How to gently communicate without hurting others feelings
The Alpina Publisher has published a book called Mutual Support and Love. It features insights from psychotherapist and family counselor Michelle Becker on how couples can communicate more smoothly. It’s hard to imagine a relationship with no issues, and conflicts between partners can be tough to resolve without harm.
Becker believes that kindness, compassion, and acceptance can make tense moments better. She recommends practicing the skill of compassionate communication. Here is an excerpt from the chapter "Using Compassionate Communication Skills," about how to talk to your partner about problems without harming the love between you.
Challenges to overcome When we feel vulnerable or uncomfortable with our partner, we often slip into old habits that block compassionate talks. One common habit is criticism.
People tend to criticize to feel safer in their relationships, even if it doesn’t really help. When I ask therapy groups why they criticize, they often say:
They want their partner to stop doing things they dislike so they can feel safe.
It’s a way to avoid feeling like the worst person.
They want their partner to do things their way for comfort.
Or they hope to help their partner become better, so they can be proud of them.
All these reasons boil down to one thing: a need for safety. Criticism can seem like a way to protest:
“You didn’t hear me when I was talking softly. So I’ll yell and point to get your attention. Can you hear me now?”
But usually, this backfires. Most times, people don’t listen when they are under attack. Criticism doesn’t bring partners closer. It often pushes them further apart.