Hopeless

I wrote these some time ago, during one of my dark and lonely days.Two poems here and they aren't exactly what you'll call happy. Both poems were written in the middle of a nasty episode. Kind of a way to breathe. Not to worry though. I crossed that bridge a long time ago. These are just the remnants of my thoughts.

Here we go:

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Have you ever thought about the quickest way to die??
Do you ever wonder how it'd be like to die swiftly, without pain?
No, not when you're old and grey
And someone you love is holding your hands
Telling you stories about your great-grand-children
I'm talking about here and now
Right this moment
Do you ever wonder?

What if I tell you that I want to tie stones to my feet
And fill my pockets with them too
Then climb into the little pool behind the house
Because I know it'd be easy
I can't swim after all
Or that I want to slit my wrists
And watch blood draw irregular patterns on the clean floor
Till my eyes glazes over
Till my lips stop quivering
Till the voices in my head stop talking

Or that I want to take those pain pills
The ones the doctor told me never to take more than one
The ones he said I shouldn't take late at night
What if I tell you that what you think of me is wrong
You probably wonder what my fingers do in the dark
What if all they do is wipe the tears on my cheeks
And crack open the windows so my tired eyes could smile at the moon
What if all they do is refrigerate spoons
And put them under my eyes in the morning
To mask the circles that appeared from my lack of sleep
What if all I do is think about how to end it all
How to make the pain stop
Have ever wondered what would happen when you stop feeling?

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