Expectations always hurt
Hello, hello my dear people.
What is trust?
How can I know who to cut off and with who to be patient?
Like I previously said in some of my stories, I have a few trauma in my life that has given me anger issues, anxiety attacks, sever repugnance for shitheads, and so on, but every single time, I've tried to rebuild my life from within, and release my bottled up emotions. I'm aware that all of these "lessons" made me somehow stronger, and anger is a defense mechanism that pumps out every time I'm hurt, but nowadays I prefer to be alone than having people around me who don't deserve my friendship, my trust or my loyalty. I keep on saying that I haven't lost hope or faith, but yet I don't seem to connect with so many people anymore. Besides my family and a couple of best friends that I have left, I spend more and more time by myself, in my own company, trying to figure out who I am.
In the past, so many times I've refused to have an honest conversation with some of my friends about things that made me angry or worried regarding their behavior or mine just because I was afraid they would not have understood me in those very moments of extreme or intense judgment. Probably was for the best to mention them, or not. Now it is too late to repair some relationships. Many chapters in my life had come to an end, and many others will be rewritten or renewed.
Nevertheless, people change over time. I am not the same person I used to be, and many things had become intolerable for me, and guess what! In some situations where I'd usually battled and aimed at mutual understanding across differences, I choose to stay silent. My therapist said that I've finally managed to take "the pill for insensibility," and make my needs a priority. She said that I don't depend on the people around me to give myself a sense of belonging and that I've understood that friendships may grow in parallel, closer or apart.
...Just saying that I'm finally learning how to live without certain people, mostly friends, and I've finally accepted the fact that is nobody obligated to me but me. When things that previously magnetized me to my friends no longer exist, I move on because the connection with them is dissipating. It took me a long time to do this and to be more precise, it took me fucking 33 years, and loads of thinking, suffering, crying, but I've finally learned how to trust more my gut and be guided by my intuition. My subconscious is tired of getting hurt over and over again, and it activated my most bitchy side to stop feeling hurt, or, who knows, maybe it's just a phase. I still have to figure out!
Until now, I've always said what I think smoothly, so people won't think I am a mean person, even though that wasn't exactly how I felt at that moment. I've always tried to be calm and rational in some shit situations when I suppose to go crazy. Why?! Maybe because even though I didn't want to admit to myself that I was scared of loneliness, that feeling was deeply hiding inside me! Because I've loved certain people so much that I've allowed them to use me for their benefits. Or, perhaps, just because so many times I've said it, and out loud, that I've achieved balance it was to convince myself that is true and not my imagination who supposedly made me stronger against pain and frustration. Not anymore! I'm sick and tired of trying to fit in the mold others have created for me or trying to be someone else that I am not just to please some people around me! It is ME TIME, and I am not going to be nice with people who don't give a shit about me!
Stay strong, stay focus, never lose faith, keep on fighting until you discover who you are, and what you like!
Luv, M.