestation of that war, I don't know. I don't think so though --- it feels SO good to get my complicated thoughts down and organized into a cohesive, coherent essay. At least I hope it cohesive and coherent. I've enjoyed writing it in any case. Maybe some day I'll write something to change the world, who knows.
I have left much out.