Failing: an update

This is going to be a bit of a weird post.

It's been some time since I updated (since my semester started, actually). I like to write about video games and coding. I don't want anyone that may be following me to think that I've just vanished, so I feel like I owe an update to the small amount of people that do follow me.

For those of you who have read my other stuff, you might know that I write on the side while juggling a 9-5 and being a part-time student.

I want to code. I want to do brilliant things with machines, to help bring this species together and get something rad accomplished. I think I'll have a better chance of making a good impact if I do that, than if I write (I used to write. I wanted to do it professionally [novels, short stories, etc], but stuff happened).

This semester, I'm only in one class, and it's completely demoralized me. That's why I haven't been updating. The professor is brilliant, but this course has a reputation for being the hardest in the major.

The purpose of the class is to code a game (made-up rules) in 4 different languages. There is no instruction in class about how to learn the languages you don't know - you need to learn them on your own as you go. One is C++ (I'm used to that), but others are older (think around the time of ALGOL to Prolog).

Each project is the same game, done in a different language, and I just can't figure it out with the restrictions of the class (you can't use the entire language as you see fit - you need to code according to a set of standards given to you). Between working all day and taking care of the kid after, I can usually find enough time to study for a class. This class is different though, because I need to not only find the time to learn the language, but to learn the IDE as well.

IDEs can be tough to pick up when you're used to coding with Python, or in Visual Studio/Eclipse/Xcode. Especially for older languages (I wish I had taken the time to learn Emacs when I was younger). Learning how to be effective in a new one takes time, and I don't have time.

My first project went ok, but I couldn't finish the logic behind the computer player's thought process by the deadline.

I didn't even hand in the second project at all because I wasn't able to generate anything of substance.

We're a week into the third project, and I can't bring myself to even write the code.

Why? Two parts.

One half of me feels like I'm a fake. Like I'm not smart enough to pick up languages and do anything productive with them. It's a defeatist attitude. I feel like I'm being laughed at by everyone because I'm an old fucker trying to fit into this new field. I feel like I'm failing my family, too.

The other half of me is angry. I'm paying for a course where I'm teaching myself. I'm angry that I have to do this (there are a lot of things I'd like to teach myself, but coding games isn't one of them). I'm angry that I'm failing. I'm angry that I feel like I need this diploma in order to pull anything off, when I know a few people that just applied for jobs in the industry without having any formal education. All of my efforts - hours of trying to figure out new key commands for IDEs while dealing with family and work issues - it all looks like it's not going to pay off. I'm good at studying. I'm just not good at studying this.

So, all my free time has been spent locked up trying to figure out what to do next. When this semester is over (mid-May), I'll start writing again.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Thank you if you've read this far.

I won't give up.