#19. Taking the Deep Dark D

Taking the big dark D… when it’s nocking on your door you might get frightened. As I’ve said before, speaking out your fears is the gateway to overcoming them. To be honest, I’ve had a week with a lot of dark thoughts.

My whole life I’ve been confronted with manic depressions, bi-polar disorders and the cherry on top of the pie: burn-outs. The 50 shades of grey I know have very little to do with kink. Whenever I’m having some down-time, my mind tries to self-fulfil the dark prophecy. In stead of drawing towards compassion and self-love, my autopilot is more towards self-harm.

I’ve always refused to take medication to change my mood, my most used medicine is exercise and being outside. My spinal cord injury really messed up these two tools I had to bounce back, that was a pretty tricky curve-ball life threw me. Past 6 years I spent a lot of time just gridding my teeth, acting hunky dory, isolating myself or numbing myself by being excessive with work, travel, sex and eventually cannabis.

Truth is, life on the fast lane runs you out. I’ve crashed and burned myself out so many times, I stopped counting many years ago. Years later, I now know and recognize it when I’m trying to cover up pain or hurt with other stuff. I’ve had my fair share, no more pride nor shame to hide hurt. When I’m down, I’m down. The quicker I acknowledge this, the quicker I recover and get back up.

Life-long question that I’m wondering about: when do you consider yourself just tired after a bumpy ride, or just having some bluesy downtime, and when do you really consider it a Depression?