The Unexpected Side Effects of Getting Out Of Debt: A Debt-Free Love Story Part 1

If personal finances were about the math, I imagine we would all be millionaires...

Spend less than you make. Save the rest diligently in compounding interest accounts over a long period of time. The math is stupid-simple. But we are not ledgers. We’re people. We have complex emotional needs and desires, influences and distractions, subjective values and abilities, relationships and responsibilities. Personal finance seems to be far less about the math, and far more about how we are handling ourselves in this life.

If you’re currently working to get out of debt, you’re in for more than spreadsheets and calculators. You’re in for emotional roller-coasters and, very likely, some intense conversations with the closest people in your life. To get out of debt, behaviors have to change from the ones that got you into debt to begin with. The simple math on paper may require a lot of physical work and emotional investment.

It can be helpful to look outside yourself to get advice and reassurances. Seeing other people succeeding can inspire and teach us, but most success stories are told by people who have already overcome the challenges required to get there. Hindsight may be 20/20, but it can also be tinted by rose-colored glasses. Once you’ve succeeded at something, it’s easier to look back on the struggle and not get too bogged down by the weight of emotions that were heavily carried through the process. Once you’ve succeeded, it all makes sense. “A” had to happen for “B” to come along. When you’re in the thick of it, when you’ve got the mud on your hands and your heart on your sleeve, it can be a little more challenging to recognize progress.

I’d like to share our story with you, in real-time, as we go through it. I’ll be real with you. It’s not always easy, but so far, it’s all worth it! Perhaps by sharing our thoughts and experiences about our journey out of debt, we can help shed some light on your own path to financial freedom.

To catch you up so far...

Tali and I met in late December 2017. By mid-January, we were dating. I spent most of February in Mexico, in a sort of agony, leaving behind my new-found love in Portland, Oregon. I returned to her in March and officially moved in with her by April. We have a type of relationship I never thought possible. We not only fell in love fast, we fell completely.

Over the past year together, we’ve learned that the more we share, the better life gets. We share our passions, desires, challenges, insecurities, and burdens. In fact, we’ve discovered a type of joy in tackling our struggles together.

Last Spring, was a rough spot for us financially. I had very little steady work, and she was spread thin working several part-time jobs. We would take turns, paycheck by paycheck, carrying the burden of paying the majority of the bills. By summer, Tali and I decided to merge our finances and get debt free together. We also decided to get married. We changed jobs, started new side-projects, and created a very full vision board. It’s been a very eventful first year!

Just reading that last paragraph makes it sound like we were in the hole, made a decision, and all was better. In a way, that’s true. Just having a shared goal and a plan of action did take a lot of the burden off our backs. But the stress of not having a plan was replaced with other obstacles we’re having to work through. Long hours, 6-day work weeks, scattered commuting...you can expect to get tired when trying to make financial progress. But there are side-effects of this that were unexpected.

When Tali and I first got together, we would often take our coffees and our cat out for walks through our neighborhood. We would admire the architecture surrounding us. We’d listen to audiobooks together, discuss deep topics, hold hands, make plans, and pause for kisses.

Our morning walk that day took us to the Portland Rose Gardens.

The decision to get debt free all but ended that. We still get walks in, but they are few and far between. These days when we do get to walk our hood, we have to set a timer. “We have 7 minutes out, and 7 minutes back. That will give us 5 minutes to get ready to go back to work.” It’s also the rainy season here in Portland. Which means our already limited opportunities to enjoy this pastime have to line up just right with the infrequent breaks in the weather.

 

This next part contains adult subject matter.

It may be too much info for some of you, but I want to convey our real story. These are the things nobody seems to tell you about making big financial changes...

Tali and I have the type of relationship that makes sense of all the love stories you’ve ever seen, all the cheesy love songs you’ve ever heard, and all the poetry passed down from generations past. We have the type of love I never thought possible until I was experiencing it. We have deep connections in more ways than I can count.

We’re madly passionate for each other. Before we decided to get control of our finances together, that would often result in lost afternoons making love on the couch. We’d ride the motorcycle up the hill and makeout overlooking the sunset. Some days we’d linger in bed until the last possible second before going to work, only to return to bed a few hours later to pick up where we left off.

Today is different. We both work 6 days most weeks. Our work days start with an 8:30 am commute and return home at 8:30 pm. These 12-hour work days are split shifts, sometimes resulting in Tali commuting to 3 different locations on the same day. We don’t just fall into time together anymore. We have to plan everything, sometimes weeks in advance. The next day we get to sleep in together is 10 days from now, 14 from the last time we got to sleep in. We are very intentional to allow ourselves lunch breaks and evenings together. But often, we are so mentally and physically fatigued, that time together is spent cooking, eating, and winding down before falling to sleep.

I know that’s a common story. Many couples encounter this lack of balance. Time spent making a living can result in not having much of a life. Less time with each other. Less time with friends. Less time for solitude and creativity. This is likely nothing new to you. But the stark difference from where we were a year ago to where we are today has resulted in some very real emotional turmoil.

Hard to feel like your partner wants intimacy when you’re both too tired to initiate it.

Easy to allow that inner self-critic to have a voice, “Did I do something wrong?”, “Am I undesirable?”, “Has our relationship changed?”

I think for many couples this can begin a downward spiral. Perception can be your reality, and when you feel less loved, it’s easy to make assumptions. If one or both people in a relationship are feeling less loved, the pain may be revealed later on in the form of anger, frustration, resentment...who knows how far down the spiral goes?

Tali and I have very few rules in our relationship. But one “policy” we try to adhere to is bringing up anything that’s bothering us to the other person as soon as possible. We strive to share complete honesty, to bring to the conversation anything and everything about ourselves. Irrational fears? Check. Insecurities? Check. Potential flaws? Check. But also plenty of good things: Hopes and dreams? Helpful experience? Immense gratitude? Check! Check! Check!

So we have a massive upside to all this. We continue to grow closer and closer by sharing with each other the inner struggles that are boiling up as part of the work we’re doing. It’s an UPWARD spiral that goes something like this:

Madly in love> Decide to get out of debt together> Take on all the work we can> Have less time and energy for each other> Insecurities reveal themselves> We talk through them (over and over again)> We make intentional plans with each other> We know what we want and where we’re going> We’re madly in love...

The time we had early on when we were broke was valuable in so many ways, not the least of which was a sneak-peek at the life we want. By getting out of debt (and continuing to thrive financially), we know we are buying future time together. We’re buying back our freedom to be spontaneously intimate. We’re buying future walks and architecture talks. We’re buying back sexy afternoons on the couch. Best of all- we’re earning it together, so we’re also building a future full of security, empowerment, and appreciation for each other and what we’re able to accomplish together.

 

About this blog series:

Tali and I wanted to make a podcast of this process. We have some pretty great conversations we’d love to share, but that will have to come later. Ironically, the work we’re wanting to share with you is preventing us from having enough time to collaborate on such a thing. So, I’ll be writing about our journey out of debt here on the blog. Tali will have her own voice on her blog, and when we get the opportunity, we’ll come together to share more. (Like next week's video where we get to take two things off our Vision Board and into reality!)

We’re making progress!

In the next post, I’ll be sharing actual numbers and the work we’re doing to create a positive cash-flow gap. You’ll see our debts lined out, our monthly budget, and income. I’ll share the plans and processes, step-by-step, of how we’re getting out of debt.

At the end of each post, I’ll sign off with where we are on the debt-free journey.

Starting Debt: $45,868

Current Debt: $44,546

P. S.

Some of you may be wondering; "Why the hell would he share such intimate details about their personal life?" Here’s why:

I’ve had similar goals in the past. I’ve also been married before and raised 3 kids. Every personal finance book I read would line out the numbers. “Do A, B, and C, and you’ll get out of debt!” What they fail to tell you is that “A” affects your health, “B” distracts you from your family, and “C” can steal your sex life.

Financial goals are not just about numbers!

I would love to have had someone share the processes, struggles, and victories to show me how to deal with some of the things I’ve had to overcome.

Tali is a State Champion Weightlifter, coach, writer, and speaker. I’m a fitness coach, writer, and teacher. Together we have the most amazing relationship I’ve ever even heard of. We’re doing this! We’re getting out of debt, getting married, building a future, and striving for fitness goals - all at once. We know some things, and we’re learning every day.

We’re happy to share what we learn along the way if it means helping to bring others along. Selfishly, writing helps me to integrate what I’m learning. Sharing my writing can also be an ego trip (I think any artist who shares their work and denies this is either lying or lacking self-awareness). But ultimately, I hope our story can help you.

 

I'm publishing a book in February. In it, I discuss my life transformation over the past two years and the habits that have set me up for the happiest year of my life.

If you're interested in receiving a free advanced copy to review, Subscribe here.

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My name is Cody Limbaugh. If you liked this, you might also like my other content.

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Live All Your Life is a project of discovery. My aim is to live with intention, to get the most out of life, and to share my discoveries with you.

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I've been a fitness coach for the past 13 years. I now write for three fitness sites.

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