Please stop lovin' me.

Please stop loving me.

Why do you love me?
What can I possibly give you that you want to love me?
Why would you want to love me?

How can you look at this dirty old broken vase and love it without end?
How can someone like you even love me?
Why would you want to hold my hand and tell me that you love me; something like me?
Please stop loving me.
Stop it. Stop it I say.
I don't want you to love me.

I've got nothing to offer you except pain.
A very deep unending pain.
Pain that never ceases.
I. don't. want. you. to. love. me.

Who am I that I deserve all this love and tenderness from the one who I've constantly failed my whole darned life?
No, please.
You can't possibly love me!

What did I do to deserve this love? (cries)
I don't approve of this love!
I don't want your love.

I want to end this right now.
I'm a mess.
And dear creator, I truly feel like I've been a waste of your resources.
You seriously shouldn't have spent all your energy on a fool like me.
A narcissistic fool with no ambition.
A harlot and a selfish piece of shit.
A total failure that can't achieve anything!

So, I beg you. (palms pressed together in a praying like fashion)
I don't want to see that you love me.
And that too, so passionately.
I want to pretend that you don't love me.
But I can't help but see it.
That I don't hear those comforting words you tell me in my lowest moments.
That… you care about me.

Oh,
I deserve to die!
I just want to die!
But I can't just end my life like that.
When I think of those who are counting on me, I can't just end my life.
Just like you, they also love me too much
Ohhh! (wails)

I've failed them!
I've failed them!
I've failed all of ‘em!!

On those days,
Those days which are really everyday,
I tell myself I'm strong but really I'm weak as a piece of toothpick.
I tell myself that I can do whatever I want,
I have a choice. To do or not to do.
Yeah, roll with that.

But still,
I end up doing what I don't want to do.
Pretty awesome, right?
The obstacle is the way, said my once favorite writer.
Yes indeed, it is the way.

I look at the supposed way and abandon it. (incompetent!)
You don't need motivation another book says, but you just need systems.
Okay?!
So I just need systems + challenges.
Yes, I'm sorted out.
But right then, my husband shows up.
He reminds me every single day how unworthy I am and how disgusting I am.
First, I try to ward him off with all the positive thoughts my mind can come up with.
But then, is he wrong in the first place?
Am I… worthy of anything?
Can I…. do anything?
Can I even….. achieve a single thing?
Can I start— even very small… in this economy?
In this education system??
You have got to be kidding me.

But then, it's just laziness.
Or is it depression?
(laughs) Is that an excuse?
O my, Elise, just shut up!

Fine.
I'm quiet.

You. Elise.
Are just looking for attention.
You're not depressed.
How could you do this to your poor family?
You're so lazy and incompetent.

I don't want to do anything.
I… really don't want to do anything.
But I really want… something,
Something, for my loved ones.
Something for that person who cares about this shit talking right now.
But I don't do anything about it.

Okay, maybe you're burnt out.
Burnt out? For almost two years?
Wow.
Oh sorry, almost five years?
That's a lot of shit wrong with you.

Then, I guess you're just… lazy?

Alright.
I get it. I am.
I don't have the strength to move forward.
Every step I take, seems like a giant boulder hanging from my neck.
Every step to take after, seems like twice the weight.
It is difficult.
And it is hard to accept that it's difficult and possible.
Cause all I see is impossibility.
But if I have to move forward, I have to accept it.
And… I don't know.
I hate myself for it.
And I know that.
That feeling has always been here since I've known how to say good morning,

But, let's talk about something else.

So, dear therapist…
Are you still— listening?

My gosh, do I need a therapist now?
Absolutely not.

(sighs)

Like I said,
I don't want you to love me.
I want you to stop loving me.
But I see that all my efforts are in vain.
You are unfazed and unshaked.
I can't deal properly with the fact you love a hopeless person like me!
Please— just stop it.

I can't achieve anything.
Don't you get that?
I only keep getting worse and worse.
Others are more qualified than me.
What am I doing with my whole life…

Can you see… what I see?
You don't…
But really— (breaths deeply)
Please.

I want to be positive.
I want to be happy. Or do I?
I don't want to be happy.
I don't have the strength to do what successful people do.
And, I am incapable.

So… (wipes tears away)
Twenty one pilots didn't work out this time.
I don't even know if I wanna be a clique anymore.
It's just— (sighs)

So I'll give this a try. (pauses)

July till December.
A new tryout on my life.
My life for my family.
Putting in the effort for them.
I'm incapable, yes,
But I'll certainly put in the hardwork for them,
It's difficult.
It's really difficult.
And I can't possibly seem to find a reason to believe it's possible.
I've failed them too many times.
And they don't deserve a loser like me,
But… I don't know.
I love them.
And I'm willing to just give these six months to them.

If after these six months, nothing changes.
Then something would have to change.
Then You'll certainly have to stop loving me.
I'll make a new decision.
An irreversible one.
Something I haven't done before.
And I'll tell you when the time comes.

While I ponder under the safe comfort of the bottom of my bunk bed, the world still remains ever beautiful. An elegant moon, is busy enchanting the night with it's dazzling presence, submerged in a dense sea of faithful stars, surrounded by the clouds on a never ending pilgrimage.

The trees would still dance to the harmonious melodies the winds produce. And it wouldn't fail to feed it's hardworking and voyaging inhabitants, the ants and small animals, who find refuge in them.

The world would still be beautiful, as You intended it to be.

Even though, I've lost all faith in myself, there'll still be life. I tell myself that you don't know your purpose until you start working on something. And if you don't do anything, you'll still feel purposeless.

I want You to stop loving me, but I can't help but fall right back for You, as you have refused to give up on me. I guess, you really are in love with distasteful fellows like me, huh? I'm sorry, I can't love you the way you love me.

I guess, I just need time. (scratches head)

Time.

Time.

I will grow up. I should.

Image by: [email protected] from Pixabay)