First Step ...

Here it is! My words come uneasily today as new orientation is taken. Again things come full circle but it is now that is of concern. The truth must by definition be found here! No amount of abstract construction does it. What one knows is of no use here. As soon as you see clearly that moving towards some future state is pure illusion then you inevitably return to investigate the here and now. I write these words to confirm what I already know. Pure knowing ... not knowing my name or my gender or my children or my wife but a pure knowing of being. The mind answers so what? It seems so trivial. The ego has gone on a search of accumulation - skills that empower its quest for recognition. It's all bullshit! It's all based on a belief that this life is all there is. Taken at this level then yes improve the ego, chase after experience and enjoy the ride. That's the only game in town for the ego.

It has never been enough for me. In all honesty this is because of a perceived inadequacy at the heart of my sense of egoic self. I'm unhappy with my lot and it all seems so hopeless. A convenient cop-out seems like a fucking good idea. I'm intrinsically not good enough so I'll just give up. So the challenge to see beyond these prison bars is all consuming at the moment. Just go through the logic of that set of beliefs - only those people who are well established in the world and content in their achievements are capable of transcendence. I see no hard evidence of this. In fact the more flashy the ego the less likely the drive to transcendence. In my heart I know that this is not the reason. In my heart I know that I have always felt that there is something intrinsically wrong with the world. I don't buy it. So many things nauseate me, things that other people take for granted. So there must be something wrong with me right?

Over the last 2 years I have shed many skins. I see the benefit of various traditional practices to give you health and energy. But now I must go further. Sometimes the interior lights up and sings the light fantastic. Consciousness is opening up it's secrets but I must go further! What could possibly keep me on the straight and narrow when there is no direct experience of truth - just an intellectual conviction that it must be here and now and that it never leaves. States of consciousness come and go - the dance of Shakti continues unabated and Maya spins her beguiling web.

Traps everywhere. Illusion everywhere. Bullshit everywhere! The only skills worth having on this path are discrimination of lies and deception, internal and external. Conceptually I'm toying with the opposites of literal and figurative as keys to seeing illusion more clearly. Maybe soon I'll run with that. Relative truth is necessary for the ego to survive and thrive but does not help one iota on the path to absolute truth. Only absolute truth will do. I clearly see that the ego cannot be of any use here. Who is writing these words? They appear and there are thoughts that produce actions in the body to get them out but the thoughts and words are forms of the same externalisation process. They are both seen ... but by who?