Buzzz touched all of us...

The following is a tragic, tasteless story of national humiliation that should not be read by anyone, so if you consider yourself to be politically correct or if you are easily offended by reality, or things that have been made up for no good reason, then please, please stop reading. On the other hand, I have spent almost fifty years of my life interviewing hundreds of serious professionals in order to write this article, so please read it, if just one person reads it and laughs or cries then my life will have been worthwhile. The original article contained classified and extremely embarrassing material, therefore I had to change the names of people and places and also fabricate certain events in order to publish this article on steemit.

It all began in the late 1950s, those were great times, celebrities were sexy, politicians were handsome and honest, the cars had funny fins, everyone was happy, the country was a perfect paradise until those nasty communists started to win the space race (probably by cheating). Our most handsome leader ever promised us that we would go to the moon and assured us all that our rockets were longer and wider than the Russian ones, the nation felt secure again. At around this time, three astronauts met for the first time at an astronaut conference, Kneel Strongarm and Buzzz Aldrink bonded instantly when they laughed at each other’s name tags, later they were joined by a jolly Irish guy called Micky O’ Coffins, he told such funny stories that the other two insisted on a three man voyage to the Moon.

As everyone knows, the mission was a complete success but the three astronauts appeared to be very uncomfortable at the press conference which was held shortly after they returned safely to Earth. None of the men smiled, Kneel spoke like a robot from a bad 1950s science fiction movie, O’ Coffins insisted that he hadn’t seen any stars during the entire trip, even though NAAASA experts generally agree that space is black and stars are white and twinkly. I remember watching the press conference at home and wondering what the hell was going on, I decided to investigate, little knowing that my investigation would cost me my job, my savings and ruin three of my five marriages.

I interviewed hundreds of NAAASA personnel about the historic trip to the Moon, most of them agreed that it had been a complete waste of time, but a job is a job and NAAASA jobs pay well so they had gone along with it, all of them remarked on the enthusiasm of the three astronauts as they prepared to leave the Earth and the change that had come over them during the voyage, it was only when I interviewed Kneel Strongarm himself that I finally realized the awful truth of what really happened on the Moon.

The voyage to the Moon started really well, everyone was in high spirits, especially when Micky O’ Coffins opened the crate of whiskey that he had smuggled aboard the spacecraft. The three men drank heavily and sang hearty drinking songs, they had great fun reporting back to NAAASA that everything was normal! On the third day of the voyage, things started to go wrong, Micky O’ Coffins became morose, he sang sad songs about Ireland and complained bitterly about his bad luck, he wanted to walk on the Moon more than anything else in the world, but he had to step aside and let the other two hog all the glory. Kneel tried to console Micky but Buzzz just made things worse by imitating his silly Irish accent and making fun of his sad songs about the old country. Finally, Micky snapped during a drinking session and punched Buzzz, the two men fought so viscously that they smashed up all of the NAAASA cameras and filming equipment, luckily Micky O’ Coffins mother had packed his suitcase for him and included a cheap camera and an ancient home movie camera with plenty of film. The quality of the film footage of the lunar landing was terrible but at least the astronauts had some proof that they had actually walked on the Moon instead of walking across a movie set in Texas!

The astronauts had carefully hidden their drinking and fighting from mission control but once Buzzz and Kneel climbed into the Lunar Lander, the situation changed when a tipsy Buzzz accidently switched on the sensitive microphone inside the tiny spacecraft. As Kneel expertly guided the vessel to the surface of the Moon, Buzzz started to behave in way that all of the Mission Control personnel could only describe as “highly inappropriate”. At first, he just complimented Kneel on his piloting skills, later he remarked that the sunlight entering the cabin made the astronaut’s hair look “really pretty”. It is a miracle that Kneel landed the Lunar Lander safely that day because Buzzz never stopped trying to put his hand on his knee. Finally, as the mighty rocket engine fell silent, Buzzz turned to Kneel and uttered the immortal words: “Do you want to see my rocket?”

The entire world watched Kneel climb down the Lunar Lander ladder that day, he was relieved to get away from Buzzz and started to cry when it was time to get back into the Lunar Lander, he was never the same person after that terrible experience and hid away from the American public for years afterwards. Many retired NAAASA personnel I spoke to admitted that Buzzz had touched almost everyone involved with the mission, at one point he even harassed the space chimps.