My boyfriend doesn’t think I am that beautiful and it makes me angry and jealous. How can I ease my feelings?

Excerpt: Lack of Self worth is a repeating issue for many. Especially in our era, influenced by media, peers and even our own relatives, we constantly judge ourselves. When this judgment is reflected back to us from a loved one, the pain is seventh fold. In this Q&A post I explain the causes and how to get over it.

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Hi,

My question relates to the way I look.

I am 30 years old and have had several romantic relationships in my life in which I felt admired as the most beautiful woman in the world. Although objectively I am probably not, every lover I have had thought that I was beautiful and even stunning and often mentioned it to me. My current boyfriend, however, is extremely honest and straightforward and thinks that I am ”only” good-looking; not beautiful. He explained that there is a ladder of several degrees: stunning, beautiful, good-looking, average and ugly. And he doesn’t understand why I feel bad each time I hear him say I am just “good looking”.

He once shared a flat with a woman who worked as a hostess in Japan; he fancied but was rejected by her. He once told me - again, thanks to his excessive honesty - that he thinks she is more beautiful than I am but would never get involved in a romantic or sexual relationship with her because he loves me and wants to be with me.

And although he prefers to be with me I still feel very sad, almost tearful, whenever her name is mentioned. How do I get rid of these jealous emotions and this inferiority complex?

Alexa

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Dear Alexa,

You have given the answer in youruestion itself.

For years you have received reassurance about your identity which mostly revolved around your physical appearance. This reinforcement was, in itself, appropriate as it helped to build the self-esteem of the young girl that you were. Your Ego is a vital element of your larger identity and is the part that has to deal with reality, and such positive comments helped it to grow and stabilize. The focus of your identity, therefore, stemmed from your beauty, from the influence it had on the people close to you and from the responses it created.

It is only natural now that your ego would be wounded because of any affront regarding its identity (“you are not beautiful, just good looking” ). When such harm comes from a beloved - your spouse – the conflict is greater and torments you. To solve the inner dilemma you justify the insult by glorifying the insulter (“he is extremely honest ”). That way your ego feels some peace. Your inner being knows, however, that something still isn’t working well.

Anyhow, let’s put aside your boyfriend’s behavior and the question of whether or not it is wise to place people on a scale of a subjective characteristic like beauty. Let’s focus on you.

You want to get rid of those lousy feelings and to successfully handle any comparisons that may come in the future. You wish to remain calm and balanced in the company of others, who are more or less beautiful than you are, if such a thing really can be measured. The solution, then, is to change the source, the focus, from which you derive your self-esteem and identity.

You are no longer a child who needs constant psychological reassurance from your environment in order to cope with reality. You must find the deeper source, your true essence, which constantly (even now) sustains your body, your emotions, your thoughts and being. This is your True Self. This is the purpose of your entire journey and you cannot escape it.

So ask yourself Alexa, who are you? Are you the skin that covers the flesh? Are you the face that you see in the mirror? Are you the thoughts or emotions that pass through you? Are you all of that together? Or perhaps you are more than what you currently perceive of yourself let alone what meets the eye?! This is something for you to discover.

When you begin the inner journey towards your true identity the Ego will rebel strongly and create stimulating situations to scare you. More opportunities than ever before will manifest in your life to allegedly prove that you cannot possibly live without your physical beauty. You will feel that your physical appearance is being criticized more than ever and that you are no longer as desirable and attractive as before. Don’t succumb to this illusion, however. Talk to your ego and explain that although it is a vital part of your whole psyche, you are embarking on a journey to disclose the other parts. Relax your ego and it will understand that you aren’t abandoning it but merely changing your focus of attention.

In conclusion: The more you explore the Self that you are, the easier it will be to expose your true identity; consequently you will feel wonderful about yourself no matter what others may tell you or what gossip goes on behind your back. You will realize that you are beautiful and loved all the time by the most important essence of the universe - you! Such realization will allow you to soar to places of leadership and mastery and be a role model to many other women in the world.

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