The Life of a CORPER. (A must Read) funny!
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After four years or more in the University (in Nigeria), graduates below 30 years are expecting to go for the National Youth Service Corp (NYSC), where the spend 3 weeks at the Orientation camp and 10 months serving the Nation.
This started after the CIVIL WAR the country experienced.
After or During the service period, every Corper have a story to tell.
This is the Story of a Corper; still servicing.
Happy Reading
In this country sometimes to get things done, you need to put aside being gentle and summon your inner "yabaleft" patient. After all even the Good book says, "the violent take it by force". I learnt this from my friend, Baba Tee.
We were corpers and had just left NYSC camp, after 3 weeks of being more oriented with the drink vendors at Mami market than anything else. Towards the end of two weeks,(unless you came to camp with "otedola-like" fund) you must have spent most of your money.
Even worse, if you found love in camp, you will be buying everything in two's.
Thunder fire you if you crush na foreign students wey dey eat only Chicken and Chip, shawarma and drinks only cocktail. 1 week you don dey beg for 3k. Lol
As it's custom, towards the end of week 3, NYSC pays you your first #19,800.
Money that should help you through your first month after camp until your next allowee comes.
But when the raw cash hits some Unfortunate hand, *Kelly Handsome's * "maga don pay" become the anthem.
Leaving camp and was posted to Adavi, unlike some person who were posted to place your will think they wronged NYSC in their former life. Lol
If you know that getting a place to serve after being rejected is not God's will for anyone. It is stressful as HELL.
As a JJC (Johnny Just Come) in town, everyone is looking to swindle you of your (probably as they see it) #19,800 Million. Those who have lavished their's in camp are living from Hand to Mouth.
On the day we even had hand ooo
Month end seems like 40 years in the wilderness away. Eventually it reaches and brethren;
NO PAY
It was like; " wait a minute, E say what?!"
The government came on TV and said;
Errrrmmmm everyone should calm down, they are cash strapped.
Corpers were like;
See! Unstrap yourself or something is gonna happen right now. What's going on!?
Life was tough, we had to reduce to carry and fish; on credit for that matter. Tony even called like;
Ozytedola abeg reason me something light.
I'm like;
Will you f*ck off my phone! I don't have financial brain to reason anything. We are all in this together.
In the beginning it was garri and fish, then late just garri. Then later 0-0-1. We were accumulating debts and passing other streets because fish woman was vexing already for us.
Eventually,
Excuse me boss, you have a text message
Alerts started dropping in. Everyone was on funds. Except I and the main actor of this film; Taiwo, aka Baba Tee. Yoruba boy from Ilorin, with a loud, tout kinda voice, first in a family of 9.
In his words;
Danteeee! (He had a way of stretching my name then ending it abruptly) my people don wash hand for my matter. Na only me Dey help myself. Make dis money come make I Dey ok. Garri and fish don tire me. I don suffer for this NYSC.
Indeed he had. Trekking everyday to an office that was far away like the promise land from where we lived, siblings always calling and texting for money.
‘If dem pay now. Wetin u go first do’ I would ask.
“Ah!!! Danteboss!” He would say licking his lips 😋 “I go first enter that chicken republic for oke-ilewo go buy rice and shikin with big shifita jwice den Sidon near AC cool my conscience. Den enter sky pavilion order one big Udeme so that I go clear my white blood sells”
“Baba tee!” I would hail him as we roared with laughter
The alerts came at night and that sealed our sleeping fate. Even when I fell asleep I had a bad dream. Every corper I knew was making merry in sky pavilion drinking what looked like 1L Trophy bottles while we looked on outside, begging for arms like help us st Vincent de corpers.
“What if dem no pay you” I had joked before. His face contorting with rage, he replied “ah! Na die be that! I go scatter eferywia. I go enter newspaper.ANGRY CORPER SCATTERS KOGI. Ah! Dem no fit try am.
And guess what? They tried it
Saying we should go to our secretariat and find out why we weren’t paid. I baba tee and others with the same issue went to NYSC and after waiting another 2 hours we realised the problem wasn’t with them and our names had been sent for payment. Problem was with the bank
I woke up with a start and baba tee awake, asked me;
8am sharp next morning we follow dem open bank. The person attending to corpers waltzed in by 10.30, and was rude as can be. She shoved us away,
“Ah! Danteboss! Dante! This people want make I kill. Dem want make I shed blood. Ah! My sweat!” I tried calming him down. We realised there, that NYSC pays zenith and they send to whatever bank you’re to be paid, in our case Diamond bank.
Oya na Zenith bank here we come!
At Zenith bank, they gave us proof, a printed document to show that our money had been sent to diamond bank. At this point I couldn’t control Baba tee. He had entered raging tiger mode.
“Diamon! Diamon! Ah! Diamon!” He kept repeating all the way to the bank.
The electronic door had not even fully opened baba tee don start shout.
“Hoekay! Wawu! So it’s like this! Ah! Diamon! This is how you treat customers ni! My money! My sweat! You want to lick it! Ah! Why! Diamon!" He kept screaming at anybody and everyone in the bank.
The rude lady came to him like young man I thought.....
Baba cut her off. “Look at it” he threw the paper at her and after looking at it, she quietened.
“Young man relax she begged”
But he was beyond relaxing
He knelt at the center of the bank, “diamon! Plix my money”
One enthusiastic customer care said “sir you’re causing a scene. Please keep quiet”
Baba tee calmly walked towards her, closed her laptop and disconnected it.
Rude lady was saying sir please relax I beg you please. Tomorrow.
Baba tee replied "madam, I beg you too my money now!"
She decided to try being rude again to hush him. Baba tee looked her eyeball to eyeball,
“you wantu shout. For my money.lizzen! It wee not pass today. It will not pass what? He said looking at me.
Today I replied my brother. No be hype man I be? Today please today!
Then she somehow persuaded Baba Tee, to accept the tomorrow’s offer. “Look at that office” she said in a still small voice. “See those guys on the computers. They’re working tirelessly on this issue. Just in fact drop your numbers. This night you’ll receive an SMS with your alert."
The ruckus attracted the attention of the manager. Baba T had even intimated the security guy who wouldn’t want to roughen a 'government pikin’ as corpers are regarded.
The manager took us to her office, and damn that woman was persuasive. First gave us chilled water to drink
We cast our eyes at the office and they really looked like people working on our issue.
In fact she said, write your numbers specially for me here.
"Tonight o," baba Tee said
"Tonight!" She assured
Make I no look useless, I also asked "tonight ba?" . Tonight she replied.
Oya na! We left. Borrowed money from the people who were rich. Passed the Garri and fish place, looking at it with scorn like see food of people still in Egypt. That night we ate indomie, sardine and egg and orobo coke. We slept and woke up and there was an SMS on Baba Tee’s phone 😏
Before opening it, Baba smiled. A wide smile that had germinated from deep within his heart. ‘'danteboss!'’ He hailed me, and then went on to open his SMS and that’s when he saw the content;
PLEASE CALL ME
From his younger brother.
He looked at it like what? Akant believe it 😦
The smile washed away. He quickly bathed and headed out furious, as if for war. Bike had hardly stopped in front of the bank, Baba had jumped down.
As the door revolved open, Baba don begin shout.
“Deciefers! Liars! Lions! Ah! So this is it abi ah! Today! We will die!”
Once we stormed the managers office, she knew she had messed up.
“Relax corpers I can explain” she said
“No no no! Ah! You deceive me! One customer bank abi! I will close everywhere and be the only customer today! Ah! No explanation o”
Stretching his hand “my money” he said💁🏾♂
Baba Tee went to the customer care, banged her laptop close, held it underneath his arm, screaming as we headed for the manager’s office. “You people want to eat my sweat”
"Yes! Your sweat I" replied. As the able hype man that I was.
“God forbid” he continued
Relax you’ll get the money she said.
No! That’s what you say yesterday. "Isn’t it Dante," he turned to me.
It is so. I replied loudly.🗣
“You say SMS and I see. Ah! I see! Please call me. Ah!!!!! Kill me! My sweat my money o.” 😤
Another staff entered the office and was side eyeing Baba tee. He entered her.
“Why are you looking at me. Is it your money? Don’t you get your salary? You’re eyeing me. Do you know how I’m surviving? Look me again and I’ll chook my hand Inside and chop it like Garri and fish”
The staff maintained, and cast her eyes elsewhere. The manager saw that there was no tomorrow. She walked out, went to the adjacent office, came back and gave us a paper telling us to take it to the counter.
We did, teller girl looked at it and was delaying.
Baba tee entered her like do you want me to press the computer for you? Maifren pay me before I climb here and remove my cloth so you people will see full madness.
In no time,
shrrrrrr! Raw cash no sauce no ketchup hit our hands. Baba tee broke into a wry smile 😊😏
Baba Tee looked at me like '‘danteboss! Ah! Dante! Food is good, money is best! My navs are fully relaxed". Looking at him, you’ll never tell few hours before, he had almost run naked in a bank. From there I went to a hotel, where my then GF was waiting for me, for mekwe! Amem?
We had almost reached the door, when he turned around “let me tell you people. If I come here in June and there’s still problem. You people will see wahala”
We took a bike to chicken republic to fulfill his dreams, and then went to sky pavilion where as the udeme hit his gullet.
LESSON
From this I learnt, that sometimes just sometimes, you need to lose your home training to get things out of certain institutions, and only God keeps promises man, banks can fail. But most importantly that money, money! Relaxes the nerves.