My boyfriend doesn’t think I am that beautiful and it makes me angry and jealous. How can I ease my feelings?

in #spiritual7 years ago
Excerpt: Lack of Self worth is a repeating issue for many. Especially in our era, influenced by media, peers and even our own relatives, we constantly judge ourselves. When this judgment is reflected back to us from a loved one, the pain is seventh fold. In this Q&A post I explain the causes and how to get over it.


Hi,

My question relates to the way I look.

I am 30 years old and have had several romantic relationships in my life in which I felt admired as the most beautiful woman in the world. Although objectively I am probably not, every lover I have had thought that I was beautiful and even stunning and often mentioned it to me. My current boyfriend, however, is extremely honest and straightforward and thinks that I am ”only” good-looking; not beautiful. He explained that there is a ladder of several degrees: stunning, beautiful, good-looking, average and ugly. And he doesn’t understand why I feel bad each time I hear him say I am just “good looking”.

He once shared a flat with a woman who worked as a hostess in Japan; he fancied but was rejected by her. He once told me - again, thanks to his excessive honesty - that he thinks she is more beautiful than I am but would never get involved in a romantic or sexual relationship with her because he loves me and wants to be with me.

And although he prefers to be with me I still feel very sad, almost tearful, whenever her name is mentioned. How do I get rid of these jealous emotions and this inferiority complex?

Alexa


Dear Alexa,

You have given the answer in youruestion itself.

For years you have received reassurance about your identity which mostly revolved around your physical appearance. This reinforcement was, in itself, appropriate as it helped to build the self-esteem of the young girl that you were. Your Ego is a vital element of your larger identity and is the part that has to deal with reality, and such positive comments helped it to grow and stabilize. The focus of your identity, therefore, stemmed from your beauty, from the influence it had on the people close to you and from the responses it created.

It is only natural now that your ego would be wounded because of any affront regarding its identity (“you are not beautiful, just good looking” ). When such harm comes from a beloved - your spouse – the conflict is greater and torments you. To solve the inner dilemma you justify the insult by glorifying the insulter (“he is extremely honest ”). That way your ego feels some peace. Your inner being knows, however, that something still isn’t working well.

Anyhow, let’s put aside your boyfriend’s behavior and the question of whether or not it is wise to place people on a scale of a subjective characteristic like beauty. Let’s focus on you.

You want to get rid of those lousy feelings and to successfully handle any comparisons that may come in the future. You wish to remain calm and balanced in the company of others, who are more or less beautiful than you are, if such a thing really can be measured. The solution, then, is to change the source, the focus, from which you derive your self-esteem and identity.

You are no longer a child who needs constant psychological reassurance from your environment in order to cope with reality. You must find the deeper source, your true essence, which constantly (even now) sustains your body, your emotions, your thoughts and being. This is your True Self. This is the purpose of your entire journey and you cannot escape it.

So ask yourself Alexa, who are you? Are you the skin that covers the flesh? Are you the face that you see in the mirror? Are you the thoughts or emotions that pass through you? Are you all of that together? Or perhaps you are more than what you currently perceive of yourself let alone what meets the eye?! This is something for you to discover.

When you begin the inner journey towards your true identity the Ego will rebel strongly and create stimulating situations to scare you. More opportunities than ever before will manifest in your life to allegedly prove that you cannot possibly live without your physical beauty. You will feel that your physical appearance is being criticized more than ever and that you are no longer as desirable and attractive as before. Don’t succumb to this illusion, however. Talk to your ego and explain that although it is a vital part of your whole psyche, you are embarking on a journey to disclose the other parts. Relax your ego and it will understand that you aren’t abandoning it but merely changing your focus of attention.

In conclusion: The more you explore the Self that you are, the easier it will be to expose your true identity; consequently you will feel wonderful about yourself no matter what others may tell you or what gossip goes on behind your back. You will realize that you are beautiful and loved all the time by the most important essence of the universe - you! Such realization will allow you to soar to places of leadership and mastery and be a role model to many other women in the world.

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I understand the reason for focusing on the letter writer's personal reaction to this. The only thing she can control is her reaction and how it affects her. You gave really good advice in this regard.

But can we also mention that the boyfriend is an asshole? When someone says they are "extremely honest" it's code for I'm just going to say whatever I feel like without regard for your feelings. I can't make a full judgment here of the situation based on one incident, but this sort of behavior shows a big red flag to me. The fact that he seems to not understand when she tells him how this has made her feel shows really low empathy on his part.

Well, yes and no.
Some people raise the flag of honesty and being straight forward to an extreme. Add to that a serious lack of emotional intelligence and you get an "asshole"y type of behavior.
Nevertheless, it's not her job to change her boyfriend. The trick is to change herself and then decide whether to stay or not. Cause it's easy to blame the insensitive boyfriend and leave him, but in the next relationship she would encounter the same issue and from this point to the thought "all men are assholes" it's a short distance.😕
Thanks for your comment 👍

I agree, I think it's important to not generalize and gain the confidence to not allow these sort of slights to bother you. Personally though in my past I have swung too far in this direction. I spent a long time with someone who I thought I wanted to be with and tolerated her behavior. But I spent so much time focused on my own reactions that I missed the fact that really she was just treating me terribly.

So I agree, learn to handle the underlying feelings of self-worth and jealousy. But once you've done that take a look at whether or not you want to accept this sort of behavior in the relationship either.

It also might be a cultural thing too. I noticed in one of your other posts that you're Israeli. My sister's husband (she moved from the US to Israel) is sometimes a little too blunt for her too :P

Exactly. Do you see now how the time you spent in that abusive (my word) relationship was inevitable?! To learn what? The important, life changing, lesson of self love! Once you had that A-ha moment you left. On the spot. Looking backwards now you are puzzled that you had not left much earlier. Isn't that true?
And so, it always go back to the question, which you, what world.
About Israel - no comment. I'm biased 😉

Abusive is the appropriate word. I definitely learned a lot from it. Wish I would have listened to my friends more, guess that will teach me to be young and stubborn!

Thanks for your post, glad to be following you now!

Wow! amazing post and content. you are completely inspiring! :)

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you find it to your liking. 🌝