RE: Suicide and Everything After
Oh Jess xox This is something I wrestle with a lot. How people feel like they are trapped, a society that tells you you aren't allowed to leave, yet doesn't help ease your stay. I am some one who wants to leave, not always because I love being alive, but often enough because I feel like this isn't the type of alive that we should be doing. Like I love recess but i don't want to play the kickball game we are being forced to play, with all of the bullies and the fighting. I can only tell you what I tell my loved ones- that they are the beauty that I see here, not the sadness, and that there is not any particular action or burden that any one of them could take, or that I would want them to take on. I don't think I would ever leave them here, I have kept my promise to always be forthcoming about where I am at, and always reach out if i need to, but I am older and luckily didn't experience this when I was so young. I will tell you something that might help. I truly believe that we all exist as one consciousness, and so I don't feel like dying is going anywhere just changing forms or energy. So, not to just repeat a hokey saying but to truly mean it, you are her and we all are and she is still here. In whatever forms she takes, she is helping you work through ways to ease others suffering, helping us all talk about why we can't talk about it. You are a sweet soul, and I'm sorry you are suffering so much more today <3
I truly hope you don't leave. I have some weird feelings about suicide though. I would never kill myself, and I generally don't think it is the right decision, but who am I to say if it is? The reality, as an atheist, who also happens to feel spirituality comes from nature but has nothing to do with afterlife, is that we are specks in the time continuum. I am also an existentialist really, who feels that nothing really matters, but in our small microworlds where everything feels so big and like it matters so much, that is where we find value and meaning in life, and that is also worth considering. So suicide in the context of the microworld is devastating, and in the universe, is a blip, a simple shortened existence because of the weight felt by the person of said existence. I wish my friend was still here, that she could pet my dog, that we could laugh about who we were when we were 14, that she would have stayed long enough to move out of her Christian parents' house, the ones who condemned her for being a lesbian, and moved to Portland, Oregon or Barcelona or even Mexico City where I am now, places where being a lesbian these days is standard and accepted. And in my microworld, where I have been devastated, I often cry when I think of her even so many years later. And I also know that she still exists in the way that you say, as long as people keep remembering her, because that is her energy somehow. I'm truly glad to read your words here, because community and people, even digitally, help me feel connected, and feeling connected just feels better. xoxo