The Day I Came Out of the Closet to my Christian Family: Coming Out Story pt 2

joeba (46)in #secret-writer • 8 years ago (edited)

I Came Out of the Closet to my Christian Family (coming out pt 2)

In my #introduceyourself post (click here), I wrote about my years as teenager before coming out of the closet. As I believe Steemit is a place to share experiences, stories and thoughts, I feel free to share this with you. I am not a real good writer and English is not my mother tongue, so I hope that doesn't bother you:-). The fact I grew up in a Christian family didn’t make it easier for me to have homosexual feelings. All those years I couldn’t believe that it was me who actually had these feelings. For years, I wanted to change, to become a heterosexual and I kept praying to God asking Him to change me. Of course, this never happened. As far as I knew, homosexuality was wrong. God would punish me for having a relationship. I have been doubting about God’s existence for many times but I decided to not give up on my faith. And after years of struggling with both my religion and my homosexual feelings, I came to a point of realization: God may be up there and let’s assume He really is, God didn’t want me to change. If he wanted me to change, He would have answered my prayers, right? He would have changed me! So…. either God doesn’t exist or He does exist and he’s okay with me having these feelings. For the first time in my life it felt alright, I was okay as a person and I finally felt so sure of it!

No way back..

So, let’s continue where my first post ended. At an age of 17, I told my mother about my homosexual feelings. The weeks before that moment, there were several times I already considered telling my parents. It was a Saturday afternoon and I came home from an exhausting holiday with my friends. My mom and I were in a quarrel. I was tired and wasn’t thinking ‘straight’ at that moment. It also had to do with a good friend who recently came out so when this quarrel was on its peak, I told her about my homosexual feelings. The silence which followed was painful.

My mom looked shocked and confused

Me: mom, say something?

Silence

Me: mom, say something!?

Mom: what should I say? Please son, why are you doing this to us?

Me: doing this to you!? Do you think I chose for this? It’s been there all those years and I finally have the courage to tell you.

She started to cry, and so did I.

Mom: isn’t this a temporarily thing? Are you sure about it?

Me: Of course, I am sure. I am not just telling you this. I have been thinking about this for years. Can you please not tell dad about it?

Mom: How can I not tell this to your dad? I will have to tell him tonight.

I agreed that my mom would have to tell my dad about this. I felt so weird that night in bed realizing there was no way back. I had really told her about it? It felt like something unreal. My secret…. On one side it was such a relief, she finally knew.. But on the other side I felt scared for what was to come. My decision was made. Having a wife and children was no option anymore. The years before that moment, I many times considered to carry myself out as an heterosexual for the rest of my life. To simply put on a nice show. Marry a wife, get a nice family with kids and a big house. I wanted a dog and every week I would be sitting in the church decently. During that time I really believed acting such a life would have been so much easier for me. I believed it would save me from a lot of trouble, disappointment and rejection. Despite the fact I was very tired that night, I could barely sleep. It was a strange feeling that after all these years, my parents knew… Things were going to change…

A Sunday morning like no other..

I woke up on the early Sunday morning and everything felt so weird. Knowing that after such a long time both my parents were aware of my homosexual feelings too!? My mom had told my dad about the night before and I hadn’t seen each him yet. He was probably still asleep in the room next to me. I was nervous to even get out of my bed. “What would my dad say? Will he be mad, upset, disappointed?” I had no idea what to expect. As far as I can remember, I fell asleep again and my mom woke me up two hours later. As I said, it was a Sunday morning and like any other Sunday we would go to church. When she were in my room she told me that dad wouldn’t go to church because he was too upset and confused about my news. As she told me that, I told her that I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. Fifteen minutes later my dad came into my room and told me that he would always love me and that wouldn’t change, no matter what.

Even my preacher knew..

Together, my parents went to church that morning. When they came back they appeared to be having a difficult time. My parents told me that our preacher would come to our house to talk with me. I was upset because I had told my parents not to tell anyone else about this. Yesterday nobody knew about this and now within a day even my preacher knew this? His wife probably too. My father really needed someone to speak to, my mother said.

That afternoon my preacher came by. We went for a walk in the fields at my parents farm. The preacher told me that God still loves me (this was actually something I wasn't really worried about). He also said that me having a relationship with another man would be a sin. He told me that God would give me the strength to live a celibate life. Other people could stay single, so why couldn’t I? he asked me. My preacher had also brought a Bible and started to read me this:

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Of course I had already searched for these verses a several times so I was not amazed by it. I was only hoping that my preacher would say that me being gay and having a relationship would not be any problem. I was more or less amazed by my preacher’s attitude that day. There was no option to reason with him about this. He was so sure about it. But in a way I felt dissapointed. He told me that this was my burden like anyone else has his or her burdens. He sounded like one of those on the internet who proclaimed that homosexuality was a curse and an unnatural result of our broken world. He said there was only one way to go to heaven and that was to stay on the right path by not having a relationship.

One day I will convince others..

I knew God had a plan for me and I somewhere also knew that God didn’t want me to live a celibate life. I just couldn’t substantiate it yet! There was too much information in the Bible telling me that I could not have a relationship with another man but there was such a strong feeling in my life that I could. In a world of hate and war, how could love between two people be wrong? From that day on it became my goal to find out the truth and convince my fellow Christians about it..