Neutral Feelings

Lately I find time to write something only when I feel emotional. Emotional in this intangible way where one doesn’t know whether one feels good or bad. I lack the word in Czech, so there is no way I’m gonna find the English one. That explanation has to suffice. This weird feeling often time arrives when I listen to emotional songs. From now on, if an idea of any of my texts would be born due to a song, I’m gonna share it. I’m spreading the love I guess.

My life gets ever weirder as time goes by I guess. As most of us, crypto committed people, I’m not in exactly great financial situation. In fact my fiat balance is constantly 0. I earn something, I spend it immediately to buy food, beer, or to pay for Frisbee. I do not count my safety buffer of course. Safety buffer is here so I could buy a fridge when the old one breaks down, or to buy a ticket to Steemfest when volume 4 happens. Maybe this too adds up to this (for me) weird neutrality of feelings.

It has to be hard to imagine me when you don’t know me, but be assured that I’m this type of constantly smiling and happy guy. This will probably never change. I know who I am and I am in peace with who I am. But certain types of songs just remind us that bad things happen to us too. Not that I wouldn’t know about them otherwise, but they don’t hit me alone. They hit me only teamed up with certain other stimuli.

Sometimes certain things in life remind you that the world is in fact not as awesome as your imagination makes it. Lately I actually battle with many aspects in my life, more than I was used to battle at any given time to be honest. Alone they are weak, together they bring me to the edge of the neutral feelings themselves.

When the Frisbee seasons starts, I always battle with my own body, with my own shitty regeneration and with allergy that makes all my efforts half as effective as they normally would be. Yet I still feel that the potential is in me and probably will be for few more years. If I’m ever going to unlock it fully remains to be seen.

At the same time I struggle with women. Basically the ever-green struggle we all face or faced at one time. The girls I like and want don’t feel the same way and vice versa. There really isn’t much to add here :D. We’ve all been there.

I barely have enough time to do what I want and to meet who I want to meet. The worst part is that others have this problem too, and to align the moon and stars in a way where both parties have time is almost impossible.

And lastly, how it all started, I realized that Game of Thrones is never going to be finished. I mean the book. It was the second fantasy saga I’ve ever read that actually motivated me to start on my own fantasy multiverse. The saga is actually as old as I am:). There is no way it’s going to be finished. Martin will most likely die in just a few years. One more book is all we are going to get – the end is not going to be present there obviously.

Neutrality is ever present. I should be happy that like 90% of the time I never even get close to a neutral feeling. It doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be there. It very much is there, it’s just I’m good at avoiding the neutral and even better at avoiding the bad feelings. Sometimes songs or tricky life situations get me there. I can’t even say that I would dislike the change…when it lasts for like an hour or two…just like now:).