Boundaries, Heart Break Warfare and the Gift of Our Best Selves
I ran across this Venn diagram the other day and it started me thinking about our circumstances vs. our actions/reactions. In addition, how do these two things intersect and influence each other? This sharpie logic is flawless, amazingly accurate and has real world value in its application. However, to be fair I think there is not much we actually "control" except, of course, our own reactions/actions. Yes, we can control our reactions and actions but people seem to forget this important fact when it comes to navigating our relationships and how we treat our significant others, friends and family. Loving someone and being present for them should not deteriorate into a masochistic exercise in heart break warfare nor devolve into acts of attrition that result in a type of death by a thousand cuts. Loving someone should not feel like a war zone where your self-esteem and worth are expected causalities.
Some days Social Media makes me want to punch myself in the face. Most days, the posts and ramblings make me smile, think, cry or just nod in agreement. Today, well, I had to restrain myself against an onslaught of narcissistic, entitled nonsense. I am completely over the posts and their inevitable variations of " If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." (Please insert here: loud audibly suffering groan and haphazard hair pulling). These varying memes and quotes seem to happen in cycles and all at once so please forgive my irritation.
Does loving someone mean that we inevitably have to put up with continual bullshit, lack of self-reflection and appropriate self-regulation?? I thought love was patient and love was kind not abusive and egocentric? I know we all sometimes struggle and are not always capable of putting our best selves forward but does that mean we are granted permission to treat our loved ones poorly? I completely understand and accept that there will be times we need to lean on our loved ones as things are just invariably hard to deal with. That is not the inherent problem. The problem lies with the level of entitlement that some folks feel in terms of their behaviour and what the obligation of others is to put up with that behaviour.
So, here we are, you want to do better or you are on the receiving end of someone's emotional war with themselves, what now? First off we need to be vigilant on two accounts: (1) what we put out into the world and (2) what we will accept from others. This give and take dynamic requires some firm and unalienable boundaries to be established. In todays world of being at constant attention and the level of sharing that goes on through our social media accounts I think we lose sight of the importance of boundaries. These boundaries keep us safe, healthy and happy.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.” ~Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life
There are alternatives to asking loved ones and dear friends to just swallow our bad behaviour. We can do better and we should do better. I found this blog written by Matt Walsh and I think it is really helpful in framing this problem and I am sharing it here so that it might be helpful for other Steemains. It's important we don't lose sight of ourselves when helping others but it is also equally important we don't lose sight of those that are helping us and loving us through our turmoil. Being loving to someone and feeling loved are our most essential gifts and these gifts should not be abused and honoured for the sacredness that they are offered and experienced. I have written about the sacred previously here but love, I believe, is the entirety of what constitutes and is the highest good of our human potential. I have included Walsh's article at the bottom of my page as I think its a really insightful read.
So yeah, hopefully this post didn't make YOU want to punch yourself in the face. Thanks for noticing and have a great day. 🙂
Kobie (AKA Existential Hippy)
Here are some thoughts from Matt Walsh:
"Should we scoff at our husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends and flippantly tell them to "handle it," as we behave in ways that will hurt and offend them?
No. And if you think that -- if you REALLY think that -- then you shouldn't be getting into relationships at all. You aren't ready.
Further, does our "best" (which probably isn't as great as we imagine it to be) make up for, or negate, our "worst"?
No. Your worst is your worst. Fix it. Be better. Nobody should have to put up with it. Least of all the people you love." (*)
I recognize those bubbles! I still have flashbacks of University statistics class. Turns out they came in handy for teaching Law, eventually. :P
Hmm... Venn diagrams make everything handy. :)
Times have changed since Miss Monroe said those lines.
And, they are true to a point. We are not always good. We have bad days, and days where we are just down. And being in a relationship means you have to accept that about your partner.
However, today it has shifted to an excuse. When your default is to not be bad, cruel and unkind, then the line has meaning. But when you complaining at your best, and downright insulting at your worst, the line makes no sense.
Or maybe it does. But in a backwards way. If the person is not working on themselves, and their worst is really bad, then you should recognize that the "good side" they have been showing you when you first started dating was just a facade. And that their normal, good self lies somewhere between the two extremes you have seen. So, when they stop acting, you will be left with bad and worse, and should take the blinders from your eyes, and leave this person.
Relationships are complicated that is for certain. But I think we have been nurtured in a false sense of what love should and can endure. Agreed. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. :)
That's why I'm retreating to Zappl! The musings take longer so less punches.
another social media platform??? Ugh........
It's a Twitter version of Steemit. It uses the Steem blockchain. I love it.<3
I actually don't even have a twitter account.
But, you already have Zappl because you already have a posting key for the steem blockchain. (I don't use it, so you will have to ask others for more info.)
Oh dang.... Some other thing to keep track of??? Sigh. :)
Hey @kobiespriggs,
This post is very good but Marilyn Monroe quote more inspire me.
Well, the whole point of this post was a railing against the type of behaviour the Monroe quote perpetuates.
upvoted. good post