Emotional Healing Doesn't F*ing Happen - Stop Waiting For It
A lot of suffering going on out there in the world, and what a shame it is in the context of our swiftly approaching mortality. We're all seemingly messed up, trying to fit into the larger crowd of messed up people, all the while being manipulated by a control system of psychopaths with the only reprieve being the illumination of a Near-Death Experience, a temporary moment of enlightenment from time to time, or death itself. Surely, we hope, there is a more permanent and reliable escape from our conditioning - in my opinion, yes there is, but we have it all a bit confused.
I just recently got jettisoned from a powerful relationship. It only lasted a few weeks, but the bonding was lightning fast and we managed to pack about half a year into that small timeframe. It was loving, supportive, honest, easy, fun... for both involved. You might ask, "well why did it end?" She, innocently yet recklessly, triggered a major insecurity in myself and mismanaged the fallout. I, in turn, mismanaged my own reaction to it and trigger her major insecurity. BOOM! Suddenly, the past month couldn't compete with the perceived betrayal. A wound so deep had been reopened that she wants nothing to do with me, rejecting my misguided and confused pleas to talk with: "Leave me alone and let me heal."
Emotional healing is an illusion we can chase forever in almost exactly the same way a heroin addict chases the dragon - his first few big highs. When we seek emotional healing, we're chasing the dragon of INNOCENCE which we felt before the injury. As tough as this might be to hear, we are in fact rejecting time, maturity, and our own mortality, as the overwhelmingly-present attribute of our aging is a continual loss of innocence. When we seek out emotional healing we are making a bid to regress as far back as our biological memory can take us - back into the womb - whether that's through psychotherapy, alternative healing, psychiatric medication, drug addiction, or relationships. Whatever our crutch(es) of choice may be, we put an unreasonable expectation upon that thing or person and set ourselves up for inevitable failure - in other words, betrayal, if we're talking about a Human Being. We want to escape life itself, but reality will always find a way to seep in and displace us. In turn, we only make our lives that much harder to live and for others to embrace us fully.
To be clear, I don't know for certain what my ex meant by "heal", nor can I be certain what the word means to anyone else as most things of the mind and spirit are subjective. What I do know is that she needed to withdraw from me and possibly from the world to an extent. This is distinct from a search for healing as it's natural to cut out whatever hurt you as well as external influences in order to get a grasp on where you are - figuratively and literally - as well as who you are. When we experience a betrayal or loss, we lose track of our own identity because we have invested ourselves - and thus our identity - into that person (or thing). It is precisely at this time that we can achieve actual happiness and empowerment if we chose to turn and face the Self. Happiness that transcends what we felt when we first attained that relationship or thing, because we're still here. Our Self endures as something that transcends this, and every other, point in the space-time continuum we experience moment by moment. At the same time we are humbled by the fact that we are always susceptible to losing what we attained. If we're conscious enough to accept this revelation, we see ourselves as no better or worse than any other Human Being experiencing great joy or great poverty. In other words, our hearts get bigger and our compassion runs deeper. We will never be the same again.
I've offered you an alternative view on how to deal with betrayal and loss. It's not a solve-all, as it's not always possible to distance yourself from what or whom has hurt you. It's neither "a cure" for betrayal and loss, as these feelings will always be with you. You can choose to repress these memories, either through mind-bending techniques or addiction, but you will have robbed yourself of the goodness in your life at the time as well as the opportunity to become a stronger person. Chances are you will find yourself in situations that will remind you of these emotional scars and reawaken the associated feelings. Take these situations as opportunities to remember your own fragility and mortality, how content you are with your current situation, and how others may actually be in need of your kindness and protection. After a while you will find these associated feelings fade in their potency (Note: do not consciously attempt to make this happen), as you age and life teaches you that these experiences aren't to be taken personally.
Before you leave, let's consider the natural impulse for us to take betrayal and loss personally. In our current era, adolescence is extended into what was once called adulthood. The mind of the child takes every offense as a personal and deliberate attack. The lack of life experience and consciousness tricks us into thinking we are the only one who has experienced such a thing. We also don't realise that the other who has hurt us is likely as fragile and ignorant as we are, so we don't consider the possibility they acted simply out of hurt and ignorance. It's completely natural to feel betrayal from our self-centered perspective - in fact, it's inescapable - but we do have the choice to consider these other possibilities. Many times, our survival itself depends upon our considering them.
