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It's been a while since I've opened my laptop and write something. I had a lot going on in my mind and in my life. It's been almost three years since I'm back in my country. Can't really say that I'm enjoying my time here. I did miss my family, that is a fact, but I've had enough of them. There's a lot to discuss... A LOT. I don't even know with what to begin. So, after I left Austria, I genuinely believed that I'll have better and more relaxed days. Oh boy, I was wrong!!! After the split from my ex-business partner ... with whom I had to walk the hallways of a courtroom for 3 god damn years, won 4 lawsuits against him, 3 civil and 1 penal, and still didn't recover all my money, the process is still ongoing... I came back home with my hopes highs and my chin up, trying to figure out who I am and what defines me. Guess what... After everything I've been through, after all the pain that the world gave me, God decided to put me once again on a freaking rollercoaster, and it hasn't been easy. Coming back home after traveling and moving from country to country, was disorienting. I had controversial feelings about my safe place... my home... Being back here brought tears in my eyes and pain in my soul. Turns out that I have plenty to discover about myself. I have absolutely no idea how to do it or what 'me' means. I'm awesome at giving other people advice that helps them, but when it comes to me, fuck! I'm unable to control my emotions or spell them in the right order. Because of this, when I'm pissed, either I completely shut up or I start talking way too much... verbal diarrhea. I like reading and writing cause it helps me to figure out my negative emotions and deal with them. Talking or writing about my feeling isn't easy, especially if they're negative. My life's been a disaster. The word "trauma" covers a wide scale. I've learned how to develop a mechanism to survive by making my decisions short and simple; that's what's happening where all your life you've been outraged and enraged, exasperated, furious, scared, and perplexed by most of my lives experiences. Now, don't get me wrong... I do have nice, happy memories too. They are the ones that give me strength and bring some joy into my existence. Undoubtedly, memories are priceless. Either treasured and cherished or antagonizing and harmful, they are a part of me. So, my question now is: why to write the good stuff when the bad ones are the ones who get me going! who keeps me fighting! I won't deny.. sad situations and emotions may discourage me a tiny bit, and it may drag me down sometimes, but they're an inevitable part of life. Fair or unfair shit happens! Deal with it and make the necessary changes or dwell in negativity and completely fuck the perception of life. Instead of burying my insecurities, I try to create a greater sense of wellbeing. Good and bad, yin and yang, the sun and the moon, love, and hate... it's a part of who I am. So my advice is: Don't avoid any negative emotions just because they are harmful. Know why you feel the way you do and don't you dare to try to hide it. Pain changed me and it made me reevaluate life's joy. I'm still learning.. Look at me; bad choice after bad choice, but I'm still here standing. I'm still fighting. Why rush through life and live in a state of resistance!! Sweat people, I'm not gonna say every day, but every single week I'm witnessing a new horror arising. We are so set up by society to be scared and not to feel safe that we forget how to slow down for a moment and reshape our minds to slow down and appreciate the current moment. Let's be more true to ourselves no matter if people look at us like we're freaks. Don't be ordinary because the world says it so. Freakiness is what makes us unique and cool!! I'm aware that most of my stories don't make sense to you, but it does to me. It's how I pep talk myself... Scientifically proven that a person has more than 60000 thoughts per day...well... I can assure you that I have much more than just 60k. Today just this, but from tomorrow I'll have a story each day for you.