You’re not badass and neither is your company

I didn’t start looking at looking at programmer job ads until 2006 or so. Or maybe earlier, but then that could’ve been in the era where adults still ran businesses.

Anyway, whether or not it was sooner or later, I didn’t see it until 2006 or 2007. I’ve had a handful of tech jobs, and up until 2015, I — just out of curiosity, of course — would look up jobs, and find a slew of cringe-inducing, popped-collar, dudebro, snarky, nuh-uh girl, Delta Upsilon Mu, aneurysm-inducing job descriptions. They usually go like this:

Douche & Co. is looking for a BADASS, Growth Hacking Ninja!

Yeah, you’re sitting at a dusty cube watching the clock hit 5 so you can go home and brighten your day with a little GoT after doing the same BORING work.

Well, Douche & Co. is totes not boring, and if you’re looking for some FUN work, come work with us! If you’re not into being a super-cool, hipster NINJA, stop reading right here.

Now, this job is lots of fun, as I’m sure you always take the word of anonymous strangers who have a personal interest in having you believe them. Nerf gun fights? Yeah. Margarita machines on FRIDAYS? You betcha! Air hockey and Friday afternoon bowling? That’s right!

So, I know it sounds awesome, right? But what you’ll be doing is just as orgasmic!

We’re looking for a Growth Hacker — somebody who can

• Create online marketing campaigns on whatever tools we use
• Be adept at using the = sign in Excel Be badass at data analytics!
• Research different trends
• Chit-chat about Game of Thrones (lol, I know it’s Feb, but winter’s still coming!)

Don’t email us if you can’t do these things! (Seriously!) We believe in learning & education, but we’re only looking for ninjas right now — sorry!

Now, you’ll be compensated handsomely ($25K with benefits — and by “benefits,” we mean, “We give you the benefit of going to the doctor during work hours without docking pay.”), and you’ll be around a great team of people! I mean, these people are so rad they talk about the 1987 Ninja Turtles cartoon still and wear Darkwing Duck t-shirts! Because, it’s unfathomable that people who grew up watching wildly popular cartoon series would talk about them!

Punching up the awesomeness burn throttle, we’ve got a sweet office downtown with a great view — and we got stocked fridges (That’s right — 2!) and pumpkin spice (aka cinnamon) lattes! We even validate your parking!

What we’re saying here is, you’re not working from home. Like, ever. In fact, you won’t even be going home until 8pm. If you’re looking for a place where you can work and go home to mind your own business, this is not the place for you. Serious NINJAS only.

So, are you ready to kick some ass with us? (We cussed! We’re awesome!) Then, to show you want this $25K/year before taxes job as a NINJA, please

• Fill out our application
• Make a professionally-edited, recorded, and scripted video about why you want to work for an awesome place like this
• Tell us about your favorite Spongebob episode
• Put your spirit animal in the “Subject:” field (that doesn’t exist)

Then, if we think you’re badass enough, we’ll set up and interview with you.

We look forward to hearing from you!

The ability for people to esteem their company and someone else’s job to the point I curse myself for my ability to understand human language never ceases to amaze me. (Or, it’s amaze-balls lol!) I can only imagine the generational progression of job applications:

• My grandparents applied for jobs by walking into a place with a resume and giving it to a manager.
• My parents faxed in resumes and called about jobs.
• I talk about my favorite episode in a children’s show. (Spoilers: The answer is “whatever episode I don’t have to watch.”)

Here’s the thing: I get maybe you jumped on a great opportunity, or, more likely, you built the company, so you’d never admit to running a toxic company where you get to waste company money at Coushatta (or Vegas). But it’s the candidate’s decision as to whether or not you’re worth working for.

A senior-level candidate is 95% likely to be either indifferent or apathetic to anything your office has, and they’ll decide if your team is “great.” And for $25K, it’s a safe bet they’ll assume you and your team are anything but.

What people — especially senior-level people — really want to know is if they’ll work on interesting projects, if the people seem competent, if it meets the list of requirements they’ve gathered over the years, and if it’s a fair exchange.

(If you’re hiring in San Antonio, this also means people don’t want to work somewhere that requires 10+ years experience in everything but only pays $70K/year and being on-site is mandatory.)

A company that tries really hard to sound cool reminds us of being a teenager. And last time I checked, we’re not. I like having my own place, sleeping when I want, and not having to go to the back seat of my ’04 Toyota Corolla to have sex.

The defense for this type of frivolity is basically that company culture is important, and employers need to ensure the candidate is a “culture fit.”

This is the convenient excuse for “I don’t like the candidate,” but let’s be real — you can’t tell from an application. No matter how personalized a video interview may be, it’s a guess at best and an assumption at worst.

On the other side of the coin, the candidate has no real way to determine if they like your culture. But if you write job descriptions like the one I wrote, I assure you a description like that will have good people avoiding you like a diabetic avoids yeast rolls.

You want to know how you can get good and willing people? People that will be willing to put in the extra effort? (Besides paying at least 3x more.) Do what you expect of your candidates.

Nowadays, we have — for better or worse (usually worse) — personal brands. That doesn’t mean your company is exempt from having a brand. You have to put in the work just like we do.

No, that doesn’t mean carefully-edited videos that give an appearance of fun. It means talking (within reason) about what you’re up to, your accomplishments, your goals, your values. It can be hard when you’re small, especially for a one-person team, but in an era where we feel entitled to information, this door swings both ways.

This kind of stuff she also come spontaneously from employees, too. Trust me, when you do this, you’ll have all sorts of people spamming you their contact info in LinkedIn comments.

Look, I know people will say that if these obnoxious job descriptions didn’t work, nobody would do them. And, I’d also add that most of the time, inexperienced people with the “right” attitude would probably get the job than experienced people (who probably won’t have the “right” attitude).

But when those inexperienced, “right” attitude people quit your company a year later, they’ll know better next time.