That first date spark
First Dates.
I love them and cringe at the idea of them as much as the next person. Like watching them - The voyeuristic experience of seeing someone meet a stranger, with nothing – or everything – to lose. It is hard to not compare them to your own first meetings, and you almost feel the flutter when the flirting begins in earnest. Chat is about the drinks, the food, random hobbies, ice cream flavours and life as they know it. You think everything is going swimmingly, the eyes lock longingly across the table, conversation is flowing and cheeks are rosy. And all of a sudden it is over as quickly as it began, the bill is paid and it is time for the verdict. “They’re definitely going out again” you think to yourself. Perfect match. Then you hear it. The ending that you’ve heard too many times before.
“You’re a great person, and I had a lovely time, but I just didn’t get that connection, that spark you know”
Their dates nod their heads, even when they earlier had confessed to being eager about a second date, or opportunity. “Yeah, I mean, I totally agree. It would be nice to hang out as friends.”
In sport, people miss their shots all the time. Golfers take a bad putt, footballers hit the bar, and rugby players get tackled right before the line. Sometimes people say dating is almost like a sport, but when did it become so much harder than that? When did dating become Mission Impossible? Are people too fussy? Are they getting uglier? Is it getting harder to open up or maybe impress in a world of the perfect social media life?
What seems to be a common theme or goal for people who are actively looking for a relationship is the elusive spark. So what is it? On a first date, it is purely based around lust as no one is going to be able to lay everything on the line in a few hours. You may feel like you do, but you cannot possibly know the other person at this stage. So, yes, you are all shallow beasts. The problem with lust, is that it has ebbs and floods. It won’t always be there to carry your relationship as the libido takes a hit through stressful times or even depression. Companionship and compatibility on the other hand is a better recipe for success. So why don’t we go for compatibility? Because we have been told that the spark has to be there from day one, or else there is no point, it’s doomed, they’re not going to be your Prince or Princess Charming.
Wrong. Have you ever met a person and then known them for a long time, only to look at them one day and realise you’re in love with them? Or have you perhaps gone on a few dates extra with a person you get on with but don’t fancy on a Jamie Dornan/Scarlett Johansson level, and found yourself madly in love, with a spark that compares to no others? Sometimes you need to stay on the ride long enough to get to your destination, people. Compatibility breeds love, which often breeds lust. It does not have to be the other way around, and perhaps things would be different if people would stop putting impossible demands on first dates. We are people, not love machines.
No wonder we love watching First Dates. And please, even if you aren't sure, give that person a second or third date. You could end up with the love of your life.
the beginning is the beautiful dance, my Mum always said "you can never go back to holding hands"
Interesting article. I would like to ask the author of the source of this information.
Well said! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks!
Really good post!
Before I found my spouse, I went on tons of dates. I was often more interested in the other person than they were of me. It was always disappointing when they didn't feel the same way. There were other times when I thought other person didn't "feel right" to me, and so I decided not to continue dating them.
Eventually I found someone who did want to continue dating me just as much as I wanted to date them, and now we are married :)
Thanks, glad you found your match! :)
Attraction/lust is important from the start, however I think people having the same life goals and beliefs really plays the biggest part in how a first date goes. Think of it like a job interview, you are both there to see if you have something to offer each other and want the same things. Each party in a job interview has to be attracted to the other, the employee is attracted to the pay and the employer to the skills.
In the end, no matter how much you are attracted to each other it won't last long if you don't want the same things in life. The best and most honest people won't continue past the first date if they don't see a future.
Thanks for the response! I do agree with you. Perhaps the most important job interview of your life as well, no pressure there. Heh. There are definitely some deal breakers out there, you can usually tell if someone is entirely unsuitable. It does annoy me, however, when someone gets 'dumped' (in lack of a better word) when there isn't that immediate click but everything else matches up...or for that matter, something small that the other person did that could just be down to first date nerves. It has the potential to get there when you know someone better, and younger people (than me anyway) now seem to only look for that instant gratification!
My husband and I met on a blind date.
To be honest, I fell in love with him that first night. When I got home, I told my mother that I had just met the man I was going to marry.
My husband, on the other hand took quite a bit longer to make up his mind. We dated for nine years before he proposed.
We've been married fo over 22 years but if I hadn't been patient long enough for him to figure it out, where would we be?
I really like hearing about these things! Someone once said to me that they 'chose' the person they were with. They decided that they were going to love them, and I thought that was very sweet too.
Congrats on what must be a strong marriage!
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