Unknowable

"Fucked up life", says a character from an old Bulgarian film that tells a sad story about the life of Bulgarians in the 1930s. I can't even believe they ever looked as modern, if at all, almost like in Paris or London, but still life was hard for the majority of the population. Same as now. It's as if almost nothing has changed, only the times are different.

A few days ago a news appeared in my feed with the headline that a young man threw himself under a train and died and the comments under the article were: many young people have started killing themselves living in these "wonderful" living conditions that we find ourselves in.
In my head is always the image of a girl, a young woman who, because of unemployment in her hometown, the city where I studied in high school, was literally ruined. She had put on an incredible amount of weight due to eating low-quality and cheap food, being constantly under the stress of lack of money, her teeth were also in a terrible state because she could not afford a visit to the dentist. This case had shocked me a lot at the time. On the one hand, because I know well the city in which this girl is located and has such problems. On the other hand - well, I'm in the same position as her. How long will I last like this? When will I go crazy, when will I get sick, when will I have a total breakdown so that it will be irreversible, irreparable, incurable...

Well, yes, I got sick. I couldn't hold on that long. The disease was more severe than usual, very long to treat, more than a month has already passed and I still haven't recovered. I am aware that this is a stress disorder. Healing is so difficult, almost impossible, because my circumstances have made me sick. And staying in these circumstances makes healing impossible. It's logical.
It's interesting how many difficult and unpleasant things in life are logical, but others are not at all. Such as this: He who seeks finds.
Well, he doesn't find it. I've been looking for years now. I'm already digging in a single, totally different direction and there's no going back, but will I succeed? Going alone to a foreign country, I constantly read about people being attacked and kidnapped, disappearances, murders, organ trafficking... Now these possibilities concern me so much that I want to know what my options are under Bulgarian legislation for disposal of my organs, don't laugh. On the other hand, I wonder if this is really what life is and should be, if it can't be something else. Why does it have to be so difficult, full of endless impossibilities?
One last try. Penultimate. Unless something happens to me in the process and I die.

A few days ago I wanted to write in a post how I feel. It's probably a good thing I didn't. I was going to ask if anyone knows what it's like to feel like you're going to explode, from everything that is happening and not happening, from all the unrealized things, dead dreams, even basic ones, from not understanding and having no idea what's going on. Kind of like this meme where there's only one "WTF" between birth and death.

I am no longer so melodramatic, I no longer ask questions, I no longer look for opportunities, I no longer complain. Someone here just recently named his post: souldetour's type rant. And maybe I should really stop complaining now that my posts are becoming proverbial. Not important that I'm scared to death and that I used the blockchain as an outlet, a place where, writing, I have the time to reflect and consider the situations, the causes, the consequences. A place where I reached my own conclusions, where I documented the events that made an impression on me and led me to certain conclusions.
There will certainly also be a period during which I will not be able to write. But I don't know when that will happen. Anyway, I don't know anything yet. Because life is unknowable... I just thought I made up a new word, but it turns out it does exist. But I'm probably the only one using it. Because that's my life. Unknowable.

Thank you for your time! Copyright:	@soulsdetour
	Soul's Detour is a project started by me years ago when I had a blog about historical and not so popular tourist destinations in Eastern Belgium, West Germany and Luxembourg. Nowadays, this blog no longer exists, but I'm still here - passionate about architecture, art and mysteries and eager to share my discoveries and point of view with you.

Personally, I am a sensitive soul with a strong sense of justice.
Traveling and photography are my greatest passions.
Sounds trivial to you?
No, it's not trivial. Because I still love to travel to not so famous destinations.🗺️
Of course, the current situation does not allow me to do this, but I still find a way to satisfy my hunger for knowledge, new places, beauty and art.
Sometimes you can find the most amazing things even in the backyard of your house.😊🧐🧭|