PTSD My Story How it Start

PTSD The Trauma’s

Infant Trauma
As I look at myself reviewing my life experiences.

It is quite interesting how I can now look back at my life without a lot of emotion and pain or shall I say the re-experiencing of pain. I do feel heartbroken, and discomfort sharing these experiences, and it’s a huge part of my everyday life. I live with the constant hidden knowledge of feeling immobilized, stagnant, and disconnected within myself and the lifestyle around me, but I persist with being super perceptive of my surroundings, staying as calm as possible and work at being in self-balance with my emotions. Daily.

My whole life I was looking, searching, exploring, to find a way to understand why my mind was incapable of joy, living in a fog, having no sense of self-realization, empty inside. I could not learn, or retain information, I was at a loss at what was taught in school, I could not memorize anything, my mind seemed to be in a void. I just responded to emotions, feelings, internal thoughts, with no boundaries to control my emotions. I was really high strung, nervous, and constantly agitated.

My brain took me to places no one could have ever imagined especially as a child. I did not get any support, or anyone trying to understand how life was for me. No one talked to me about dreams. My body and brain had an experience so young, 6 months old, that was indescribable, and it carried on with me for years and years. Every emotion through me back to the beginning of life, as an infant with just emotions, to react to a situation. Crying is the biggest misconception for people to understand. Crying is the child asking for help, needing something but not able to express what the need is. The infant needs the adults around them to interpret the need. So this emotional reaction which is my mind and body’s default to dealing with feelings, emotions, expression of self. But the default includes the pain of the experience as well, so its a deep numb and unfeeling place. Its dark, lonely and empty. The reference point of nothingness. PTSD increases this in loops and its impossible to get out of the loops without help. Crying bothers so many people especially as an adult, responding to daily stress.

It was like my emotional body never grew past the age of 6 months. I had to live and develop all my skills on my own as a child, with no support or help from an adult, ever. I had troubles with my emotions, and especially other people’s emotions, because I perceive their emotions as being mine. I realize now that I also had, well as one may know there are 7 energy levels to the body related to different healing and one of the areas of the body, other than being physically damage from the trauma I was mentally and emotional damage as well, probably on all the energy body levels other than spirituality nothing seemed to be able to dampen my spirit. Although I never felt good, I struggled with my spirit being severally suppressed inside, under layers and layers of extra levels of drama, I had to deal with.

I had all kinds of dreams, visions, time travelling, astro-travelling, you name it, I experienced it all before the age of 20. It was not until the late 80’s that I started to discover information in books, on different ways the mind can be perceived the world. Some information was close to what I was feeling & experiencing nothing really explained my minds life experiences. The first book I took out of the library was a book on the mind, by LIFE. It was interesting but did nothing to explain my looking glass. It was a book on how the mind plays optical illusions. So being seven years old, not knowing better, but looking for ways to understand myself, I drew hundreds of optical illusions. Everyone thought they were good, but no one questioned why I was doing them. The best optical illusion I had seen was in my ninth grade in art class a student drew a picture it is was a picture of faces making a larger picture of a scenic view. The teacher gave him a failing mark, but I understood it and loved it and tried drawing my own. In the end, none of this really helped me to understand the workings of my brain. Although the focusing of thoughts to detail of drawing seems to ease the brains loop thoughts, at times.

As I look back I wonder how best to describe my experiences, where to start. Do I start with the trauma first or do I do it chronically or by year by year.
The information came to me to think about it this way.

How did I get this disorder? PTSD. And how did the trauma become so strong and become so instilled into my whole being? To cause this disorder PTDS to stay with me my whole life, and I am in my 60’s now.

Its was not until my late 50’s, and I am 63 now, that I ended up in extensive counseling because of an incident that I got into, and will explain the reasons of this later as I chronically go through my years life with PTSD. This incident forced me into an opportunity, not that I am sure is the right way to put it, but its true, into long term counseling – as an adult for over 10 years. And it was through counseling that I found out, discovered that I have been living with PTSD. It took several different types of counselors, with different training levels to bring me, myself and I to a place of understanding of me.

So looking back with this in mind, I know my whole live I was struggling. I know deep within my heart, my whole life’s focus, strength and inner being, I was struggling, looking and looking and looking for love. How does one love themselves… You cannot be in a relationship, I heard and read, unless you know how to love yourself. This was the biggest, most challenging accomplishment of my life. It was and is my life time goal.

Love, actually self love, was really hard to fine, there was really no information on this, I mean people talk about it, but it does not really sink in, when one has PTSD. (As if one knows how to achieve love or understand how to do it. I believe it one of those human behaviours that is learnt unconsciously from ones parents.) Otherwise, if not learnt at as an infant, being loved, known love, feeling love, is like walking, breathing, the heart beating. It’s next to impossible to access self love with out some serious help.