Casual Sex & Power Dynamics
DISCLAIMER 1: This is not a man-bashing posting. I love men and having sex with them.
DISCLAIMER 2: I am writing as a heterosexual female. I cannot speak to other people's experiences, only my own.
Sometimes I feel sexually objectified during sex with men who aren't my husband, and other times I feel empowered by the same experience. Occasionally, I waffle between the two emotions both during and afterwards. Why does that happen?
First off, it's important to know what I mean by "sexual objectification." There are certain circumstances when it's absolutely NOT okay, ever.
On the other hand, in the bedroom, things are a lot more subtle, or at least ambiguous. This is one of the reasons that I, personally, cannot have sex on a regular basis with someone whom I'm not even friends with. Meet up with someone I hardly know so that he can have sex with me? Yeah, not exactly the most beneficial thing I can do for my self-worth. But the social power dynamic is a lot different when I reframe that scenario: What if I meet up with someone I hardly know so that I can have sex with him? Now that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. It shouldn't, though, because then objectification is still occurring, just with a different power dynamic.
That's the whole issue here. In society, men often have the upper hand -- in physical strength, in influence, in earnings, and in gendered relationship assumptions (for example, whenever a woman does household chores, that's normal, but whenever a man does chores, he should be praised for "helping" her), etc. Even in everyday speech, the power differential is evident; I constantly find myself having to delete hedging phrases like "I think that," "maybe," "what might be the issue is..." and reframe my thoughts more assertively.
This societal power is upheld and reinforced when a man decides to have sex with a woman, and the woman consents, even more so if he has somehow wooed her with his sexual charisma and overall "manliness." However, as the script goes, if a woman "overpowers" a man's reason with her attractiveness, she has -- to put it in very vulgar terms -- used the "power of the pussy" to get what she wants. As appealing as it is for women to get what they want, when they want it, do we really want our only power to come from our genitals?
Maybe it's time It's time to stop viewing sex in terms of power and more in terms of pleasure. Unless it's BDSM. But that's a discussion for another day...
SOME RELEVANT LINKS:
"The Effects of Sexual Objectification on Women's Mental Health" - A brief academic perspective
"What's The Problem With Objectifying Women?" - YouTube video examining the issue from a Biblical perspective -- it's not what you think! I'm not super-religious, but I highly recommend you at least check it out.
"How to Spot Sexual Objectification: The Chips Test" - Text by Caroline Heldman. The photo comes from her page, but it's obviously an American Apparel ad.
Interesting thoughts... First of all, thanks for putting them on 'paper'! In my view and experience this all depends very much on the way pleasure is perceived by the individual. In my case (I am a male) I have the most pleasure from seeing my partner having pleasure. That changes a lot in the above dynamic. Not that I am immune to the above statements completely though, unfortunately. But luckily when it comes to sex and pleasure we enjoy this to the fullest together, and with likeminded others, without these power issues. I think what I am trying to say is that we are all personally in charge of how we stand in life and we can all discover that it is so much more enjoyable to give than to take. To those struggling with this issue that is my challenge. Focus fully on the other person and their pleasure and see what that in turn will bring you! ;) I promise you you will be amazed!
Have a great day,
@Ozz
I definitely agree -- I get the most turned-on when I see that my partner is enjoying what's going on. Usually during sex that's what I'm most focused on, too. However, I find that there is definitely a power dynamic inherent in giving pleasure, most evident during such non-traditional sex acts as pegging... At least for me, it is a heady sensation to know that I am actively giving pleasure, rather than just reacting to it being given to me.
True, both sides of the medal have their rewards ;)
Personally I think the whole "power exchange" is just more of the side effects on how we came to perceive sex during the agricultural age. When we went from on monogamous dynamic to the MINE, MINE, MINE mentality. As a single straight male swinger I can see both sides of this coin at clubs and events. Men DO have the imposing power in the all important Veto. Yet it is women who really rule the day, even in what is more or less already applied consent (to a point) there is a pretty clear cut paradigm present.
Have you read Sex at dawn yet it kind of shows (as best any one really can) the road map of how we got to this point Sexually. Sadly tho i think even desired objectification is here to stay.
I've heard a lot about that book, I'll have to check it out. But I'm intrigued by that last statement, "Sadly tho i think even desired objectification is here to stay." What do you mean by that?
I mean that it is so much a part of our culture that there is no going back, people are always in some ways or another to be considered objects and objects are to be sought after and used or collected.
Yes, the video link made the point that sexual objectification is nothing but an offshoot of the objectification and commodification of people in general.
But your use of the word "culture" makes me wonder if there is any place in the world where such objectification -- of any kind -- doesn't exist.
There are plenty of massively remote communities where such things are not common. Key word there is remote.
Following you! ;)
@Ozz
Thanks!
Ah yes.... the delicate balance of the power exchange.
Glad you seem to be agreeing with me. I tried to tell my husband what I was writing about, and he just didn't get it--probably b/c he doesn't have an objectifying bone in his body!
Random thumbs up from me for having a definitely unique type of blog on Steemit!
Thanks! If you think there's anything specific I should cover, feel free to let me know. :)