The Dreaded Friend Zone

If you’ve ever heard the words “Let’s just be friends,” you are about to enter another dimension; a dimension not only of loneliness and rejection but of shame, a journey into a wondrous land of pathos. You are about to enter…The Friend Zone. “Let’s just be friends” is a French phrase which translates to, “I will give you all the burden of being in a relationship with me, but none of the benefits.” Parisian women would say this to men who they would never fuck, but could always be depended on to buy dinner.

Relationship historian Victor Hugo documented one of the hardest friend zones in history in his classic case study: “The Hunchback of Notre-Dame.” Quasimodo was your classic loser who spent all his time jerking off to hentai porn down in the catacombs. He was pale, his back was all fucked up from sitting at the computer all the time, was overweight, had hearing damage because he never took his headphones off, and his appearance would best be described as “Gothic.” Quasimodo fell in love with this Gypsy named Esmeralda. She was a straight up ho. I mean, shit man, she’s a gypsy. Every bro in Paris knows you can’t turn a gypsy into a housewife. She’s banging this cop named Phoebus, a waiter named Pierre Gringoire, even Quasimodo’s best friend Archdeacon Claude Frollo.

Esmeralda was never going to fuck Quasimodo, but he would send texts, telling her how special she is, which was comforting when Pierre didn’t call her back. He’d follow her around and carry…whatever the fuck gypsies carry around…for her. She was repulsed by him physically, but it’s hard to say no to a free personal assistant and ass kisser. Quasimodo would use his tears as lubricant to jerk off while Frollo was nailing Esmeralda in the next room; the whole time thinking that someday she’ll realize what a nice guy he is. Eventually, Esmeralda married a knight named Chad who owned a carriage dealership, and on her wedding day, she told Quasimodo he was her best friend. That night Quasimodo cried himself to sleep on his greasy, anime print body pillow. Chad divorced Esmeralda a few years later after he caught her fucking a stable boy. Then one night while crying, Esmeralda told Quasimodo, “Why can’t I find a guy like you?” and promptly hopped back onto the cock carousel. Esmeralda wound up dying of syphilis and Quasimodo stayed at her grave until he starved to death, having never gotten so much as a handjob.

Poor Quasimodo fucked up good and proper. Girls know as soon as they meet a guy if they would have sex with him. Quasimodo should have gone in for the hookup right at the start. She would have shot him down but at least it would be done already and he could have gone looking for a girl more similar to him, like chicks at a feminist rally. There is no amount of time when Esmeralda would have realized what a nice guy he is and fucked him.

The first time Quasimodo heard, “Let’s just be friends” he should have said, “I already have friends. I don’t need another one.” By having other friends it shows Quasimodo has value. It also turns the rejection on Esmeralda, making her the one who needs validation.

Another way to turn friend zone to fuck zone is by having her see him with other women. Jealousy is like kryptonite for women. She will wonder why he isn’t chasing her and also wonder what those other girls see in him. If Quasimodo wanted to go hardcore he could have taken Esmeralda to the bar and used her as a wingman to pick up wenches. Girls will think he must be packing a huge bell tower if someone as hot as Esmeralda is hanging out with him; meanwhile, Esmeralda is jealous of the attention he is getting.

Quasimodo could have saved himself a lot of grief if he had just looked in the mirror. 8’s don’t fuck 2’s, no matter how charming they are. The only workaround is money and the uglier you are the more it’s gonna take.

"Spot the rich guy"

When a guy hits on a girl who thinks he's cute, it's flattering. When a guy she has no interest in hits on her, it's creepy. After getting sentenced to the friend zone every time Quasimodo tried to flirt he dug his hole deeper. He should have salvaged his dignity and quit bothering.

This post is part of my ongoing Girlfriend Survival Guide series, which I will eventually publish as an e-book. If you have any suggestions for this post or topics you would like to see covered I'd love to hear about it.