Pact with the Devil ...

This isn't for my own good. Everything I've been kicking and screaming against for the last three decades has been ... life! What an idiot. Once you've made yourself known to the hungry demons you can't just quietly slink away and pretend you're safe. You have no choice but to man-up and face the music. Life has taken a band saw to your ego and, even though you do everything to heal the wounds, they just get opened again and again.

This conspiracy, this insidious conspiracy is for you! Why did I not see that before? This almost unbelievable knack I have for sabotaging my every opportunity. My bad luck. My moments of clarity and the inevitable curtain call. It's for me! All these self-help avenues I've been down, all the books, all the guru's rushing in the 'heal' the wounds that are not meant to be healed. No you're supposed to lie there helpless and then get up and do it again until you no longer have the strength to go on. Then get up and try again. No healing here, no salve ... only truth. You're nothing. You've always been nothing and you don't deserve to live!

All you can do is pray for mercy while you go on with the torture. You are the living embodiment of truth and your pathetic little ego pretrends that this is cause for celebration! Look at how exposed I am boohoo, how vulnerable, how alone in this endless expanse of sea I am. All attention is focused on this gleaming shard of ice lying bare in the sunlight. But it is a mirage, a prismatic optical illusion.