Saying no...
I've been awake since a little after 6am attempting to deal with the mess pending in my room. Did a little and decided to arrranged my room because its in total mess, with cloths littering every corner of the room after washing the previous day.For some weird reason, I have chosen to ditch the comfort of my duvet for the beautiful and comforting cool breeze the rain is providing outside,then the thought of a friend came to my mind.He was a friend since my school days(university) he's in the kind of place you won’t wish your worst enemy to be. There was a time in his life when so much was going awry and he seemed completely helpless, but i try to support him in the little way i could ,give him food foodstuffs and some times small cash.The young man had so much potential, I worried that the weight of his troubles would lead him to suicide if he was left alone long enough to consider it.
Time passed, Life took a new turn for the betterment of my friend. I felt relieved and genuinely proud that he found the strength to weather the storm. Every time I called to check up on him I found him in one Problem or the other. One day he asked, how do you know when to call when I’m in trouble? I thought it was interesting that I did. Bigger levels, bigger problem I suppose; ‘cos from petty cash and transport money, he started asking for huge sums; I gave him only what I have and when I could. While he didn’t exactly repay when he said he would.
Then one day, I found myself in a place, I cannot remember what for but I was desperate. I called him. After the usual pleasantries I dove in. I told him I called because I needed help. He came to my mind and I thought to ask. Just as I was about to make my case, he asked if he could call me back. I said okay.
And then I got a text from him. It essentially said; we’ve all got issues. I’m dealing with problems just the same way you are. And he ended with - sorry, I cannot help you.
There are no words in the world to describe how I felt when I read his text. I can’t remember experiencing anything so unfeeling, so cold, so I could deal with being told no but I had not anticipated getting such a response before I had the opportunity to make my case and definitely not from him. I was heartbroken. All I could do was stare at my phone and say wow over and over again.
About a year or so after, we met at an event. We exchanged pleasantries. While I looked at him, he looked at some point between my brow and ear, never meeting my eyes. It was clear that whatever problem I had at the time had been sorted out, but there he was, like a worm in salt water. He had the rest of his life to live with himself knowing what he had done and to whom he had done it. I felt sorry for him.
Except you beg for a living, asking for help is a nerve-wracking activity. To do it, there are so many mental hurdles to cross or at least be at peace with – Your rep, credibility, what to say, how to say it, who to reach out to and whether you should; when, what he/she would think of you… To ask for help, you fight shame; you damn it. For anyone who gets past all of these hurdles and reaches out, the least they deserve is empathy.
Be amused, angry, irritated, sad or happy that they called you but please remember to show some empathy. And if you are not the solution to their problem, how you say no is very important. Anyone who reaches out to you for help is either broken or getting there fast. Say no but be kind, say a prayer, give a hug, a smile, a word of encouragement, a pat on the back.
Say no but don’t shut the door, leave it wide enough for light to shine through, because sometimes all that helps them get through is the feeling that they are not alone. It costs you nothing. The difference it makes is EVERYTHING.