Tales From the Table II: More Hilarious Dungeons & Dragons Stories

Having a Ball

The party was tasked with an unorthodox mission: steal a very important necklace from a baron's daughter at an annual ball hosted at the baron's manner. Perfect opportunity for the charismatic rogue and clever wizard to be the stars of the show. Not such a good opportunity for the devious fighter and dimwitted barbarian. The rogue and wizard have no problem sneaking into the ball and blending in with the crowd, but the swordswingers are left outside with the instructions to only enter if it becomes obvious that there is trouble. Of course this is too boring for the pair, so they wander around the manor looking for an alternative entrance. They just so happen to find one, but it's locked. The fighter/alchemist wannabe uses a very potent acid to eat through the door hinges. The two now find themselves in a large pantry. On the opposite wall is an open doorway leading into the kitchen. Smells of roasted duck, pork, and all sorts of exotic fruit fill the air. Such a feast simply cannot go unmolested in the presence of our two anti-heros. They make their way into the kitchen and begin dining upon the feast. Not 1 minute into the plunder, a cook enters the kitchen with a horrified look on his face. Before he can scream, the barbarian shoves an entire roast duck down his throat, simultaneously breaking his trachea and suffocating him. As this is happening, another cook walks in, turns and runs. The fighter and barbarian chase him into the main ball room, where near 100 people are dancing and socializing. There is an awkward pause before a woman screams, and the two begin slashing through everybody in the room. The guards stay to fight, but most run for their lives. From the second story, the wizard screams What the hell!? He is not amused, but he casts a fireball to prevent anyone from escaping and causing further troubles. Through all of the slaughter and mayhem, the rogue is not seen. When everyone lay on the ground, and the manor is in flames, the rogue comes out of the baron's daughter's bedchambers with the necklace. He takes one look at the fighter and the barbarian and says, "You had one job."

Fortunate Son

The party was on a mission to find the portal to the abyss. This took them to the ruins of an underground kingdom.
Of course before they can reach it, they're going to have to cross a very narrow bridge over a ravine of infinite darkness. Think Indiana Jones going for the holy grail

So the party goes single file down this bridge, praying nothing decides to attack us in this most vulnerable time. Of course that's not the case. A group of harpies come screeching at the party. Everyone starts running across the bridge so they can fight on more stable footing. The entire party makes it across, well almost. See, the ranger had a pet hyena named Mittens. Mittens was too skittish to run across the bridge. The ranger screams at mittens to come to him, and the hyena begins carefully making its way over, when 3 of the harpies swoop down on it. Now, it's important to note that we like to use music when we play D&D. Generally its the kind of stuff you would expect to hear in movies when a battle is taking place, and that was true at this moment, but as the three harpies pushed Mittens into an abyss of infinite blackness, the song Fortunate Son starts to play, and we all give a salute to the fallen hyena, whom would die of dehydration before ever hitting the bottom.