Reflecting on the Past Year or So

1. Where was I last winter?

Physically, I was tired, but otherwise in good health
Mentally, I was happy to be traveling, but also a bit depressive, being so far away from home.
Emotionally, I was sad a lot. Though I was usually excited, and grateful.
I wasn't feeling as connected to my loved ones as I'd have liked to be.
I was in Quebec, far away from all of my friends and family, including my son.
I will never go that far away for very long again.

I was missing BC a LOT!
I seemed to have been sidetracked by the idea of loving someone, and being loved.
I was in touch with my passions in the way that I was creating jewelery quite often.
I was learning how to play the ukelele.
I was living in a sugar shack in the middle of nowhere.

They call it Valleyfield.
I spent a LOT of time with my previous partner's dog.

It was beginning to affect me immensely.
Not a whole lot of human interaction.
I realized that BC was my true home.
I realized exactly how much I wanted to be a good mother.

1. Where was I last spring?

Physically, I was in good health. And back in BC.
I was riding my bike a lot, into town, and all over.

Mentally, I was grieving like crazy, dealing with a LOT of death, crying a LOT.
Emotionally, I was extremely sad, but I was excited for new beginnings.
I made it a goal of mine (and succeeded) to move back to the city my son lives in.
I even got to be at his birthday party, and help them get set up.
He lives with his grandparents.

I became extremely focused on creating poetry, which is definitely a passion of mine.
I started working on a book, and writing a blog you can find at http://artinanow.blogspot.ca/

1. Where was I last summer?

Physically, I felt pretty good.
I was still riding my bike all over the place, despite the grief I was experiencing.
I was hiking around, moving my body, dancing in the forest.
Mentally, I felt like I REALLY needed the company of my friends and community.
I definitely felt loved, though.

Emotionally, I was just trying to hold on and be strong.
I was not afraid to cry, to show up and be vulnerable.
I felt very close to my friends.
But I still wasn't as close to my son as I'd have liked to be at the time.
I was getting excited about new ideas for creating abundance in my life.
I was making quite a bit of jewelery, and working on a food truck at a few festivals.
I was grateful to experience a bit of ceremony with amazing souls surrounding me.

That was at Astral Harvest, in Alberta. I highly recommend it.
I had also made some bandanas with my art on them.
That was my first experience with printing my art onto anything, really.

1. Where was I last fall?

Physically, I felt absolutely f***ing exhausted.
Mentally, I was also exhausted... I was dealing with continuous deaths all around me.
Emotionally, I was exhausted.

Sometimes I felt so loved and supported though.
There was magic all around me, despite the events I was living through.
I was hugging people a LOT.
More crying.
I was learning how to stop grieving ALONE all the time!
I was strengthening existing relationships.
We were learning how to stick together through hard times.
We were helping each other, JUST by showing up for each other.
I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Even though the world was literally burning around us.

I was happy to have been able to show up for people in my life.
My creative flow declined drastically, as a result of all of the loss, though.
All I had in me at the time was poetry.
And a strong desire to take photos of everything and everyone I could.

1. What major events happened in my life over the past year?

I endured a breakup with someone I loved very much.
It took me over 6 months to get over, by the way.
Someone I once loved very deeply for over two years passed away in his sleep.
I had an abortion. (thank goodness I had the right to that)
I saw TOOL play live.
Three other very good friends passed away.
I printed my art onto something people could actually WEAR.
I started going to live bands again, and less raves.
I started writing a book.
I started seeing a counselor. I realized that it was finally time to reach out, and ask for help.
I travelled across the country without friends or family with me.
I started singing at karaoke nights, and actually somewhat often.
I started playing guitar.
I quit buying cigarettes.

These things affected my body.
Grief made me feel sick to my stomach, and made me feel tired all the time too.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
Quitting cigarettes made it easier to run and sing.
Travel is exhaustingly FUN.
Playing guitar gives me the good chills.
Metal/punk/rock shows meant dancing and moshing, felt good to let it out.

These things affected my mental state.
Grief made it hard, a lot of times, to feel okay.
I pushed some people away too.
I lashed out.
I cried intensely.
I laughed hysterically.
I found it hard to balance.

My emotional state was affected as well.
Sometimes I felt extremely alone.
It was like very few could even understand.
I felt so f***ing lost sometimes.

My perception of life was affected.
Friends and family seemed to be dropping like flies.
I really just realized that I wanted to live my life to the fullest.
I wanted to enjoy whatever time I had left.
Being there for ourselves and each other began meaning a lot more every day!

I have struggled with death more than ANYTHING in the past year.

I learned that life is short.
Our days our numbered.
We need to be a tribe.
We need compassion for one another's journey.
We need to take one day at a time, and make the absolute most of it.
It's important to choose wisely exactly how we live here and now.