RE: Find Your Real Valentine: Getting Yourself into the Right Relationship
Some solid advices here, coming from the heart.
My two cents - the #1 reason for broken relationships is what I call - feeding. No matter how much in love the couple is, sparks between them and true friendship and all, ultimately, they are individuals. As such they are committed to their own growth in life. There is no way to avoid this. So, at some point one spouse is called to grow, and when that happens the other spouse must be tolerant and accept the fact that their spouse goes through a process. That means that the dynamic will change and it may happen that the growing spouse will need a space, time to themselves. That, naturally, will cause the "left-aside" spouse to feel neglected: "We were so loving together and now you seem to be distant. What’s wrong?" Well, nothing. A wise, mature person will know to fill the lack from within and not feed off of their growing spouse. If they don’t know how to do that, then a loop of blaming-guilt-clumping-distancing will replace the so-far rosy love affair. Pay attention to this dynamic, be prepared and save your relationships.
This is some really solid advice. My fiance and I are not poly, but we're what you might call poly adjacent. We have a lot of friends who are and have been to lectures on the subject and such. Around the time that marriage for love (and also separating by nuclear family as the default), or having to find your soulmate became the primary reason for marriage it also seems to have pushed the notion that your partner should also be your best friend, your lover, your business partner, your therapist, and co-parent. This, to be blunt, is a fucking insane thing to expect of one other person. IF you have that with someone, great, amazing! But it's super rare that you find a person who can be all of those things and do it effectively. One of the things that I think monogamists can learn from the poly community is that maintaining multiple relationships does not dilute your feelings. What it actually does is allow you to focus on what is strong in your relationship with each person and not force you into interactions with them which they may not be interested in or equipped for. Humans used to live much more communally than we have since the early part of the 20th century and I think we have abandoned that to our detriment.
Indeed so. And it relates to the ability of one to stand strong in their identity so other people in the beloved's life do not threaten the connection between the couple itself.
All our friends, loved ones, colleagues, are aspects of us. No one is a threat to the other, but it takes an aware person to know this.
Thanks for your post 👍