The Unconscious: Why Do We Choose the Wrong Ones?
The relationships we form show what's going on inside us. They reveal hidden conflicts, unconscious urges, and past traumas. Our earliest and most important relationships occur in childhood, especially with our parents.
It is there that we learn how to love, trust, fear, defend ourselves, manipulate, or stay distant. These early experiences create a mental script that we carry into adult relationships without realizing it.
Beyond our own inner world, we also connect with our partner’s inner world. Usually, attraction isn’t random. It’s an unconscious search for the “right key for our lock.” We pick each other in hopes of reenacting familiar childhood scenes, which can often be painful.
The more toxic and harmful the relationship, the harder it is to leave. Partners become dependent on each other, getting stuck in cycles of projection, fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, and shame. Manipulation, punishment, and emotional ups and downs often become part of the relationship. It can lead to feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes, breaking free alone feels impossible or very difficult.
On one side, partners need each other. On the other, they tend to destroy each other. Inside, they might think this is true love, but they are really building a parent-child bond instead of a balanced relationship. In a healthy relationship, both people are free and choose to be together.
The only way out of this cycle is to work on yourself through personal therapy. Regular therapy helps you understand why you picked this partner and why you act the way you do in these relationships.
Over time, your relationship might change. It can become more mature and aware. Or, it might end in a way that causes less pain. The key is to be patient, avoid rushing decisions, and not expect quick results. Change takes time. But if you are willing to look inside yourself, change is possible and inevitable.