Missing my mom

It's been a while since my last post.

Today is August 9. It is my mother's death anniversary. She has been gone for 9 years now. But the memories of the past keep coming back to me.

My mom died of breast cancer in 2009. It was so quick. We were just in Boracay in March 2009. (See my vlog about it here... https://steemit.com/teardrops/@princesslilo/boracay-and-my-mom) She felt tired and in pain in April; bedridden in May; fought cancer for barely 5 months until she lost in August.

I can still remember a week before she passed away, she was showing signs of recovery. My brother who had been gone in Europe for 10 years came back to the Philippines that time. I believe my mom just gave my brother some time to catch up before she left.

The night before my mom's passing, she acted up. I remember getting pissed off at her because she kept fidgeting and removing her feeding tube. At that time, I was working at the courts, taking my certificate course online, and had youth duties at my spiritual organization. My salary was all spent for buying my mom's needs: her milk, diapers, and oxygen, among others. I looked at her sharply as I was at my wit's end. In my head, I was asking her to please don't make it more difficult for me as I washed the dishes. I was thinking how much longer I can take it, if my salary will stretch out for what she needed.

But then, I felt guilty and apologized because it must be more difficult for her, going through so much pain. I thought, I didn't care if I spent my last centavo or if I have to sell everything I have just to make it through. She's my mom after all. I realized that all the riches didn't matter at that point, all I wanted was my mom to be happy. I wished that a miracle would happen and she would get better soon.

My brother gave her some sleeping pills and she finally slept soundly. The next day, I had to leave for a ceremony at our church that morning. I had not eaten anything until the afternoon so as I went home, I bought some "isaw" or chicken/pig intestines. It was all I could afford as I was saving my money for my mom. My mom was still sleeping ever so soundly and I felt at peace looking at her. Though with feeding tubes and no bath, she was still so beautiful. I was getting my food ready when my sister who passed by noticed that my mom was not breathing anymore.

There was chaos. My siblings called the ambulance, my aunt who was a doctor came to resuscitate her, and even my uncle and others came to watch the spectacle as well. In the midst of the chaos, I still managed to eat my isaw, being the emotional eater that I was. I gulped down my food like a monster. I could see how painful it must be as my aunt was recklessly pumping her chest to revive her. In my head, I was talking to my mom, "It is okay mom, we will be alright, you can go if you wish to." The ambulance came and eventually she was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.

Although I knew that she would be gone any moment, nothing can really prepare you when you lose a loved one, especially a parent. When my dad died in a flashflood car accident, I thought it would have been better if it was not that sudden. But when my mom died, not as sudden as my dad, I cannot say it was better. But maybe better in the sense of closure as I was able to say "goodbye" and "I love you" to my mom, something I regret not having been able to say to my dad. They say it gets better, but it never does. You just get better at coping or numbing yourself or pretending all is well. I still miss my parents.

Looking back, there was an instance when my mom got a bit better, all of us siblings were complete and sitting around her, making jokes to try to make her laugh. I remember how happy and peaceful I felt, all of us smiling and laughing. I was deeply pondering how humankind has been searching for true happiness or for an image of heaven/peace on earth. I felt heaven right at that moment. True happiness and peace on earth are both within reach after all. No amount of money can buy that moment as well.

I keep saying this to those who still have their parents, love them and make them happy. You never know if you will still have the chance later on.

Thanks for reading, upvoting and resteeming!